Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part Three) by Eva

Hi, it's me, Eva. Recently I got to help my dad out. He's more patient than Mommy. One time the shower was leaking and he took out some of the ceiling! Then he fixed the pipe and put the ceiling back. THEN IT LEAKED AGAIN! It was funny! So when he got a chance he had to take the ceiling out again. Then he put the ceiling back in wrong and had to do it again. We heard some words that usually only Mommy ever says. Then he got all chill and let me SPACKLE! Did I spell that right? I'm still learning. I'm only fo, you know. Here is part two!

Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part Two) by Samuel

Hey, yo, this is Sam (aka Naughty Baby #2). These are some cool pix of me weilding a hammer and helping with the door frame to the bathroom. I like to do neato stuff like my dad does cuz I wanna be like him someday and be all handy around the house. Chicks dig that cuz my mom digs my dad when he helps out and stuff. So enjoy my cool pix, kay? And remember, no Naughty Babies were harmed in this photo shoot. Mom was supervising the whole time. It's dumb that we have to put disclaimers on here or haters would worry that we were being mistweeted. I mean mistreated. We are not mistreated. The guys at Collector's Cache the other day called my mom a good, solid mom because she bought us ring pops. She rules pretty much. So does my dad. Sometimes I compare myself to Stewie on Family Guy. Here are the pix! And here is Part One! And here is Part Three!

Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part One)

This is what our master shower looks like right now. Note the 1966 light blue tile. I LOVE it! No, really, I do! So it was leaking into our family room a while back and Aron finally got a custom shower pan in and had to some retiling and other fun stuff. It looks better than this currently, but is still not usable. It's all good because we have another bathroom. Anyway, these are pictures of my naughty babies (not really babies at ages 2 and 4, but they are the youngest so they are the babies). They are trying to be like Daddy and put in shower tile or caulk or something. Eva one time got caulk all over herself and said it was "gwissy cockin" and we laughed until we figured out she meant GREASY CAULKING. That's one of those things we will tease her about until we die, I'm sure.

*No babies were harmed in this photo shoot. No babies were into anything dangerous and their Mommy was close by putting away laundry. Babies are naughty by nature, so if you have sex you might make a baby and there is a 99% chance you will get a naughty baby.

Here is part two!

What I'm Reading/Busy Griping

yes, that's a Hello Kitty silly bandz

Don't you love when people gripe about how busy they are and then chronicle it all for you? Good! Because here ya go, people. So, yeah, I'm doing a post called What I'm Reading because I needed to fill this space because I'm getting my butt kicked this week with:

1. Aron in Wyoming part of the time (yee haw!)
2. Cub Scout Blue and Gold shopping and planning and plotting
3. A homeschool Pinewood Derby on Saturday
4. Trip to the dentist for Callie
5. Ash Wednesday service
6. Homeschool park date
7. President's Day educational program with our rockin'  homeschool group
8. Bible Study
9. Article rewrites
10. The 4th edition of the "Make Money to Write About Your Kids" ebook to get the heck outta here
11. Callie's final two cheerleading games Friday night and Saturday
12. Making sure Blue and Gold is all set up and cleaned up after
13. Making sure the Pinewood Derby has a track. Since Aron is out of town, I am BEGGING someone else to help set it up.
14. I get to learn the PD software to get names entered and all that
15. Cloning myself since I have to be at the PD and at Callie's cheer game at the same time. Any suggestions?
16. Oh, yeah, and that thing called HOMESCHOOLING (forget about keeping a clean house this week)

So here's what I'm reading (ha!) when I get a free 2 seconds:

1. Teach Your Own by John Holt
2. It's Hard Not to Hate You by Valerie Frankel
3. Steven Tyler's autobiography
4. Mia Tyler's autobiography
5. Now all I need is Cyrinda Foxe's autobiography. Has Liv done one yet?

What did you do this week? What are you reading (besides this blog!)?

Stapled Pizza/Spilled Cocoa

Last week we had ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

• The phone would not stop ringing while we were homeschooling (not that I expect the world to be psychic and know when we homeschool)
• We struggled to get through Curious George Learns the Alphabet
• It took me 2 hours to figure out how to download a Big Fish game called Insaniquarium that the boys had been begging me for
• We missed Bible study ... again
• Sam was stuffy so we hadn't slept well
• Aron was working his 10th day in a row of 14 hour days
• I had a hard 2nd rewrite on a topic I don't love
• At one point I covered my ears and could hear just fine
• Then I looked over and Sam was stapling a piece of pizza

This was the day I couldn't reach the cocoa and batted at it with a spoon, causing it to fall and do this

That's when the crazy turns to funny and I remember why I love being home with all of my kids all day every day. I keep having dreams about my old job, the one I probably loved least of any job. And it reminds me that my WORST day at home is better than my BEST day at work ever was. I'm not judging working moms here ... just saying we all have our own experiences that shape us for some reason or another.

A Married Person Shouldn't Have to Pay for Sex

me and Aron when he brought me coffee on Valentine's Day (aka, VD)

I have to confess something very personal.

My husband and I pay for sex.

Yep, there are times when we are able to spend a few moments together but the kids won't leave us alone so we can sneak off. So, yes, it's true. We might pay a sitter to take the kids to the park so we can be alone. So technically we pay for sex.

I'm sorry, but like many parents, we are too freaking tired at night after the kids are in bed to even look at each other. We crash within seconds. Family bed has nothing to do with it ... NEWSFLASH: you don't just have to mess around in BED.

So we have to find time OTHER times. And doing that Natural Family Planning makes things even trickier, folks. It's not like it's ON like Donkey Kong every single day at my place. There's a window of opportunity for NOT becoming someone who shops once again at Babies R Us. The window is slimmer than you would think when you are truly trying to be careful.

Don't you judge me. Just offer to babysit :-)

Stuff You SHOULD NEVER Do When Pregnant and Do Anyway

I love Virginia over at Meet Virginia and want to eat her with a spoon. She responded to my recent post about loving coffee by saying that she loves coffee but she's always pregnant (I hear ya, sister ... except she's having #7 soon so she wins this round) so she has to cut back and she still has 2 cups a day.

If you are freaking out right now you are reading the WRONG BLOG becuase you know how I feel about that sort of junk.

I am all about my kids being kept safe and (fairly) clean and very healthy and getting enough sleep and brushing their teeth and taking their baths and showers and eating pretty well except for all the Hershey kisses we got 50% off the day after Valentine's Day. I know where my kids are all the time. And I take care of myself when pregnant ... don't smoke, don't drink, blah blah blah.

But you KNOW there are those people out there who might see a preggie with a Starbuck's and send negative death rays at her head. Which is really just a waste of time for the haters, don't you think? Because if I am looking out for someone and am concerned about their well-being, I'm not going to try to change their mind by being a jerk; I'm going to talk to them lovingly. And really, a little caffeine is the hill you want to die on?

OK, so my post makes sense with the title for a change, here are other things you should never do when pregnant, except that I did all of them and have 5 healthy, smart, amazing kids:

1. Eat fish.
2. Slip on ice and fall on your ass.
3. Hang out in a hot tub.
4. Get stressed out at work.
5. Nurse an older child.
6. Snort nasal spray to get some freaking sleep.
7. Fill in the blank.

One more thing to totally send you off the deep end: if smoking was so bad for preggies back in the 1960s, why aren't most of us born to smokin' preggies running around underweight and short and stupid? And don't get me started on the Valium use back then :-)

P.S. Before this post went to press, Virgnia wanted me to add: "the ONLY kid I drank NO caffeine with was my oldest. I was super strict about everything and he is the only kid I have with the most issues. Not only does he have a form of Autism but he has major allergy issues. He's my most unhealthiest and the most hyper. You better believe I'm gonna have caffeine after that."

Talk amongst yourselves and report back here. I can take it.

Electronic Medical Records: Yes or No?

So I'm perusing my March 2012 issue of BabyTalk magazine. Yes, I still take all the parenting and baby mags I can get my hands on because (1) I like to be on top of my mothering game so I pretty much go AGAINST all the advice in these mags and (2) I aspire to write articles and shorts for them someday ... honest stuff, funny stuff, useful stuff and not fluff. Although I will write fluff for enough money. Just being honest.

Anyway, there's this teeny thing about a company called Motherknows.com and for $8 per month plus $49 setup fee they "compile your child's medical history, allowing parents to tap into it 24/7."

Tap into this, you sleep-deprived mommies with too much money and too little time: Obama laid down the law and our records have to be all electronic by 2014 anyway (HITECH Act of 2009). Will your doc's records upload to Motherknows' records every time you go to the doctor or do you have to do it your dang self? What a pain if you have more than 1 kid and a job and stuff like that.

It seems to me that Motherknows.com is trying to cash in on people who don't know that their records are going to be in that form soon enough anyway. Me, I just toss vaccine and appointment info in an Excel file with a different sheet for each kid. When that gets overwhelming, I just toss stuff in a file folder called "medical" and dig through it when I need to.

So why would you pay for your kids' records to be electronic when soon enough everybody's records will be that way anyhow? For free! Well, kinda for free. I mean, your tax dollars will pay for it, but whatever. That's like free money for the government anyway. It's like my Paypal money. Ha!

Now I will sit back and wait for the company to Google themselves and find me and then comment about how great they are!

While we wait, shall we discuss banking umbilical cord blood? Yes? No? I don't do it. Did you? Would you? And let's also find out what you think about medical records going electronic! My doc's been doing it for a while now ... I miss seeing him lug around my 27-pound chart sometimes. Ah, memories.

I Love Women Sometimes!

Okay, so we all know that women drive me nuts sometimes. So do men. So do kids. That's life. We can't all have a lovefest every day.

I just have to say that I really dig my current homeschool group peeps. I came out of a bad homeschool group experience (that story is saved for Facebook wall posts, comments on miscellaneous blogs and my momoir) a couple of weeks ago and it turns out it was for the best that a couple of pals and I were booted out of the group. (yep, I'm a rebel ... you always suspected it ... I have confirmed it today).

The cover of my local paper a few weeks ago screamed "More Women Taking Aim" and there's a picture of a woman shooting a gun with her ear protection and badass face on.

This made me think of a new pal of mine who told me about walking around a grocery store with her gun in full view. I guess it's the law to have it in full view, and I my jaw was on the ground because I know ZIP about guns. And to think that a pal of mine was walking around toting one was like so cool. She has a permit. It's legal. But the people at the store were freaking out, so she was asked by management to cover it up or get out.

So this is just a mom walking around with a gun, legally. What if some crazy-looking hairy guy in biker garb walked in with his gun all on his pants? Yep, they'd probably just leave him alone.

So dumb of management to mess with a mom with a gun! When will you men learn? Women go rogue all the time. Why help push them over the edge?

Anyway, how do you feel about guns? I'm in the Bible belt (I think) in the Midwest, and I don't know squat about the gun law in my state. Of course, there's a whole 'nother state just a few miles from me and it has entirely different laws. I think I'd just be REAL nice to anyone walking around with an unconcealed gun.

Anyway, that's just one story of one woman I know who I think is cool and different and not thinking like the dang pack. I like women who think for themselves. Women who don't subscribe to groupthink and nod their little heads when the Queen Bee says, "PBS is too liberal. My Little Pony does chants. Harry Potter is evil. Gays are all bad. Rock music is from the devil."

In short, I have been around some CRAZIFIED womenfolk. And I have met some ROCKIN' women who look past the stories about me and get to know the real me. Women who parent their kids based on what they feel is right and what they research and not on what they are TOLD by society. I wish I could name all my peeps, but I don't want to embarrass them. They know who they are.

I Hate Women Sometimes Part TWO

Wow, you should have seen my blog stats go through the roof when I griped about the big meanie at the community center (please excuse the cussing on some of the comments!). So many excellent comebacks you guys came up with! I would also like to add the comeback to her of, "My input and tax dollars helped pay for this community center, so I can eat a freaking carrot in here if I want to."

So because ya'll obviously love mean women stories, I have dug deep into the recesses of my mind to come up with more little stories. I am excited to see your comebacks because this stuff just keeps happening and I need some good stuff to say to those who want to kill my light.

1. I love it when we're at the outdoor pool and one of my littles bends down to drink from the spray hose. You know, the hose that has holes poked in it to just wet the ground to cool it off? Then female lifeguards FREAK OUT like they are drinking liquid crack. Is the hose poisonous? Is the water from the hose different from the water coming out of the drinking fountain? Should we be frightened?

2. When I used to babysit at various churches (that's an entire book on its own), the women would FREAK OUT when kids would get a cup and get water from the BATHROOM SINK and (ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?) drink it. I would ask, "isn't it the same water as in the drinking fountain around the corner?"

3. As a woman, why do I have to wash my hands after I pee? I guarantee you I'm not touching anything exciting. My hand is covered with toilet paper, in fact. No pee gets through my tp barrier. Besides, how germy is pee, anyway? Now get over here and shake my hand, dangit.

4. I hate how when I used to babysit at churches, the moms would do the drop-off and have ZERO CLUE who was watching their kid. They must figure that someone at a church is safe because it's a church?! Wise up, ladies! At least GLANCE at the person who is going to be watching your crying kid and comforting them for the next 2 hours while you have your freaking selfish GIRL TIME. [I am adding to this because I'm catching crap for bashing GIRL TIME. Some of us want/need girl time more than others. I'm bashing girl time AND religious time (MOPS, anyone?) when it means your kid is crying to the point of puking every single week and the facilitator won't let you take your baby into the room with you, where he/she would undoubtedly be super quiet and snuggled up to you.]

Women hate it when you get all logical on them with questions and stuff. They get all like, "Don't you challenge my old wive's tales and faulty logic and emotions or I will call the State on you." Are you gonna call them on me for being a laid-back mother who does NOT freak out all the time, because I don't really think that's a crime. In fact, I bet I drink less than you, I don't smoke, I don't need drugs of any kind and I have a great marriage and great kids. GET OFF MY BACK, LADIES! Remember that we all have different experiences which shape our opinions. So there.

Tomorrow's post: I LOVE Women Sometimes!

My Coffee Love Affair ... Blame It On My Nanny

So I'm curious ... when did your love affair with coffee begin?

Mine started when I was a kid and my dad's grandma gave me coffee candy. It was just sugar candy flavored like coffee, and I was hooked. I called my dad's grandma Nanny, and when I would talk about her, kids at school thought I was rich and had a babysitter-nanny.

Then when I was 16 I started my first job as a waitress at Waid's Restaurant in Fairway, Kansas. I quickly got hooked on coffee with tons of cream and sugar.

When Aron and I were first together we would get those cheap, sugary coffees from gas stations.

These days I'm ashamed to admit I have become a Starbuck's girl. We are the same age, after all, me and Starbuck's. If we're loaded, I'll go twice a week. If not, once a month. I'm close to getting my old personalized gold card. Who cares, right?

And no, coffee does not keep me awake. Does that mean I have ADHD? Caffeine doesn't make my kids any more psychotic than they normally are, either. My husband tells the kids they can't have coffee because it will stunt their growth, but isn't there tons of caffeine (growth-stunter) in soda? We don't have a lot of soda around my house anymore, but do you really think it messes with their pituitary gland? Whip out the studies because I'd like to see them.

I can't find coffee candy anywhere. All I can find is coffee-flavored Nips. Yes, I think the name of that candy is hilarious. They should have milk-flavored Nips and also whiskey-flavored Nips (just a nip o' whiskey for the frazzled mom).

My cousin is OFF COFFEE. Can you believe that crap? I think it tastes good and comes in so many varieties (hot! iced! frappe! mocha! caramel!). Look, I just want to help out the coffee bean farmers of the world. Is that so wrong?

P.S. Come and get me on Pinterest for more funny stuff on my Funny board

My Man, Jon Hamm and Real Love

(originally posted 2/14/09; a few changes have been made)

This is love, folks. Looking at a man who is sleeping and knowing you've been in the war together and have a huge tour coming up and you're not worried about what's to come because all you can think is, "Dang, he's still hot 16 years later!"

Alright, people. I hate being the stereotypical blogger and try to never write about things when I should (like New Year’s Resolutions on December 31st or January 1st or about Whitney Houston when she died), but I have to admit I LOVE love.

I’m a sucker for love, so I have to give Valentine’s Day its full credit here.

Here is a link to the history of Valentine’s Day.

Here is the link to my post about how I met my husband.

How do you explain love? How do you make it last? Why do half of all marriages fail?

I don’t personally think love is “enough.” I think you also need some cool cosmic connection that draws you together and keeps you together. Chemistry, yes. Divine intervention. Call it what you want.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And if you don’t get flowers or chocolates today, SEND THEM TO YOURSELF!

What are your plans today/tonight? Especially if you have kids, what do you end up doing on VD (not the STD, by the way, I have to make that clear among the dirty-minded)? Speaking of the dirty-minded, if your man is not talking to you this way, get a new man:

Don't even ask. YES, I find my husband more attractive than this guy. I've seen him interviewed and he seems like a pansy who couldn't change my oil, let alone clean my pipes.

Mommy Y's Random Questions for Moi

My friend over at Mommy Y did this post about random questions. I'm supposed to follow these rules and tag people, but I can't even come up with 11 blogs I read, so here are the answers just for fun!

1. What is your favorite kind of book? No real favorite. I like nonfiction and fiction. I liked The Hunger Games series, the Fever series, am trying to get into Sweep. I like memoirs and biographys. I'm working on Steven Tyler and Mia Tyler's autobiographies and a Valerie Frankel memoir. I like to lose myself in thoughtful fiction, but learn a lot more from books like I'd like to write someday (nonfiction).
2. Do you fold your laundry and put it away right away, or do you store it in a laundry basket? Store it. And what's folding?
3. What is your favorite food to eat? Anything Mexican and anything chocolate.
4. What has been your favorite age to be? Right now. "The older I get, the less I give a s***."
5. If you owned a zoo, what animal would you feature? Koala
6. What do you call your decorating style? Huh? Why are you mumbling? None. If I had unlimited money, it would be retro, like 1960s, but hubs won't go for it.
7. What did you do for your favorite date ever? Hmmm, so many to choose from. For sure something with hubs, but we've been together so long I'd have to go back through pictures to figure that one out! Going to Mill Creek Park on the Plaza when we were first dating was fun. We hung out and he made a picnic dinner. Oh, then there was the New Year's Eve when we threw firecrackers out the car window in Westport and the cops stopped us and pointed guns at our heads. Good times.
8. What is the craziest thing you've ever done? See above.
9. What is your all time favorite movie? Too many. Vanilla Sky, Somewhere in Time, Goodfellas, A Walk in the Clouds, Bobby. I just love movies so much.
10. What is your favorite quiet moment mom breakfast? Egg sandwich with A1 sauce.
11. Are you a lawn gnome, pink flamingo or statuary kind of lawn designer? Please elaborate. Why are you asking such hard questions? My head is starting to hurt. I don't think any of these. I like roses. And random rocks and shells and stepping stones.

My Husband Cracks My A** Up (Pun Intended)

Okay, so Aron's work chili cookoff was yesterday. He and I both entered chili. He spends a ton of time and uses tons of premium ingredients in his ... peppers, onions, spices, roast, beans made from scratch (the ones ya boil). I am his opposite in many ways, this being yet another way. I make the easiest chili possible because, frankly people, I have other things to do. Like write award-winning blog posts and educate my children. So he made the picture above to go along with my chili and he emailed it to me. I laughed until I cried. Note the cow going into the grinder. Note the can opener with the beans. Note the "secret ingredient." I think I'm the only spouse who enters, so of course everyone is going to know it's mine! Maybe if he had put some boobs on there, I would have won!!!!!!  Quick! Photoshop some udders on that cow!

For you English-challenged people, I think I made a punny up top ... you know, how chili makes fire come out of your butt? Tough crowd.

Ceramic Birthday Parties

KC Ceramic Cafe

SO. MUCH. FUN.

A little bit ago Callie and Eva got invited to a 5-year-old's birthday party at Kansas City's Ceramic Cafe. It was weird to just have a bunch of estrogen in Aron's big red truck (The Beast) heading to a party. You know how Sam is like my appendage since he was born, and I'm just a weird mom who doesn't like to leave her kids much in general. Well, okay, there are those weeks when Aron's traveling and the second he gets home I want to grab Toshiba and head to Starbuck's.

Digression. I am the master of it!

Anyway, it was awesome! They had a blast! Callie painted a little heart-shaped dish to hold jewelry or whatever. Eva painted a ladybug bank. I figured the kids would be too young and would make a huge mess, but it worked out so well! Then they did presents (in the back room, where the painting happened), then cake and ice cream bars and juice pouches. It lasted about 2 hours and was a very cool party. I'm not naming names because some people are keen on their privacy. A week later, the birthday girl delivered the finished painted products, all glazed and fired. The girls were thrilled.

I want to go here on individual dates with my kids. I want to go here on a date with my husband. I want to go here on a date BY MYSELF and paint all the letters in my kids' names and hang them on my living room wall.

Gotta go ... this is giving me an idea for an article. So I can spend all the writing money on a trip to Ceramic Cafe!

They Call Me ... The Laminator

Finally broke down and got a laminator! We've been laminating Pokemon pictures I've gotten them off the internet and then we put magnetic tape on the back. They play with their creations on the fridge and on our steel back door and on the commercial freezer in the basement.

I'm thinking this is a great way to make cheap decorations for parties ... laminated pictures of balloons, the number the birthday kid is turning, pictures of cakes, etc. The sky is the limit!

What do you like to laminate?

Happy Bday Callie With the 20/300 Vision and Twins Funny

Happy 7th Birthday to Callie!!!!! We love you, our little cheerleader, and can't wait to see what your strong-willed self will become someday. You love horses and your doll Laura and your friends and Pokemon and jewelry and dogs and bunnies and makeup and fashion and unicorns and Barbie and fairies and dresses and chicken noodle soup without tomatoes and pink and music and singing and rainbows and laughing. Yesterday I took all 5 kids to the eye doctor and only the oldest 3 were seen. It was pandemonium! Callie has one eye at 20/30 and one eye at 20/300. I think they added an extra zero and messed up. There goes another couple hundred bucks! And I sprung for the nice pink ones (I cleared it with Aron first), which I project will be broken by Michael's birthday in April due to younger siblings and putting glasses in goofy places. How do you get a 7-year-old to take care of her glasses ... and keep them on all the time? I was 11 before I needed glasses, so this is nothing traumatizing around here ... those glasses will just be like my 6th child. Maybe we DON'T need a dog when we have glasses to care for!

This picture is in honor of my husband and his twin brother because I thought they'd get a kick out of it. Most likely Aron is the one grinning and making Eric cry!!!!!!!!

Eva Guest Post: Homeschool Geometry

Hi, it's me, Eva. I am fo years old. I like pink. This is a picture of me doing algebra or geometry or something. I made a nine-ta-gon out of boxes I found in the pantry. You can do the same thing. Just find a pantry with boxes in it. Any old pantry will do. Then put the boxes so you make a nine-ta-gon. I don't know how many boxes that is, but it is a LOT. You can also make cool things out of toilet paper rolls, your brothers' Pokemon cards and your mom's maxi pads. Take the tape off those and you can stick them to the wall to make cool creations! Just becuase you are only fo doesn't mean you can't be learning all day long!

"Cleaning Is Not My Thing"

Callie says, "Cleaning is not my thing."

I just stared at her.

And I said something like, "Oh, well it is MY thing. I just LOVE it. I LOVE picking up messes I did not make. I LOVE washing clothes and dishes and vacuuming 10 times a day (hardly!) and ... and ... and ... it makes me happy and I love it and I wish I didn't ever feel compelled to do that pesky blog or write articles for money or homeschool or love on my husband because all I want to do is CLEAN all day long! I think when you guys grow up I will go work at The Maids."

I love my kids. They say the funniest crap!

Michael said his Catechesis teacher, Mrs. Hauesseur, said her son asks, "Why do we eat when we're just gonna get hungry again? Why do I have to make the bed when it's just gonna get messed up again?" I agree with the bed (and all cleaning in general), and not with the eating, kid.

Callie is cheering at an Upward Cheer game today and then is having her 7th birthday party! Then we have breeder friends coming over and Aron is making CARNITAS ... yum! Have a great weekend.

Marijuana post amendment-ish to come next week hopefully ...

Candy Does Make You Grow! + Eva's First Playdate

Eva: "Candy doesn't make me grow."

 I think her dad told her this.

But he is wrong.

Candy DOES make you grow. Sideways.

Yesterday Eva had her first playdate without me. I left her at my friend Andrea's house to play with HER daughter, also named Eva. We call them The Evas. We have another friend with an Eva, and it gets funny. So we took one of Andrea's kids home and Eva wanted to stay there.

A couple of hours later Andrea calls me and I hear Eva crying. She won't get in their van to come home to me. Does she think they are going to steal her and drive to California with her or something? So I threw everyone in the van and went over to get here, where I stayed and hung out for an hour and they kept on doing what they do best = playing. It was her first playdate without me! It felt strange at home without her.

Yesterday we also had Bible Study, a park date and Pokemon Club. Whew. Now I need a nap and I'm posting this at 8:30 a.m.

Catch you later!

Leaning Tower of Dishes

It doesn't take long in our house to accumulate a lot of dirty dishes. Lately we sometimes run the dishwasher twice a day! The oldest 3 kids are awesome and empty it for us for chore points (a quarter a point). I'm wondering if paper plates might be cheaper than paying them ... then we can just throw them in our compost heap! One day when we were behind (Aron was probably out of town), Michael made this amazing Leaning Tower of Dishes.

I'm Going to the SuperBowl (Party)!!!!

It is a brave person who invites our family of seven into their home. My own parents will barely even do it anymore!!!! We are loud, messy, crazy and frightening. I yell when I don't even realize I am yelling. I figure it out when I see people staring at me, then I sheepishly tell them I am sorry, and I will now use my INSIDE VOICE.
Anyway ...

We got invited to a SuperBowl Party at someone's house. This is not just ANYONE's house, this is the house of a new pal, who is the pal of my super-cool accountant neighbor chick. This new pal pretty much runs the school across the street from me. Okay, not REALLY. But you know the one: the one who coordinates all the volunteers, runs the parties and the carnival and God knows what else. The one with the husband and the two adorable kids and the job. That one who can do everything (kinda like accountant neighbor chick!)?! Oh, and they do it looking good, too. I can barely get out of my sweats and attempt to suck in my muffin top these days while they are at Boot Camp.

So I have to step it up here. I've already instructed the kids NOT to pick their noses in front of anyone and CERTAINLY don't wipe it anywhere but on a Kleenex. I'm giving my kids a bad wrap here ... they are mostly wonderful. Well, the oldest three. Eva and Sam are only 4 and 2 so they need a little nudge in learning the ways of high society (cover your mouth when you couch, don't take a bite of food then put it back on the tray, boogers go in tissues, that sort of thing).

Now, what to bring? I picked up a football-shaped tray of snack mix from Aldi. Hmmm. No, not good enough. Oh, I know! I'll make this:

If you want to be cool and copy me, here's the recipe. Even a kitchentard like me can do it! (by the way, my mom and I decided we can call things "tard" because her sister is mentally retarded. so our reasoning is her sister is MENTALLY retarded and can't help that and I am like CLEANING and KITCHEN retarded and can't help it. get it? oh, and other people are SOCIALLY retarded and can't help that so I'm trying to be more accepting as I hope they will be accepting of me.)

Errands With 5 Kids ... It Can Be Done

I have to get this post typed because the notes for it are written on a nasty cardboard coffee cup and I need to throw it away.

Allow me to set the scene for you:

It's a weekday. Aron is out of town. I have errands that have been piling up, things I don't HAVE TO DO or people might die but things I would LIKE TO GET DONE for peace of mind.

First we had to the mall. Yes, the big, nice, snooty mall. I have to go to Lenscrafters to order new sunglasses since mine got damaged when I fell on my face back in August at the pool. (yes, I know many people who DON'T like me read this blog, so that one was for you ... laugh away!) So we park by Nordstrom and go in the covert way. We pass the luxury cars, which of course the kids want to touch. It's like 2 in the afternoon and Lenscrafters is CRAWLING with people. HUH?

So I take a deep breath and talk myself into waiting while trying to contain 5 energetic kids. It's not the 1950s, people, and you can't discipline your kids in public without going to jail. Remember how society has cut off our parenting nuts next time you see kids running wild somewhere with a parent only whining, "Stop, Jimmy, stoooooooop it."

It's finally our turn and ...

Tip #1: Be extra nice to the clerks. If you kill them with kindness and humor about the situation, you cut off their snarky looks and comments! To diffuse snarky young men, I simply brightly say, "Sex makes babies, it is true! I finally figured it out."

So we get out of there unscathed. But somebody has to pee, so we tromp through Nordstrom and up two flights of escalator to the family bathroom. (on the way we see someone we know, a super-nice, super-cool woman and I pray my kids don't do something totally hillbilly in front of her!) We emerge about 3 days later because everyone had to pee or poop.

By this time I need a freaking treat. I hit the shi-shi Nordstrom coffeeshop and pay one million dollars for a coffee and 5 cookies. While I wait, I chase down two kids while the other three are in Bath and Body Works hanging around.

We walk out the doors into freedom and the kids want to climb these parking lot stairs. I say okay, and being as how I'm 40 now and out of shape, I'm the last one up. In the meantime, a parking lot cop has confronted my oldest son about where his parents are, etc. I vow to get in shape so I can beat my kids to the top next time.

I'm all geared up to head to CVS next. After all, I NEED that deal on L'Oreal Youth Code. I can feel my neck wrinkling by the day and I have to have it before I am wearing scarves all year long. The girls want to look at the makeup, so I leave them with Joel one aisle over to do that. Michael and Sam come with me to find the Fountain of Youth. A nice young man has to help me find it, because he's stocking it. I ask him if it works. He just laughs at me. I tell him sex makes babies.

By this time the girls are somewhere else looking at videos and I decide I will have to put them all on leashes or get them the microchip.

Did I mention earlier in the day we had grocery shopping to do? Did I mention this is the life I always dreamed of and that I would not trade it for anything in the world? My worst, hardest day as a mom is better than my best day when I was working at a "real" J.O.B. I'm not a good worker-bee (I get bored too easily).

Snooping: Yes or No?

I have a couple of snooping stories from my past, then I'd love for you to weigh in.

Snooping Story #1: I come home one night and my roommate has been digging through my file cabinet and reading my personal journal pages and email printouts. She is ballistic. I'm trying to figure out what I could have written that would have her panties in such a bunch. Then she tells me she's freaking out because I wrote mean things about this mutual frenemy of ours, this chick who in the past had gone after both of our men. She says if I don't tell this chick what I wrote, SHE WILL. I was a bit of a doormat back then and was a tad frightened of this roomie gone wild, so I think I ended up apologizing to everyone involved but didn't feel right about it. I just wanted to keep the peace. Another friend of ours told me I was crazy for doing that and that I should have told Roomie to bug off for snooping. I got a locked file cabinet after that and continued to write what I wanted.

Snooping Story #2: It's the day I got fired from my PR secretary job with no reason given and no notice. In my downtime I had kept a journal on the computer (probably illegal or company property, right?), and in my scramble to get out of there, I had printed off some pages to take with me. Guess what? I left them in the printer! They were about my fellow secretary and how I knew she could get a better job instead of being a lackey for our boss. (she's now the president of a company, so I was RIGHT!). Apparently she read them and put them in a box of stuff to get back to me and hasn't spoken to me since and won't tell me why she's upset, so I can only imagine it's because of what I wrote.

We have probably all snooped, right? It's just that most of us have the sense to act like WE DID NOT! If asked, I will fess up. But otherwise, I don't do anything with the new knowledge BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT!

I know we should be positive and happy and light and try not to trash others. But sometimes when life is sucking, I turn to my journal to reveal my deepest annoyances and don't use my big-girl words. Sometimes I've gone back after a year and deleted petty stuff. The bigger stuff I keep in there to remind me not to let it happen again. I have journals going back 30 years ... and I'm keeping them. My kids can burn them or read them or whatever. They will see me writing petty crap and sex crap and all kinds of things they don't want to know. Tell me why I keep this stuff again? Oh, yeah, because it's who I AM, it shows the evolution of ME. Sue me, I'm a writer, always have been. I own it.

Got any snooping stories or opinions? And what's the difference between putting words out into the Universe about others that are crappy versus writing them down?

Beware of the Sperm!

I tore this out of a parenting magazine last year. It was really appropriate for what we're going through right now. Every month my poor wittle egg is scared of sperm coming at it. Some come with flowers, some with boxes of chocolate, some with little briefcases, some without a job, some with hats on even! Yes, I'm a good wittle Catholic girl who uses NFP (natural family planning), and it has worked for almost 14 years to either avoid or achieve pregnancy when we want. I'm not saying it doesn't STINK sometimes when we are in avoidance mode, but we get by somehow. Having a strong marriage helps out. Oh, and all those other kids to distract us ... and REMIND us of why we aren't quite ready for another yet! They are amazing, and as they grow they need us even MORE ... I want to make sure I'm emotionally and otherwise available to them. Be sure that when we get pregnant again (if!), it's because we are good and ready! Until then, my egg with the bow on it's head will be all freaked out.

The Legalization of Cannabis, Pot, Marijuana, MaryJane

Here's a lovely post for a Sunday morning. Totally appropriate.

So a friend of mine who has never smoked pot before asked me if I ever had and would I ever? I said I think I tried it once when I was 17 but it didn't "take". Knowing me, I didn't do it right most likely. Or else I was around so much of it growing up that I'm immune!!!!!!

Sidenote to this rambling post: I'm not trying to throw my parents under the bus here. I'm not giving details, if you will notice. I am saying to always keep in mind that when you do something, you are part of your kids' story now, good or bad or indifferent. Sure, someday I might write a memoir just for fun and there will be things in there about my childhood that were not rosy. BUT 99% of my childhood rocked, and I know MANY people can't say that. That being said, I realize that I have FIVE little people who might someday talk smack about my parenting skills or even write about me. Might? Who are we kidding? They will. And I get it.

So I said to my friend when she asked if I would ever do it ... well, I kindof yelled at her, I think. I go:

"Is it legal? Then NO, dummy! If you have kids and a life and you do something illegal you are STUPID and SELFISH." My poor friend won't let me live it down that I have called her stupid in advance. I'm just saying that my kids and my husband mean TOO MUCH to me to be doing something like that, something I could go to jail for.

There are people I know who think that I think that I am the most amazing mother ever and they are just waiting to take me down. I do NOT think I am the most amazing mother ever. And I will NOT be doing pot. I rarely, rarely drink. I don't smoke. OK, maybe I speed sometimes in the mommyvan when we're late to a kid activity, but I probably won't go to jail or lose my kids over that. Until pot is legal, I ain't doin' it. I ain't supportin' it. If you whip out a joint in front of me, I'm outta here. PLUS, I think it kills brain cells, and my kids have already taken enough of mine. I can't afford to lose the 2 I have left!

AND, all I need is for something to happen to one of my kids and I drive them to the ER and I'm asked what happened, and I'm like, "Uh, well, I don't really know, dude, you see, cuz, like, uh, I'm totally baked off my butt, hee hee he eeee, got any munchies?" There's a reason they call it BAKED: you are frying your brain, dummy! Well, maybe. Jury's out on that one because I know people who have done a LOT of pot and they are totally smart and with-it.

Another friend of mine is active in the campaign to legalize cannabis. Cool. Why not? Porn is legal and it's tearing apart marriages daily. Alcohol is legal and we have drunks all over the place wrecking cars and lives. Cigarettes are legal and people are still giving themselves and their children lung cancer and lowering their immune systems. Prescription meds are legal and people are checking out every day on those. The world is a freaking mess. I'll stick with my chocolate and coffee, thanks very much, morons!

Discuss amongst yourselves and in the comments section of my bloggy. Have fun, potheads!

Positive Thinking, Deflecting Crap

One day I got sick of being negative in my mind about some people who have been actively trying to be detrimental to my family's life. Sorry for the big crazy words, but I have to be careful what I say here and how I phrase it.

So I decided to write some words on our deck that everyone could see. Isn't living well the best revenge? And we are truly living well, we are happy, we have a good marriage, we have health and a great family and everything we need. We need to be grateful.

Later I added PRAY and LEARN. We live on a busy corner and it's my hope that people walking or driving by can see my inspirational words. Being mean and negative back to someone is what they want. They want you to wallow with them. Don't do it! What words would you add to my deck or write on your own?

14 Valentine's Day Traditions in The Village Family

Valentine's Day is coming up soon, so please head to The Village Family and check out my latest offering: 14 Valentine's Day Traditions!

Freaky Friday: Play That Funky Music, White Kids

Aron got these wigs for my 1970s themed  birthday party last summer. Since then we've had lots of fun with them. The littles (the two youngest kids of my five) especially are super cute in them with their little 'fros. What's funny is that Samuel kinda looks like his cousin RaShaun when RaShaun grows out his 'fro. (For those of you who are a little slow [or new to The Kerrie Show], my hubs Aron's sister is adopted from Korea and has half-black kids who are the most gorgous kids you might ever see.) Speaking of half-black gorgeous people, our Jordan has gone BLONDE! Photos to come.

Hand-me-Downs From My Ex's Ex

In what world do you take hand-me-down girl clothes from your ex's ex? Well, in MY crazy, mixed-up world.

Why not? The clothes are awesome. My girls love hand-me-downs (free!). They get brand new clothes for birthdays and Christmases sometimes, and they love those. But they are SO happy when they get a bag of girl clothes from someone. And my budget is thrilled.

This is one of those Wonders of Facebook. You've heard of it being used for evil ... connecting with past loves when you are still married, contacting people you hate and being mean on their wall, using the instant message feature to try to get people to talk smack about other people.

Then there are the good things, which I have experienced many of. Meeting my ex-husband's second wife is one of the good things. She is cool, she is sweet. I like her. She has a son the same age as Callie, and we're going to hook up at a fast-food germ joint sometime to let the kids play.

Then there's that thing where we've been through some of the same crazy crap. It's like we're war survivors or something, to put it in an overly dramatic way. Stay tuned ...

Muffins, Mexican Oatmeal & TT Casserole ... All in a Day's Work

Recently I got all industrious and decided to take half a day to get some meals in the freezer for those nights when we're busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

I got out the blueberries we picked over the summer and made some muffins (the trick is to sneak in some wheat germ to make them super healthy!)

Then I threw a bunch of chicken boobs in the crockpot for the morning. When they were done, they left me with a great broth for my Mexican Oatmeal. I named it this because I always cook the crap out of the rice, making it resemble oatmeal. It's basically chicken, rice, broth, beans, corn, tomatoes and taco seasoning. Top with sour cream, cheese and avocado. This time I did a huge batch in the crockpot so I could freeze some. I'm actually having some for lunch right now and I'm thinking it should be called Mexican Vomit instead. But it tastes good!

Finally, I used the rest of the chicken to make two chicken tater tot casseroles to freeze. I wanted to show you this obnoxious pan because the lid is like 10 feet high, making it impossible to stack these in my commercial freezer. Tune in tomorrow to see what else I got done that day, and it was not more cooking!

Sam's Man Bag(s) (a.k.a. Murses)

Although Sam's dad might not approve of the following photos, I am a firm believer in having photos of my kids that will be fun for their future spouse to see. Hey, guys gotta carry stuff around, too! I see man purse (murse) modeling in his future!

My THREE New Best Friends

I was running out of my current skincare stuff (Aldi face cream and some Roc knockoff from CVS), so it was time to hit the drugstore for some serious stuff. I headed (with 5 kids, picture it) to the CVS armed with my little ad. I was hunting for L'Oreal's Youth Code Starter Kit.

I don't really care what I use. I went to L'ancome's site because they give out tons of MyPoints with a purchase, but that's because a freaking face lotion is over A HUNDRED BONES. Forget that.

Anyway, the Youth Code stuff was on sale AND was going to fetch me 10 Extra Care bucks, so I was all over that deal. Now I can go back to CVS for the humongo bottle of Ibuprofen and B-12 and save 10 bucks on that purchase! Okay, so the kit was 30 bones, and it's just the STARTER KIT. As I told the poor young guy stocking the aisle who pointed me to the product, "This is like the pusher set. L'Oreal gets you started on this stuff and then you are HOOKED and are spending 30 bones every month with ZERO Extra Care bucks. As my dad would say, 'That's how they get ya.'" (Like my use of quotes? Learned that in Life as Fred Math book #2.)

So I call my new best friends Day, Night and Eye. They all share a last name: Cream. They claim they will tackle the signs of fatigue and stress on my face.

How about signs of ANGER and WORRY, like those freaking parentheses between my eyebrows that these days make me look mad even when I'm happy? You could give me a million bucks right now and I could be grinning and STILL look pissed.

I have applied the stuff liberally over face and neck and if I don't wake up looking like a four-year-old tomorrow, I will be truly pissed! I know Crisco would be cheaper, but it doesn't smell as good.

Someday I'll Be a Cat Woman

So yesterday I broke the news that we'll be getting a dog. Well, Aron's actual stipulation was this: "If Mommy isn't pregnant before Sam turns 3, we'll get a dog."

So, sure, sometimes I feel those baby stirrings when I'm around teeny ones. Then I realize I still have a 27-month-old on my boob who would most likely be THAT KID who tries to put his new baby sibling in the trash when my back is turned. So, no plans for now. Stay tuned, though. I'm pretty sure my mom will disown me if I have another, but she'll live.

Growing up we had the typical dogs and cats. I remember one dog kept jumping the fence. One dog kept digging under it. Then there was the night we went to pick up the Persian cat named Marco (Polo!) so he could breed with Pav (piss and vinegar). It was like watching a double-decker bus walk around the living room, and it was weird for me as a 9-year-old to see that crap! Then they had babies, which we sold.


Later, after I was almost 19 and just had a miscarriage, my boyfriend at the time got me a kitten to make me feel better. Then there was another to keep the first company. Then they had babies, and I had cats sleeping all around my head every night, kneading my hair. This is why family bed is so easy for me now!

Anyway, one of the babies would not eat. We had no money but raced to the animal hospital in the middle of the night to buy a teeny bottle and formula, and I tried to keep the kitten alive. It didn't work, and she died, and we buried her in the back yard. I think we got a freaking Chow dog after that. Big mistake.

What's my point? That I'm not exactly excited about getting an animal because I already have 5 of them (just kidding!). I'm just hoping I have the energy to clean up after a sixth little person ... poop, pee, puke, hair, chewed up shoes, doctor visits, baths. The kids will, of course, pick up a ton of the slack there. I want it to sleep in our bed, but Aron already says no. Meanie.

So what kind of dog should we get? I don't like shedding but like some fur. Nothing yappy. We borrowed a shih tzu (I like that it has a cuss word in it's breed) and it rocked. Nothing too big or too small. Something calmish for Michael (remember, his speed of animal is turtle or crab, NOT hyper dog).

New McLoughlin Addition in October

So all my kids have been born in odd years (2001 up to 2009) and in even months (backwards, starting with June back to October). So we're clearly behind schedule for our newest planned addition to the family, which technically should have come in August of 2011. The reason there was no new addition in August 2011 was because, well ...

I NEEDED SOME TIME TO GET MY BRAIN BACK, OKAY? I did get some of my body back by my 40th birthday last summer, but then I lost it again last fall, darnit.

So I suppose I have lost my ever-lovin' mind because things are truckin' along here at the McHousehold. It actually looks kinda CLEAN (gasp) a lot of the time lately and when it looks like an explosion, it's picked up in like 5 minutes. The kids do nice little chores, and Sam plays nicely with the others enough (read: when he's not making messes like peanut butter on the front door or peeling an orange as he walks around the house).

So yes, we have a new addition coming this fall and it is a freakin' DOG.

Don't get me wrong: I LOVE animals. I'll post on that tomorrow. But I am fully aware that a dog is not like our hermit crab or turtle or minnows or hamster. Yes, you read that right. We have PET MINNOWS from last fall. We'll fish with them in the spring ... ha! A dog is a big responsibility, and we get that. I'm a little freaked out. The things we do for our kids, sheesh. Got any advice for me?

Cut Your Time in the Kitchen!

The last few nights we've had something going on and of course those are the days Sam has chosen to get on a little nap "schedule" ... meaning, he sleeps around 4-6 or so, which runs into dinner-making time and activities, so I end up either making dinner with him over my shoulder (yes, I hold him for naps, still ... sue me!). Or we have whatever we can find. Or Joel makes something easy. The third option is awesome because Joel gets to feel helpful and IS very helpful and can prepare boxed au gratin potatoes and put them in the oven or cook Spam on the stove and then peel oranges for our "veggie."

Anyway, this is driving me nuts and I'm DONE! So I've bought the stuff to make lots of meals so I will always have something to thaw in the morning (in the oven) and then if Sam is asleep on me I can just ask Joel to turn on the oven! So simple! Check out my article at North Texas Kids here about this topic ... I have other things I really want to try to cut my time in the kitchen!

But watch who you ask to do the meal swap, readers, because it didn't work out too well for me. I could be funny here, but I don't want to offend the few friends I have left. Let's just say some of them eat in a healthier manner than I myself do. And that some of the things they requested be left out of their meals I have never heard of. Some of them need double batches of food and some of them need half batches. I'll save the funnies for my memoir and then I can buy my offended friends an apology Starbuck's coffee with my book money and it will all be good. Let's just say there ain't gonna be no meal swap happening anytime soon. But try my other ideas and let me know how they work out for you!

My Kids Are Named After Music Stuff

Sometimes in the night I just can't sleep. I think it's because of all the nights I was woken up every two hours like clockwork over the years. I don't know what to do with a 2-year-old who sleeps pretty soundly through the night next to me and a 4-year-old who sleeps like a log. The others sleep great, too, since Joel's sleep problems have disappeared!

Anway, when I can't sleep I pray and think. The other night I was thinking about how much I've always loved music. Then I was thinking about my kids' names. Here's what I came up with how I subliminally named my kids:

Joel was named after Billy Joel, a great singer. He was married to Christie Brinkley, and when I was like 8 years old a boy told me I looked like her.

Michael was named after George Michael, who I was in love with before I figured out he was gay.

Callie was named after California Dreamin', a great song I've always loved. Chyna Phillips is the daughter of Michelle Phillips, and Chyna's song Hold On got me through my first marriage.

Eva is named after Little Eva because I love the song Locomotion.

Sam is named after Sailor Sam in the Paul McCartney and Wings song Band on the Run.

Freaky, right?!

Do You Ever ...

... look at a pair of pants and think, "Those are for a real fatty and would NEVER fit me!"?

Then you try them on and they fit. Maybe they are even a little tight.

I HATE that! I also hate when I accidentally put on something of my husband's and it FITS.

Women have it hard, let me tell you. Go easy on us (I'm saying this because I estimate my demographic is 50% male reading this little ole blog ... the guys want to know what I have to say because I'm like a Female Representative ... HAHAHAHA!!! Now, that is a sad, sad thought).

How was your MLK, Jr. holiday yesterday? Did you have to work anyway or did you sit around on your big ole butt? I never realized that part of his speech was about Catholics and Protestants living together peacefully. Maybe I'm an idealist, but I think the black thing and the religion thing are better since he died. Not a ton better, but better still. Some of my best friends are black. And Protestant. But not at the same time. I'm going to shut up now.

Daddy, What's a Joint?

The other night at dinner Michael had to finish his Explode the Code, which is a workbook that combines spelling, grammar and all that English jazz. He asked Aron what a joint is.

Aron told him it's like a bend in something, like where your elbow is or your knee or your hip.

Then he said, "and" ...

And I thought he was going to say something else, so I said, "Michael, let me tell you about my childhood and the definition of joint."

But no, Aron told him it's like a joint checking account.

I could not resist and had to give him the THIRD definition of a joint so he is not that socially awkward homeschooler we all hear about. I told him it's a marijuana cigarette. They vaguely know what that is, only because every now and then when we are out they hear me exclaim,

"I smell pot! I'd know pot anwhere! I've never been high. I wish I could get high because I would be less high-strung, but it's illegal and I am too attached to you guys, so I'm not getting high. Anyway. How 'bout those Chiefs?"

The Poopie Doula

Have you ever had to be a Poopie Doula for your kid?

FYI: a doula is a labor support person.

One time a friend of mine asked her insurance company if they covered doulas and had to explain what one was, using the above definition. The person goes, "Like a union representative?"

No, dummy, the doula is the person who gives the doctor the stink-eye when the in-pain mom can't do it and the dad is too overwhelmed do it.

Anyway, rarely, but often enough, I have to be the poopie doula for a kid o' mine. It goes like this:

Kid: Mommy, my poop won't come out. It's stuck.

Me: PUUUUUUUUUUSH!

Kid: I'm pushing [panicking] and it won't come out!

Me: I can see the top of the poop's head. It wants to come out, be named and be flushed. Just sit for a moment anad gather your strength, honey, and then PUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!

I'm sure you can conclude that the poop comes out just fine. Thanks to me, the Poopie Doula.

Jordan Takes the Girls to Get They Nails Did

Eva's 4th birthday was in December, before Christmas. Jordan's gift to her was to take her to get her nails done (we say get your nails DID just for fun). We all piled into the mommyvan and rolled on over to the ghetto WalMart (not really ... I mean, this IS still Johnson County, after all, and there's not REALLY a ghetto).

Jordan, Callie and Eva went into the nail salon while me and my boys went back to the toy department and did some other pre-Christmas shopping.

(left) Eva getting ready to get her nails painted with pretty little flowers ... fingers AND toes. The woman did Callie's also just cuz they're sisters and are so dang cute.

Here are my sweet baby girls getting their nails DRIED. Sorry I don't have a picture of the finished product ... the zoom/macro was not working right that day. The girls had such a good time. I never could have dreamed when I started having kids that we would be given someone like Jordan as a big sister to my kids. It is not all peace and light, don't get me wrong here. She acts just like a big sister and sometimes has to chase them down in the house and beat them up :-) But they love each other like siblings, and we thank God for Jordan!

Glade Plug-Ins ... My Nose Fell Off Again

I just got my nose put back on my face from when it fell off smelling Downy Unstopables (where's the second P, you spelling morons?! and I know I've just set myself up to make typing errors in this post, so I totally expect you to berate me for that). Then I had to go and make a stupid purchase called Glade Plug-Ins because I had a coupon (koo-pon).

Why must I buy smelly things? Why do we try to mask the odor that is Life? These are questions to be answered by God when I die.

I enjoy my Beautiful and Happy perfumes and they don't make me sick. I love having a nice candle going ... nothing too perfumey, of course. I like for my house to NOT smell like hamster and dirty diaper, so I try to mask those smells with something like the Glade Plug-In.

All I know is that within minutes of plugging it in (the oil one), I am walking around like a cat with a hairball, trying to hock the nastiness out of my throat. When did I get so flipping sensitive to smells? When I turned 40?

I knew this would happen when I used to Old Lady Babysit this woman and she could NOT handle any smells ... gave me extra money to buy unscented anything-I-could-get-my-hands-on ... unscented deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, makeup. I tried to tell her that $25 back in 1995 would not buy me much of that at the swanky Whole Foods store. So I did my best and of course anything I smelled like would set her off. I think it was my laundry detergent on my clothes that drove her the most nutty, and I could not even smell it.

So who lives near me and wants my costly oil Glade Plug-in with EXTRA REFILLS that I spent like $20 on? Someone with a non-sensitive nose, please. Maybe I'll just donate it to Catholic Charities ... ha!

Avoid Divorce: Have More Kids

I have such a great marital tip for you that you won't believe it was so simple. The answer is right in front of you! Do you want to know how to avoid a divorce?

Have more kids! Give birth to some, adopt some, get some from a surrogate, foster some. Get 'em however you have to (don't steal 'em, for gosh sake, though!)

So here's the deal: the more kids you have, generally the less money you have. The majority of people in the US are not rich anyway. When I get good and mad at my husband, for instance, all I have to do is try to figure out how we would live in TWO households separately, financial-wise. It can't be done. My stepdad jokes that if we ever divorced, my husband would be living in a box under a bridge (or, more accurately, step-daddy, Aron would be living in his sweet ride, The Beast, the F150 red truck). I probably would not be able to keep homeschooling and would have to put 3 kids in school while doing daycare and taking care of my other 2 little ones. So if I went for a divorce I would be giving up my sweet life.

And yes, it would seem I would love to get rid of 5 kids every other weekend and have some peace and quiet, it is simply not so. I am happy with ONE hour, never mind a weekend. What would I do with myself but get into trouble?

*For those readers with an eagle eye, you saw that I, Kerrie, have a step-parent. I actually have two of 'em. This is not because I am an only child. My parents' divorce happened when I was in my late twenties (it actually finalized around the time of my marriage to Aron ... eek!). So maybe I just shot my own theory down. Dangit, I do that all the time. So, what do you think of my little theory?

Books, Spirits, Mediums and Mommy Y

This post is inspired by Mommy Y over here.

Books I'm Reading:
Sweep by Cate Tiernan. It's a young adult thing, and someone I know seemed to look down on the fact that I was reading it, and yet this person is a huge fan of the Twilight stuff, and I don't see the difference. They are both young adult, right? So Sweep is actually 3 books in one that my mom loaned me, and it's about a young girl finding out she is a witch (a good witch, Christian friends who are judging me harshly right now).

One Day by ??? It's being made into a movie right now so I hope the book is good. Got it from the library.

Hunger Games by ??? Too lazy to go look up the authors. Sorry. This is also being made into a movie and I like to read the book before seeing the movie. Like I ever see movies.

Questions I Have:
1. What exactly IS the point of Pinterest? Mommy Y asked this, also. People are following me, too, and I don't get what I'm supposed to do to be worthy of that. Isn't Facebook addicting enough? There are people in my homeschool group who are on there so much that I don't know how their kids learn anything at all. I'm sure they think the same of me about my writing, although I get up early to do most of that.

2. How do you feel, if you are Christian, about mediums and spirits? There's a big discussion going on in my homeschool group about this. Some people are freaking out about how evil they are, but I've seen good things from mediums, and I know not all spirits are bad. I had a bad ouija board experience once. Maybe it wasn't BAD, but the thing was moving by itself and I was too young to ask it logical questions. I once saw my dead great-grandpa Guy once when I was really sick when I was about 7 years old, but that's the extent of my medium abilities. And that was comforting, not evil.

See ya at church :-) Or maybe not. That's okay, I like you anyway.

A Sam Post: FRUCK!

This is Sam writing. I am so busy being naughty that I sometimes forget that you are all waiting for me to write about the naughtiness. Don't you remember being a kid, you know, like before you could read? Don't you remember being naughty? Wasn't it great?

Anyhows, I hafta tell you guys about something cool my mom did. Last night online she scheduled a fire station visit with one of our homeschool groups. At NIGHT! At a really cool new fire station in Lenexa, KS that is like LEED or something like that. I don't know what that means. I think they have a fire boat or something, too, for lake rescues and such. I am excited to see the FRUCKS (firetrucks).

Okay, so check this out, my latest exploit. So the other day when Mommy was doing laundry and wasn't looking, I turned the hot water heater all the way down! Then I looked all innocent. Then Sunday morning when Mommy got in the shower for church, it was ice cold and she had to shower anyway and she was screaming and yelling and cussing and stuff. She figured out what I did pretty quick, got out of the shower, stormed down to the basement and turned the heater up. But it still took a long time to get warm, so she got a cold shower! I was giggling inside. I'm already planning my next naughty exploits, so stay tuned to the Sam Posts!

My Snotty Whole Foods Splurge

So my friend needed me to go to Whole Foods for her because it’s closer to my house and I was going to be down 2 kids (they were at a party at her house, in fact). She only needed a couple of things, but what she doesn’t realize is that Whole Foods is like my shoes or my crack. This means that I can take or leave shoes or crack (you know I’ve never tried crack!), but I LOVE food with a passion. I am a foodtard, though. Luckily I married a food genius named Aron.

I will now share my Whole Foods purchases with you. Oh, I also have to add first that sometimes I get crazy in Whole Foods because the people are so different from people who shop at Aldi. Sometimes I walk the aisles chanting, “Get me out of the land of the rich, healthy people.” Yes, I know you don’t have to be rich to shop there, but some stuff is so pricey. I suppose if I never got a Starbuck’s coffee out and NEVER ate out EVER I could afford to eat SOME stuff at Whole Foods. I’m CONSIDERING getting healthy someday and eating mostly good-for-me stuff, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

So my MAJOR PURCHASE was these poached salmon veggie rolls. They were like a buck a piece but SO healthy and yummy. I also got a salad ON SALE … butternut squash, goat cheese and walnuts. I added half an avocado that was on sale. I saved the other half for later and told it, “I will place you in this plastic baggie with your seed still on. I don’t care if you turn brown in the fridge. I will always love you anyway.” I also have to always get those naughty cocoa chewy cookies that are like a buck a piece there. I spent my kids’ college savings on these salmon burgers because this crack (I mean, SALMON) dealer was handing out samples and I knew my family would love them.

I wanted the coffee yogurt but will wait until it goes on sale (I will spend a buck on a cookie but not a buck on one yogurt that would make a great breakfast with some Kashi). CRAP … I just wrote KASHI … did you see that?! I know we cloth diaper and homeschool and stuff, but I will never go 100% Whole Foods. I love my cheap Aldi, and they have some healthy stuff.

Still, if I made like $50 an hour writing and could afford to spend $1,000 per month on groceries (holy crap!), I would totally convert to Whole Foods. There’s just something kinda snobby about it, like people are judging the non-organic peoples of the world. I don’t really care about organic; I just love the variety and the quality!

P.S. I know there are people like my friend Jeani who have food allergies and must shop at Whole Foods for all the gluten-free and other special foods. And then there are the people who just want to feed themselves and their families totally healthy stuff. Don’t forget about the people with, like, cancer who are trying to eat all clean to try to reverse their disease. So I’m thinking maybe 50% of shoppers there are just trying to be cool.

The Turtle's Vagina

All in a day’s work, January 2, 2012

Callie: About the turtle, “Michael, I think he’s a girl. I think I saw his vagina.”

Eva: “With all of the food I ate, I had a bad poop.”

Breastfeeding Art by Picasso!

Did you know Picasso did a painting of a woman nursing her infant? I discovered this painting at my friend Jill's house [Jill, if you're reading this, please comment with your blog address so people can come see you!].

Last fall I finally got back enough brainpower (it takes me two years after having a baby to be normal again!) to realize that I could order my own print of this off the Internet and get it framed at Michael's. So now I have it hanging in our bedroom over Eva's twin bed. Whenever Sam sees it, he gets all excited and says "nay nay", which is how my last 3 kids have said nursing. The boys always said "tetita", which is a quasi-Spanish word we learned from my sister-in-law who grew up in Panama.

ANYWAY, I apologize for digressing like I always do! My question is: do you own art? This is my only piece. Aron has some cool coastline paintings and a Calvin and Hobbes painting his brother did. The kids have a couple of cool ocean paintings from my mom and my friend Alex. I used to have those cheapo posters of like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe and the Eiffel Tower and Abbey Road but those are long gone. Do those count as art?

FYI: I got my piece at www.art.com for only like $16 using MyPoints (25% off plus I got MyPoints)!