Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Errands With 5 Kids ... It Can Be Done

I have to get this post typed because the notes for it are written on a nasty cardboard coffee cup and I need to throw it away.

Allow me to set the scene for you:

It's a weekday. Aron is out of town. I have errands that have been piling up, things I don't HAVE TO DO or people might die but things I would LIKE TO GET DONE for peace of mind.

First we had to the mall. Yes, the big, nice, snooty mall. I have to go to Lenscrafters to order new sunglasses since mine got damaged when I fell on my face back in August at the pool. (yes, I know many people who DON'T like me read this blog, so that one was for you ... laugh away!) So we park by Nordstrom and go in the covert way. We pass the luxury cars, which of course the kids want to touch. It's like 2 in the afternoon and Lenscrafters is CRAWLING with people. HUH?

So I take a deep breath and talk myself into waiting while trying to contain 5 energetic kids. It's not the 1950s, people, and you can't discipline your kids in public without going to jail. Remember how society has cut off our parenting nuts next time you see kids running wild somewhere with a parent only whining, "Stop, Jimmy, stoooooooop it."

It's finally our turn and ...

Tip #1: Be extra nice to the clerks. If you kill them with kindness and humor about the situation, you cut off their snarky looks and comments! To diffuse snarky young men, I simply brightly say, "Sex makes babies, it is true! I finally figured it out."

So we get out of there unscathed. But somebody has to pee, so we tromp through Nordstrom and up two flights of escalator to the family bathroom. (on the way we see someone we know, a super-nice, super-cool woman and I pray my kids don't do something totally hillbilly in front of her!) We emerge about 3 days later because everyone had to pee or poop.

By this time I need a freaking treat. I hit the shi-shi Nordstrom coffeeshop and pay one million dollars for a coffee and 5 cookies. While I wait, I chase down two kids while the other three are in Bath and Body Works hanging around.

We walk out the doors into freedom and the kids want to climb these parking lot stairs. I say okay, and being as how I'm 40 now and out of shape, I'm the last one up. In the meantime, a parking lot cop has confronted my oldest son about where his parents are, etc. I vow to get in shape so I can beat my kids to the top next time.

I'm all geared up to head to CVS next. After all, I NEED that deal on L'Oreal Youth Code. I can feel my neck wrinkling by the day and I have to have it before I am wearing scarves all year long. The girls want to look at the makeup, so I leave them with Joel one aisle over to do that. Michael and Sam come with me to find the Fountain of Youth. A nice young man has to help me find it, because he's stocking it. I ask him if it works. He just laughs at me. I tell him sex makes babies.

By this time the girls are somewhere else looking at videos and I decide I will have to put them all on leashes or get them the microchip.

Did I mention earlier in the day we had grocery shopping to do? Did I mention this is the life I always dreamed of and that I would not trade it for anything in the world? My worst, hardest day as a mom is better than my best day when I was working at a "real" J.O.B. I'm not a good worker-bee (I get bored too easily).