Dad's Sunday Book Club

This is what Aron does with the kids sometimes on weekends while I try to sneak in a few minutes of writing. I love when kids get to Eva’s age and they bring you a picture book and beg you to sit with them and tell them the names of things they point to.

Negative Review of Jenkins & LeBlanc Children's Dentist Practice

*Update November 2023 and my mom gives me a copy of a local magazine with the "Best Of" in Kansas City. Jenkins is not with LeBlanc anymore, but LeBlanc is apparently the best of dentists in the city. I disagree. Overpriced services, too many flashy extras, no humility, and the filling fell out anyway. Someone who owns their own business should be humble enough to apologize to a customer when they keep them waiting, no matter the reason. Sometimes the customer just likes to be validated and then they'll love you forever. No validation of the experience = a customer who not only will never come back with their five kids, but a customer who will write about their bad experience for all to see.

If you live in South Overland Park in the great state of Kansas, get ready to be offended.

So I took Callie to this Kansas City children's dentist because they could get her in sooner for her filling. The first appointment found us waiting for 40 minutes so she could be seen for about 2 minutes. The waiting room had a big, flat-screen TV on the wall playing Despereaux. There were video game stations. There was a huge aquarium. Then there was the Starbuck’s brew-by-the-cup station for the parents.

After her “appointment,” Callie got a token to put in the toy machine. Then she got a balloon. And stickers. And each of my kids got a popsicle because the ice cream machine was down.

They sneak the cost of all this crap into the cost of nitrous oxide, apparently, because we had to come up with $200 for that alone. I like Karen’s idea of having your kid get comfy with a dentist so there isn’t a need for nitrous or Baby Valium (recently heard a report that nitrous oxide is contributing to the depletion of the ozone layer, as well), and I will probably try that in the future.

Here’s where I will offend you, Ladies of South Overland Park (for those of you from out-of-town, South OP is akin to Beverly Hills):

The day of her actual visit Aron took off work and we ALL went to the dentist. Why not, when there’s a playland there AND Starbuck’s for us? Every mother who came through the door was super-skinny and totally put-together. Their kids were all immaculate. The women all had these high-pitched Valley Girl voices. And felt like they were sacrificing their lives by not having their NANNY bring their kid to the dentist (yes, I got that from an actual conversation). I felt like I was in an episode of 90210: The Mommy Years.

The dentist was 45 minutes late, and Callie hadn’t been allowed to eat breakfast since they’d be using the nitrous oxide. Being Pregnant Me right now, I chewed him out really good and he acted offended that I would dare to call him out on being so dang late.

Growing up, I was lucky to get a toothbrush and floss at my family dentist’s office. I’m thinking of taking my kids to MY dentist so they don’t come to expect a Bentley every time they do something necessary like get their teeth cleaned or get a Pap Smear.

Update: then the filling fell out. We didn't go back. Not our kind of place.

I Always Know What To Do

Callie, age 4 ½, giggling as she handed me a Flavor Ice and I got the scissors to cut off the top: “You always know what to do! You know to put my clothes on, to cut things!”

That’s my job. I may not keep an immaculate home, but I definitely take care of my kids. And if their faces are dirty sometimes or their hair isn’t brushed, who cares? Their souls are clean and their hearts have been brushed. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? But you know what I mean.

I want to know an area where you slack off. You can’t shock me (I saw the Oprah where the woman said she sometimes doesn’t bathe her kids for 3 weeks), and you may end up in the next edition of The Laid Back Mom’s Parenting Guidebook.

And if you want some more good comments about yesterday's post, Friend me on Facebook ... Kerrie McLoughlin. The discussion kept going over there, and I am NOT the crazy one ... this time.

I Am the Crazy One

Warning: there's a cuss word in this post :-)

So I’m convinced now that I am the overprotective, paranoid parent. Here’s why …

Joel has an 8-year-old girl friend who stays home alone for a couple of hours at a time. This same friend decides to go shopping with a friend when she wants. Apparently they do that all the time. And they go to the local library alone, too. I live in a decent area, but just across a major street is the equivalent of the semi-privileged ghetto (does that even make sense?).

Joel has a 7-year-old girl friend. Her dad lets her stay out a set amount of time doing whatever she wants. He tells her what time to be home, but she doesn’t have a watch. She goes around knocking on doors until somebody lets her in to see a clock.

Another 7-year-old boy in the neighborhood rides around on a mini motorcycle and doesn’t look before he blasts across streets. I told him I hope I don’t accidentally run him over sometime. Don’t you need a license to ride a little motorcycle? The kid says his bike goes 30 mph. We live in a busy area, and most drivers have their heads up their asses while talking on their cell phones.

I’m not letting Joel go to the lake (3 hours away) with neighbors we don’t know THAT well. He doesn’t really want to go anyway, but I told them I’M overprotective. I still say a prayer when Joel and Michael cross the street alone to go ahead to the park before me.

Tresa got frustrated trying to convince the CarMax people that it was NOT okay for her to leave her kids (ages 2 and not-yet-4) in the little waiting area while she went out to look at cars.

NEWSFLASH, People: It’s not the 1950s anymore, like when my dad, as a kid, could ride the bus to Downtown and hang out all day and be safe.

Why am I usually the odd woman out when it comes to giving a shit about my kids living or dying or getting molested? I do know 2 moms who won’t let their kids spend the night anywhere. I respect that. Maybe they think I’M reckless with my kids for letting them stay the night with friends sometimes.

What is it about the magical age of 7 that makes kids think they are completely responsible, and why do so many adults seem to agree with that? And the stories above are just a tiny sampling. I can’t tell you how many times people have dropped their kid off at my house at 2 p.m. and they hadn’t fed their kid lunch yet.

FYI: I’m pregnant with my 5th kid. Just because I’m all capable and crap doesn’t mean that I am to be used. If I watch your kid daily for 3 weeks, then you should damn well say YES when I ask if you can watch my 3 oldest ones for 3 hours. People have no manners.

I’m moving to the country with other people with freaky values. Maybe Tennessee. Or Oklahoma.

Sorry to rant on you. I’ll be all serene after the baby comes. And I’ll be hinting to all these users that I need MEALS … and Pizza Hut delivery is just fine, thank you. They can just call in a double order when they call in their twice-weekly dinner order.

My Van's Butt

Guess we're gonna try to cram all 5 kids into the Town and Country (meaning it has only 7 seats total). Yes, Karen has already warned me of the ramifications of having a booster in the front seat or of having a kid only in a lap belt in the back.

Part of me says look at all the crap kids survived in cars way back before seat belts. Part of me is all freaked out. Part of me thinks the kids would be safer in the minivan with NO SEAT BELTS than with me driving a 12-passenger van, but I should have thought of all this BEFORE getting knocked up again, right?

So here's the back of my van now ...

The Sweetest Dad Ever

What kind of dad paints his daughter’s tiny toenails at his own birthday party? That would be Aron. For the record, he paints mine, too. And has offered to shave my legs since I’m all pregnant and big-bellied right now. But people coming at me with razors freaks me out, so I just try to be as flexible as possible. It’s quite entertaining.

Mrs. Hannigan

Crap, I may have to change my label off to the right from “Tresa worship” to “Fellow Blogger Worship.”

My pal Lisa Russell goes by Mrs. Hannigan on her blog and it hit me last week WHY. She’s the mother of 6 girls. Miss Hannigan ran an orphanage for girls in the movie Annie. I remembered how much I loved the play and the movie Annie. So I put it on hold at the library.

The day it came in I raced to the library, grabbed it, raced home and popped it into the VCR. My kids were entranced by this 23-year-old masterpiece.

I realized that this movie is just another reason why I spoil my kids. You watch a movie about little orphans enough times and you start to feel bad for them. And you worry that your own kids may someday be orphans, so you want them to remember you well.

Another way this movie affected me: I always wanted kids and knew that if I could not deliver them myself or adopt, I would damn well grab all the foster kids and orphans The State would let me have and take good care of them and love the crud out of them. I’m sure The State would frown on homeschooling and cosleeping, but they’re (The State) not doing much better, so I’d give it a shot anyway.

Nose Picker

I’m getting pregnanter and pregnanter, so forgive me for thinking this is hilarious.


Excerpt from The Laid-Back Mom’s Parenting Guidebook (available for purchase down the left side of the blog)
CLOTHING
I don’t mess with pajamas at bedtime for my kids or for myself. We just wear comfy clothes that we can fall asleep in = the ultimate in lazy!
Tip: If your kids don’t want to wear underwear, that’s less laundry for you.
If you could get away with wearing a onesie in the summer and footie jammies in the winter all day every day with no shoes or hair bows or other useless junk, wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s just me.

Swedish vs. Irish

Thank God for my mother, who tapes me random crap (in addition to Rescue Me and Flipping Out and the Housewives series) off of cable.

So I’m watching Top Chef Masters, which I’ve never seen before because I’m not fond of cooking. I do like to eat, though. Good thing I married a cook.

There’s a chef on there who is Swedish. He talks about how Swedes are always on time (I used to be on time before I married Aron), and others talk about how Swedes are guarded, even-keeled, not super-emotional. My dad’s side of the family is hugely Swedish. I’m not anything like these people are describing.

Then it hits me! BAM! I finally understand why I’m the quasi Black Sheep on my dad’s side. It’s because my mom’s side is Irish! Hello! Don’t I act WAY more like an Irish person? I’m WAY more Tommy Gavin in Rescue Me than a let’s-not-talk-about-it, let’s-sweep-it-under-the-rug Swede. I’m always annoyed about SOMETHING, and I want to talk about it, dammit. I want to hash it out until it’s a totally dead issue.

Then there’s the stereotype of the Irish who can’t figure out birth control (heard of Irish twins … born less than a year apart?). CLEARLY I can’t figure out birth control … (big joke since I use Natural Family Planning and know WAY more about my cycles than I care to).

The thing that confounds me is the drinking thing … I don’t care for alcohol, darnit. Is that a Swedish thing?

The Pregnancy Card

This will teach me to brag about my high pregnancy energy level and how great B12 vitamins are.

One weekend recently I was sooo sluggish. Aron was trying to make spaghetti sauce from our garden’s tomatoes, and he also picked buttloads of green beans to can. I was like, NO HELP AT ALL. I’m all big now, and the baby is sucking all my energy and forcing me to rest. And jack around on Facebook. And clean out my e-mail. And try to promote the e-book, which has sold all of one copy. But don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll be alright (sniffle).

So Aron tells some practical stranger at work how I pulled the Pregnancy Card over the weekend. He said he doesn’t mind since I NEED to rest and all that, but that he’s used to me being 8 ½ months pregnant with a kid on my hip while mowing the lawn. That’s sweet.

It’s nice to know he thinks I’m usually Wonder Woman (or the mighty Isis), but the dude has to realize I’m 38 years old carrying his FIFTH love child. I told him I’m gonna play the Pregnancy Card until the baby is born. Then I’m gonna pull the “I Just Gave Birth” card … and fight for the baby boy name I really want (Henry). If he won’t let me name the potential-boy Henry, I’ll pretend like I’m hemorrhaging and am being called to the light.

Yeah, yeah, I know. The previous name was Max. But I’m a Gemini and change my mind a lot. I’m also not getting a 12-passenger van when the baby comes because I think we can somehow all cram into the minivan. Aron needs to realize it’s a miracle I haven’t changed my mind about HIM in the last 14 years.

Switching Dentists

You know when someone is treating you not quite how you would like to be treated and you aren’t sure why? Believe me, I don’t expect any royal treatment when I’m out and about, but I do expect to be treated nicely by receptionists and so on, especially when they meet me for the first time and I’m bringing them a potential FIVE little patients.

I could never quite put my finger on the treatment I got at the kids’ dentist office over the last couple of years, but it was akin to the scene in Pretty Woman where the workers at the clothing store tell Julia Roberts she can’t afford something when she hasn’t even asked the price.

Maybe I get snot from people because I homeschool. Maybe it’s because I let my 2-year-old get a cavity, so that qualifies me for White Trash Status. Maybe it’s because I have the balls to have 5 kids and stay home with them. Don’t know. And lately I. Don’t. Care.

So it seems Callie may have ANOTHER cavity (yes, I am deeply embarrassed to be admitting that … even though I personally brush her teeth, apparently my Sugar Mama status has caught up to us, not to mention she may have inherited my and my grandma’s “soft teeth.”

I call the dentist to get her an appointment. I expect a QUICK appointment (within a week) because I can SEE the cavity. They tell me their first available is 17 days away, and get an accusing tone with me because she hasn’t been there for 2 years. In my defense, I don’t see how ONE cleaning every six months will make a difference if I’m totally on the brushing thing AND then there’s the little matter of how Callie kicks and screams when they even try to LOOK in her mouth. I don’t want her equating the dentist with torture, so I’ve just kept her away. White Trash again, I suppose. And I know you’re wondering, and no, the kids don’t have a particular love for the actual dentist.

I pondered the snotty receptionists at the dentist and started looking through KC Parent magazine for alternates. I found one who had an appointment in just 3 days, AND the receptionist was extremely sweet. I know I made the right decision because when I called the other dentist to cancel, the receptionist pulled 20 Questions on me:

Snot: “Did the matter resolve itself?” (Yeah, lady, the cavity just disappeared! It was like something out of Harry Potter or the Bible.)

Me: “No. I just found someone who could get her in sooner.”

Snot: “Is this her first time here?”

Me: “No. Does it matter? I can SEE a cavity … wouldn’t you try to fit someone in quickly? I think ya’ll are just too busy.”

Snot: “Is she seeing someone else, then?”

Me: “Yes.” (meaning: Lady, you can put down the phone number for Child Protective Services because I’m not going to try to drill the cavity myself to save money since I’m all White Trash with all my barefoot hillbilly kids)

My point is: why do we stick with providers we don’t like or other people (including friends) who are rude to us? This goes for family, too. If someone exudes negativity toward you, you don’t HAVE to be able to explain it. Just get the hell away. This goes for if you get negativity off of ME, as well. I apologize, and let’s just stay the hell away from each other.

AT&T and My Technologically Abusive Husband

I love when AT&T calls me about once a year to discuss new products and services.

First they want to know how I access the Internet. I tell them I don’t. They ask if I even have a computer. I say yes. They ask if I want the Internet. I say no, not unless my husband dies first.

Then they ask me about DirecTV and other cable and want to know how I get my cable now. I tell them I don’t. I tell them my converter box rocks. And that I won’t get cable unless my husband dies first.

Then they ask about our cell phones. I tell them I’m on my mom’s Sprint plan (no Internet, no texting) and Aron has a TracPhone.

Then I tell them I wouldn’t get any of that stuff from them anyway since they screw me so bad on my land line service, which I’m stuck with since Aron won’t part with it.

I live in a strange household, don’t I? It’s almost like Aron is technologically abusive toward me. Good thing for him he rocks in every other way.

No Shoes, No Service

By now you’ve probably heard about the Burger King in St. Louis that asked a woman to leave because her 6-month-old didn’t have shoes on. They said it violated a health code.

1. Babies don’t need shoes. Eva is 20 months old and has maybe worn shoes 6 times in her life. She’s a little pigeon-toed, and my doctor (Mr. Ultra Careful) said NOT wearing shoes is the best thing for her. Of course we put shoes on her when the ground is hot, and when winter comes she’ll have shoes and socks. We’re not COMPLETELY stupid.

2. Check your county for “no shoe” health violation codes. I dare you to find one. I once saw on CBS Sunday Morning where a guy NEVER wears shoes. He goes into places and they tell him it’s a health code violation, but it’s not. People just make crap up.

3. We’ve been asked to either put shoes on our little kids (I make my kids 2 and up wear shoes) or leave sometimes, but that’s more because they are afraid the kid will step on a crack pipe and sue. Damn our litigious society and damn that woman who sued McDonald’s for the hot coffee incident.

4. Don’t people have better things to worry about, like making the burger “my way”?

The Best Grandpa

The other night I took a baby doll in for Aron and Eva to play with and called Aron "Grandpa." He says, "I'm gonna be the best grandpa ever. Except I'll be old and damn near dead."

Well, genius, when you're almost 43 and still crankin' out the kids, you're likely to be a grandpa AND still have little ones running around the house. I realize this causes many of you to shudder. It's okay. Just go back to your Wii or your ESPN or your Young and the Restless, and you'll forget all about this blog post soon as if it was/were (I never could remember the difference) a bad dream.

Eva Peeva

This is Eva, my 4th and most naughty child. She's a Table Climber like her sister was. But she's so darn cute I just want to eat her up. My diaper bag is behind her in this picture ... I could carry her in it.

Cleaning Magnet

This is also on my fridge.

Weight Loss Magnet

This is on my fridge.

Pregnancy Horror Stories

WHY WHY WHY do people like to tell pregnant women horror stories?

Recently a guy tells me this gem: When his sister-in-law was pregnant with her third child, she woke up and basically peed a ton of blood. They lived in a small town, so the ambulance barely got her to the hospital in time. Five more minutes and the kid would’ve been dead. She was not even close to the end of her pregnancy, so the kid spent SIX MONTHS in the NICU.

Then there are the people who like to tell me how I’m having too many kids and that their mom’s uterus FELL OUT while she was grocery shopping. Or that there was just a baby born without a brain. Or that I’m almost 38 and should get an amniocentesis (NEVER!) to check for “problems.”

Great. Thanks. Do you feel better now?

So I’m writing about it on this site and then I’m putting it out of my mind because I CHOOSE to think positively during this lifetime. Even when I was fully pregnant with Callie and passed that huge blood clot and the ambulance came and they were talking C-section and the ambulance people didn’t even check for a freaking heartbeat, I stayed calm, prayed and thought good thoughts and everything was FINE (no C-section!). To this day, my doctor still doesn’t know what that huge clot was.

There’s a woman in my Catholic homeschool group who thinks positive thinking is a bunch of New Age crap, but I say, “What does it hurt to think of good outcomes?” Isn’t prayer just a bunch of positive thoughts, after all?

*Don't forget: if you're a writer-type, come check me out at Writing Mommies today, where I'm talking about when an editor wants local quotes and sidebars ...

Deanna Rose Farmstead

We took our first trip to Deanna Rose Farmstead in Overland Park, Kansas at the end of July. There are animals, a garden, a pond, little tractors to race, a dairy barn, a playground and a waterground (water they can just play in on the ground). I assaulted someone to take this picture since I never seem to have any with my kids and myself!

Kickin' Back

I like testing the weight limit of stuff. Like strollers. This was taken when I was 7 months pregnant with Eva. We were at the park with nowhere for Preggie to sit, so I plunked my butt down in the stroller, hoping it would hold. It did.

Lemonade Stand

Just a reminder to support your local lemonade stand.

To Rich’s Family

Dear Rich’s Family (can’t use your last name because of kooky Internet predators these days, huh?),

I didn’t know Rich and probably only met him a couple of times when I was younger. But he is my dad’s cousin and was very important to my dad.

I want to tell you all how sorry I am that Rich has died of the horrible cancer. I can’t believe he was the same age as my own dad (they were born within days of each other in 1950; cousins). I don’t know what I would do without my own father, and I can’t imagine what you are all going through right now.

Vicki and Dave … to lose your brother at that age must be devastating. Please know that I am thinking of you. I truly believe Rich is in an awesome place right now … a place of total happiness and peace, no matter how he lived his life or whether or not he accepted Jesus into his life.

Gene and Kay … what must it be like to lose a child to something so lingering and unforgiving? I wish I had had the means to fly my own family, myself, and my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents to Florida for the memorial service. Someone is missing from our family now, and it hurts.

Take care of yourselves. We love you and wish you peace,

Kerrie and Family

Sick and Wrong

We are a sick and wrong family. But we laugh a lot and have fun. We don’t argue much. We use a sense of humor to get through most things.

Remember those “this is your brain on drugs” commercials? I like to tell the kids, “this is your butt on crack.” Get it? Like a butt crack?

If that ain’t grounds for therapy, nothing is. I should probably pay for ½ of my kids’ therapy since I’m messing them up so badly with my crazy antics. God help anyone who marries into this family!

Hold Your Babies!!!

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. Below is a quote from the book. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here’s my personal favorite … the best for last and all that.

“When my daughter was a newborn, an older cousin asked, ‘Do you ever just sit there and hold her while she’s sleeping and just watch her? All day?’ I sheepishly answered yes. She said, ‘It’s okay, you know. To just sit and watch them. I did it all the time. My house still hasn’t resumed complete order and there are still dishes in the sink.’ Her daughter was eleven at the time. It was probably the best advice I got. Now my daughter is two and sometimes I still just watch her. When she’s sleeping or playing or running outside, I just stop. And watch. There are still dishes in my sink, too.”

This is me and I get SICK of people (especially those close to me) asking me how I can stand to have my kid stuck on me while he/she sleeps.

And yet why can’t I ask THEM, “How can you stand to be so heartless as to not be able to comprehend why I would DESIRE to hold my own child? The housework and other meaningless crap will always be there, but your kid will not. Stop being such an ass and try to LEARN from me.”

Instead I say, "I was 30 when I had my first kid. I got all the 'me time' and partying out of the way in my twenties and now concentrate on my kids and my marriage."

Reincarnation

I found this quote in a book Tresa loaned me, called “Only Love Is Real.”

And still her grief would not abate.
At last she bore another child, and great
Was the father’s joy; and loud his cry: “A Son!”
That day, to thus rejoice – he was the only one.
Dejected and wan the mother lay; her soul was numb …
Then suddenly she cried with anguish wild,
Her thoughts less on the new than on the absent child …
“My angel in his grave, and I not at his side!”
Speaking through the babe now held in her embrace
She hears again the well-known voice adored:
“Tis I, — but do not tell!” He gazes at her face.
Victor Hugo

I don’t care what my religious friends or family think about reincarnation. It’s comforting to me for many reasons, so I will continue to believe in it.

Many people I know wonder why I practice attachment parenting with my kids and sometimes spoil them so badly with nursing and bedsharing and homeschooling and attention. It’s because I lost a child to a bad miscarriage (at the hands of my abusive partner) when I was younger, and I like to believe that maybe that kid chose to come back to me because he or she knew I could take better care of him/her this time around.

Messed Up People Quotes

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. The quotes from the book are almost done ... after a break tomorrow I'll do the final quote on Monday. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here ya go:

“I wish someone had told me that everyone is screwed up in one way or another, no matter how pulled together they look from the outside. And that those who don’t have any screws loose are very boring.”

And

“I think people who don’t ‘believe’ in ADHD, autism, or other psychological disorders are ignorant and judgmental. Just because you’re lucky enough not to have to deal with one of these challenges yourself doesn’t mean the disorders don’t exist … The icing on the cake? Those who pat themselves on the back about their superior parenting skills because their child ‘doesn’t behave like that’. Trust me, I am a GREAT mother. You would end up in tears in a heap on the floor if you had to parent my kid every day.”

Extra Weight Quotes

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. Over the next few days I’ll throw you some quotes from the book. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here ya go:

“I secretly think I am beautiful. I have not lost the 25 pounds of pregnancy weight, but I put on my clothes over my curves, look in the mirror before leaving in the morning, and think I am stunningly gorgeous, tossing away any idea of losing weight. Then I get to the park and see all the skinny yuppie and hipster mothers and instantly feel fat. I wish I could hold on to that morning moment all the time.”

And

“I’m overweight. My stomach is covered with stretch marks and is saggy and squishy from recent weight loss. My boobs are saggy. My hips are disproportionately large. My thighs jiggle. My underarms wave way after I stop. And despite all this, I love my body and can’t understand why everyone always wants me to change it!”

And

“I am fat and glorious. I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise on either account. I make it all happen around here and I do it with style. My big ass is good at everything I need to do. That’s all I’m saying.”

This is totally how I feel at times (although I don’t call myself fat). I feel hot driving my minivan around with all those kids in the back that I gave birth to and nursed. Still, of course I’ll try to lose weight after the next baby comes because the less I weigh, the more energy I have to do stuff with my family. I think if I wasn’t married, though, I’d just leave my body alone and be extra curvy and enjoy my salads along with my cookie dough and my hiking along with my loafing.

Better Mommy Quote

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. Over the next few days I’ll throw you some quotes from the book. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here ya go:

“I lean over my babies’ beds at night when they’re asleep and whisper, ‘I promise I’ll be a better mommy tomorrow.’ There are just too many days I wish I’d done better.”

Hmmm. I guess that's all we can do. Keep trying to do better.

Lots of Kids Quote

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. Over the next few days I’ll throw you some quotes from the book. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here ya go:

“Today, when I saw my neighbor seven months pregnant and with three kids around her ankles, I told myself I’d be in the loony bin, but the truth is, I wish more than anything I was her.”

Makes me wonder about the complete strangers who call me crazy to my face for having so many kids and then spend 5 minutes justifying why THEY only have 2 kids. Instead of getting annoyed with them, I need to just let it go.

Breast Cancer Quote

I read this book called “True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real” and it’s helped me with some of my judgmental attitudes. Over the next few days I’ll throw you some quotes from the book. There’s also a web site you can check out. Here ya go:

“I just found out a week ago that I have breast cancer. I have not told anyone. Not even my husband. And I don’t think I will be able to let my kids know.”

I usually have such a big mouth that you’d think I’d tell the whole world if I found out I had cancer. And yet I can also see not burdening your family with such sad news. People look at you differently, feel sorry for you, assume you won’t be able to do anything anymore, turn their negative thoughts toward the sadness of you maybe dying.

What would you do?

McDonald’s Playland Shrew

That’s me; I’m the shrew. This mom comes up to me at McDonald’s who I’ve seen around before and asks me what I’m having.

Me: “A baby.”

Her: “Of course. I mean, boy or girl?”

Me: “Yes. One of those.”

Later, she asks what my husband does for a job and I tell her he’s an engineer. She nods knowingly and says something about it being nice that he has such a good job so I can stay home [read: and keep popping out babies and buy some McDonald’s fries every now and then]. I tell her he doesn’t make the big bucks … that I’ve used cloth diapers and nursed for 8 years, we don’t usually buy new clothes, we drive used vehicles, we don’t live in a mansion we can’t afford, etc.

She was really very nice; just inquisitive. I wanted to tell her I’M the one who asks the questions around this town.

Writing Mommies Blog

You have to check out the Writing Mommies blog ... I'm pushing it hard because it's very cool AND because I was asked to write for it on Sundays! Come on over, check it out and become a Follower (leading is so last year)!

“Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”

Yes, I'm pimping my e-book hard. Read on ...

Most of you out there have a parenting article in you.

Your age doesn’t matter. In fact, the longer you’ve been parenting the more experience you have to write about.

Not a parent? Just do lots of research and write about something that annoys you about people with kids.

Are you a dad? You have a unique perspective that moms want to read about.

Check out my huge e-book kit, “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”.

This 400-page e-book features contact information for over 200 regional parenting magazines, as well as a bonus section of 29 national and online publications such as Parents, BabyTalk, Mothering, Family Fun, Highlights and homeschool magazines. Many of the magazines have writer’s guidelines and pay information.

You are on your way to getting assignments from editors!!!!!

Imperfect Mother

There’s an online magazine called Imperfect Parent. Not surprisingly, they’ve been inundated with submissions and aren’t accepting anymore right now, so I can’t send them the 5,000 essays I could pound out in about an hour.

So I’ll share with you!

A few months ago I went to a Catholic homeschool group meeting. I hadn’t been in almost 2 years (because usually there were not interesting topics, didn’t want to drag all the kids when Aron was traveling, didn’t want to mess with a sitter). That night Aron was at CCD (like religion class for public school and homeschooled kids) preparing for First Communion. So I took the 3 Littles with me to the meeting.

I walked in (1) late with Eva in a sling eating a (2) Dum-Dum sucker. To placate the kids later, I put (3) 7-Up (could’ve been worse … could’ve been something caffeinated) in sippy cups for them. As I was wondering why I took a toddler to a meeting like that, she was (4) screeching and (5) moving chairs all over the place. Oh, and Callie (6) forgot her shoes.

Six parenting infractions. Now ask me if I care. Ask me if it mattered in the Grand Scheme of the Universe. Actually, I think it matters a lot to my kids that I let a lot of things go. We’re not structured, we eat sugar, we watch TV, we forget our shoes and socks sometimes (I once went barefoot to Aron’s cousin’s wedding because I was too busy making sure my 3 kids were dressed).

A couple of days later we went to a boys’ homeschool group Valentine soiree. Joel made 20 Valentines that said, “To a good cid like you.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him how to spell kid until afterwards. And I wasn’t one bit embarrassed that I’m a homeschooler and my 7 ½-year-old doesn’t know how to spell kid yet. I’m proud of him.

I LOVE hearing Imperfect Parent (or Imperfect Human Being, for that matter) stories. Please share!

Canteloupe Boobs

This is a picture of Joel from 2 years ago when we grew cantaloupe in our garden. Aron told him to hold the two halves this way, to look like boobs. Men! Wait, never mind on that because my mind is just as dirty.

Michael-ism

My 6-year-old says, “I know how to live forever. Just stay in the living room.”

Yeah, I’m way ahead of you and am reading “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Indigo Children” as you read this.

Euphemisms

I came across some writer’s guidelines the other day where the publication wants to make sure that, if it ever comes up, you use the term “intellectually challenged” instead of “mentally retarded.” Why did I give a little snort when I saw that, you ask?

Because my mom’s sister is mentally retarded and we’ve always called it that. Because mean kids and other jerks have always used the word “retarded” in a sentence to mean something bad, the term “mentally retarded” is now seen as horrific or something.

If I said “intellectually challenged” in front of my mom’s family, they would laugh their asses off.

So call me height-challenged, kindness-challenged and sanity-challenged. It doesn’t really matter what you call it, I’m still short, bitchy and crazy. And don’t forget cleanliness-challenged (i.e., messy).

Get Published!!!

Have you always wanted to write for a print publication, but don’t have the time to tediously gather information and read over sample and online copies? Are you a Mom Blogger sitting on some pretty good essay material? Don’t worry, I’ve done the upfront legwork for you with my latest e-book called “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”.

My valuable 400-page e-book kit contains information for over 200 regional parenting publications in the United States, Canada and Australia. Your first sale will pay for the cost of the e-book, and then you’re on your way to more success, including getting assignments from editors where you don’t even have to come up with the ideas!

There’s also an Excel e-mail address database so you can get started quickly. Then, once you have some published credits under your belt, check out the BONUS SECTION of 29 national and online publications. The kit also includes spreadsheets for keeping track of submissions, time and money.

What makes this e-book kit so valuable and so different from anything else you’ll find is that (1) many online sources only list 20 or so parenting magazines and their writer’s guidelines
(2) much of the information is outdated
(3) you don’t have to go digging around the Internet, spending your precious time to gather the information.
For $25, I’ve saved you hours of work that you can instead spend writing!

Jennifer Gregory of Raleigh, NC said this before she had even used the e-book: “This is very complete and will save a TON of time. The listings for the publications are very comprehensive and save so much time looking up the writers guidelines. I also really like the spreadsheet and how you note things like no reprints and exclusive. This will be great as a quick reference.”

After submitting an article, she wrote, “I just wanted to thank you! I used the information in your book already. The publisher of [one] RPM contacted me and said that they had just run a similar story, but wanted to see more of my stuff. I sent her samples and she called me to talk her publication because she said my stuff was really good. We talked for a while and she asked me to submit 5-6 ideas based on their upcoming calendar. I sent 6 ideas and she replied that she loved all of them and wanted me to do write them. So, thank you... You've already got me some work and a hopefully regular client.”

Here’s the link to buy “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines” … available for only $25. If you know anyone who would benefit from this e-book, please pass on this blog post or the buying link. You can even view the Table of Contents before you buy.

Thanks, and good luck!

Hungry Preggie

This is a pic from when I was 8 months pregnant with Eva. We'd just had our anniversary meal, and I wanted every dessert in sight! Unfortunately, I had to share the sweets with 4 other people! It's good that I have to share or I'd weigh about 500 pounds.

Quotey-Quote

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds — Albert Einstein

Can you tell I'm deep in e-book world and am too busy to come up with a decent blog post?!

Happy Birthday, Dad

This is my dad, here on the right. Don't you love it when kids guess ages of their grandparents and say stuff like "20" or "100"?? Well, my dad is 59 today and I think he looks great. He recently lost a lot of weight. Ladies, stay away ... he's married.

Oh, and he says stuff like how he's going to send a "twit" from his "spacebook" or "my face" accounts.

If you are a writer or wannabe writer, check out my writing blog, Mother Writer, today for an interview with Christina Katz, author of Get Known Before the Book Deal, Use Your Personal Strengths to Grow an Author Platform & Writer Mama, How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids.

Naming a Boy

I’m telling you this baby is a boy.

On Pokemon there’s a kid named Brock, and I thought of Brach’s candy.

Then I thought I could name my kid Hershey or Nestle.

Lately I really like a name we had picked out for Joel:

Ryan Maxwell.

But we’d call him Max.

My great aunt Eva’s husband and soulmate’s name was Max, so wouldn’t that be so cute to have a little tiny Max and Eva?!

Kids and Sports Part 2: I Salute Sports Parents

You know how people always say to me, “Gee, Kerrie, how do you handle so many kids? Taking care of one wears me out!”?

Well, I am in awe of the people who have 1 or 2 kids and are at a different sporting event or activity every night. How do they do it? How do they remember it all? How do they keep straight where to be when? What if there are scheduling conflicts or one spouse goes out of town and one parent has to be in two places at once? And if they both work during the day or have more than 2 kids, they are like rock star freaks in my book.

I signed Joel up for the Johnson County Parks and Recreation Baseball … a 7-week deal only twice a week for kids entering 1st and 2nd grade. I figured since we homeschool, I could technically call him 2nd grade and get away with it. He’s a pretty good hitter, runner and thrower, so I got over my sports aversion and gave it a shot.

First of all, he doesn’t enjoy it. Of course I’m making him finish the whole thing, but unless he asks to do a sport in the fall, I’m not bringing it up. Some parents make sure their kid picks one activity per season. That parent isn’t me. I’m too cheap and too busy (read: a husband who will be going out of town soon while I’m handling a newborn plus 4 other kids). Joel and Michael will have religious education in the fall plus Cub Scouts, and in my world that’s PLENTY.

You’d think a stay-at-home mom could get her crap together enough to get a GAME SHIRT washed between Tuesday night and Thursday night, but no. And even though 6:30 comes at the same time every baseball practice night, we are always rushing out the door, sandwiches in hand, yelling about did we pack his glove, do we have chairs, do we have enough water, I gotta get my tennis shoes on so Preggie can chase Eva around, and so on.

Activities are stressful. I know they are worth it for lots of kids, and I just hope the kids appreciate the sacrifices on the part of the parents.

Soccer, gymnastics, music, Cub Scouts, 4-H, swimming, football, etc. Moms and Dads: I salute you.

Wisdom from my Husband

Quotes from husband ...

“I like this stroganoff, but the pasta isn’t al dente. It’s more al mushé.”

“Instead of getting a 12-passenger van, let’s just drive my truck around with the boat hooked up to it.” Can you picture a truck with a few kids in it, then me and a few more kids sitting in the fishing boat seats while being driven around on the highway?

Pool Drains

When we were in Branson in June at the Vickery Resort, we couldn’t use their pool. They told my cousin it was because some kid had died (sometime, somewhere) when a pool drain sucked her underwater and wouldn’t let her go, and so they had to replace their pool drain. It was out of commission the entire 4 days we were there.

Sounds like a safe place, right? Very proactive.

WRONG.

I never get to watch morning news shows, but on the 6th I happened to turn on the TV for 5 minutes and caught the Today Show. This pool drain thing was on. Many kids have died from being sucked under. Why now? Why hasn’t this been happening since the beginning of pools?

Turns out a law was passed (only because the granddaughter of a congressman died being sucked underwater by a pool drain … she may have been the one who had her intestines sucked out … not sure).

ALL POOLS (except private backyard pools) were supposed to have replaced their drain covers by the end of 2008. Most pools in the country have not done it yet.

1. Please teach your kids to stay away from pool drains … don’t go diving for a diving stick near one, for God’s sake.

2. Check out every pool you go to or ask the manager. A flat drain is a DEAD giveaway. Some looked curved but are not the new drains.

You bet your butt I called my local pools, and they say they’ve replaced the old drains.

Here’s the problem: there isn’t enough money or enough people to enforce the law. I will totally be a Drain Checker … I’ll start in California and Hawaii. All you have to do is pay my way there. Aron could be the Head Drain Checker for the United States and we could travel all over in our Duggar-like RV that the government would buy us. We’d force pools to close for days and be very unpopular and mean.

The Bro Beater Look

Since Eva doesn't have a wife, this little shirt is her "Bro Beater" or sometimes her "Sis Beater."

Having been in an abusive marriage once upon a time, I hate that a white tank top on a guy is called a Wife Beater. But I also believe you have to have a sense of humor in life.

If not, you get all dark and twisty and negative and mean and hold onto all the crappy moments of your past.

Crooked House

This is the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in Branson. It's a little dark, I know ... but you get the idea hopefully. I told Aron we should build a house that looks like this since it's just cool and different. He said to wait a few years ... our house will look identical to this one if the kids keep tearing it up.

Book Excerpt and Deep Thought

This is from “True Mom Confessions”:

“Stay-at-Home Mom. Familial ideal or feminist betrayal. Discuss.”

Being a Gemini, I can see both sides. Also being a Gemini, I’m obviously doing the work-at-home mom thing (against my poor husband’s wishes) so I can have my kids and eat them, too. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. I have my kids and my writing.

If you stay at home and that’s “all” … good for you.

If you have a career … good for you.

If you HAVE TO work and don’t want to … that sucks. Read my articles about making money without hiring a sitter at eHow.com.

Bath Time

The nurse at my doc's office is a hoot. She has a 10-year-old son who won't take a shower, but he sweats a lot and smells. She told me she thinks I'm a good mom and asked if my kids bathe daily. I laughed! Doesn't going to the pool count as a bath?

You know how you always think of stuff later? I should’ve told her, “Just use the ridicule tactic. Like tell him constantly how much he stinks, and when he sits next to you, move and say P.U. and hold your nose and tell him his friends told you in confidence that they think he smells bad.”

I actually told her to do like when you potty-train and give him an M&M every time he showers. Or give him a penny. Yeah, right.

The Latest Doctor Visit

So I go in for my 6-month doctor visit. I love my doctor deeply, but the 40-minute wait I endure every time is getting old. If I didn’t bring along a couple of kids every time, it would be a mini-vacation, but I always bring the littlest kids because I think it’s cool for them to watch the process and hear the heartbeat.

We also kill time by weighing ourselves and exclaiming, “I’m so fat!” Just kidding on that one! We DO weigh ourselves, but I make sure they know it’s just a number and that they are healthy and beautiful. On that topic, I’ve gained 9 pounds so far, but that’s because I was a tad overweight to begin with and don’t need to gain 60 pounds, so don’t hate me. I don’t care about being svelte or thin … I just want to be able to chase my kids around and not be out of breath and have my back hurting!

SO! High heartrate on the kid (boy!) … or maybe it’s because I had my 2nd glucose tolerance test prior to my appointment and I had to fast for it … the poor kid was hopped up on 10 ounces of glucose. Fasting was torture … since the blood-letting wasn’t until almost noon.

THEN … he whips out my latest sonogram report. Turns out the idiot who read the sonogram results and gets like $500 to do so put on the paper that they COULD NOT FIND A SECOND ARM, but they weren’t sure.

Folks, I’ve been to the Kid Fields four times and am goin’ back in. I’m not easily rattled.

So I go, “Okay. Could be worse. Missing an arm. No big deal. I’ll just go back for another sonogram so we can either find the arm or start ordering teeny-tiny prosthetics for like every few months since they grow so fast.”

My doc … God love him … is annoyed at the people who read the results and says he’s called them and they SAID they say another arm but he told them he wants it in writing. I gather up my girls and check out.

On my way out, the nurse catches me and says she called the sono place and they TOLD her that Samwich indeed has another arm. YIPPEE!

Another crisis averted. The relief sent me to Burger King for a Whopper Jr.