More Kid (and Adult) Funnies

5. Me to Aron: “I need to put your shirts away since they’ve been sitting in the laundry basket for 4 days and they’re all wrinkly.”
Aron: “Just the way I like ‘em.”
Me: “They probably call you The Wrinkled Guy at work. And not because you’re 42, either.”

6. Joel has been using the word “perhaps” a lot lately. Good thing we homeschool because that’d get his ass kicked in the schoolyard.

7. Joel, in an extremely excited state, “Mommy, I picked up my poop! It was gross! It looked like DEER poop!” Disturbing. And what have I been feeding him?

8. Michael, as Dobby from Harry Potter, “I is not finding it, Sir.”

9. Eva: "Duppie" -- which means "up", "down", "I want that thing up there" or "gimme that"

If you get these posts via e-mail, come to the blog sometime to hear some decent music.

More Kid Funnies

1. Callie: “I’m coloring a picture about Daddy yelling at me.”

2. Callie: “Do you know what’s in my tummy? Junk is in my tummy.”
Mommy: “I have junk in my trunk. Is it kinda the same?”
Callie: “Yeah.”

3. Callie, going through her closet and handing me clothes: “Mommy, this will perhaps be Eva’s.”

4. Michael: “I peed in a bowl and dumped it on Joel’s head.” Not really. I hope.

Happy Birthday to my cousin Derek, who is a rock star, painter and writer. He’s in a band called Boo and Boo 2 … check them out! He's the blond one.

My New Crock Pot

Yes, I’m the kind of woman who asks for a Crock Pot for her birthday instead of diamonds or clothes or a trip to the spa. Do you know why?

Because a Crock Pot is the ultimate in laid-back cooking (shameless plug for my laid-back parenting e-book, only 2 bucks, see left side of blog). And I don’t love to cook. But I’m cheap and don’t love to order out, either.

I throw in some pork chops with cream of chicken soup, some green beans and some potatoes and turn the thing on. I can leave the house. I can do whatever I want all day long (picture me soaking in a bubble bath all day long … yeah, right).

Then dinner’s ready by 6 whether or not the baby has been sleeping on me for the last 2 hours or whether we’ve been at the pool or homeschooling later in the day.

This is so domestic of me, but I’m asking for your favorite Crock Pot recipe. Share it in the Comments or send me an email at mommykerrie@yahoo.com.

Recycling Difficulties

If recycling is so cool right now and we’re all so concerned about the planet, why is it so hard to recycle?

For instance, why are food manufacturers using plastics other than numbers 1 or 2? My city won’t recycle anything other than those 2 numbers, so I’m always either reusing or throwing away the higher numbers of plastics.

Where the heck do you recycle phone books?

Why does it often cost money to recycle our computer monitors? And people throw away perfectly fine “hard drives” from their computers because they’re worried about security when all they have to do is remove the old hard drive with all the information and donate the rest.

Why does the EPA say it’s okay for individuals to pitch lead-containing computer monitors, etc. but companies and school districts throwing away, say, 20 monitors can get in big trouble?

And why are we still using Styrofoam if it doesn’t recycle at all?

When we do a lemonade stand, I figure the lesser of the evils is to use paper cups. When I had to take plates on our family vacation for everyone, I got uncoated paper ones.

Is it just because I’m in the Midwest that things are so backwards? Does your city recycle the higher numbers of plastics?

Swimming Pool Rules and Stuff

Update January 25, 2018 I OWN MY OWN SWIMMING POOL IN MY BACKYARD! I call the shots and kids can run and babies can be NAKED. Bam, and thank you, God, for my own swimming pool in a town called, fittingly for my family, Peculiar, Missouri!

Why does a baby need to wear a swimming suit on OVER a swim diaper? Their private parts are all covered, plus the disposable swim diapers are so pretty these days.

Why do lifeguards yell “Don’t RUN” (instead of doing something IMPORTANT like watching a kid drowning in front of them)? They don’t have to clean up the blood from a scrape; the parent does, so why does the lifeguard care?

Whenever I see a kid push my kid down the kiddie slide at the pool, I have to fight the urge to go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle on the kid. You know the scene, the one where the nanny goes up to the bully and basically says, “Don’t mess with my kid.” (except she doesn't say MESS ... she says a much, much better word). Instead, I usually put on my best June Cleaver voice and tell the kid, “Don’t push, please.” Or I whisper to the kid something like, “Kid, I’m just a little bit crazy and I just saw you push my kid, so watch out.” In the same June Cleaver voice, of course.

Why is Adult Swim or Safety Check 10 whole minutes long? Does it really take that long to check for dead bodies on the bottom of the pool?

Why do so many stupid parents assume lifeguards are babysitters when they are barely even lifeguards?

Healthy Eating & Happy Birthday to Joel

I love eating healthy.

I love fried okra.

I enjoy creamed corn.

Cherry pie.

Fruit smoothies.

Wheat bread piled high with cold cuts and mayo.

Water with Koolaid mix and sugar in it.

Any other suggestions before I go in for my open heart surgery?

AND … Happy 8th Birthday to my firstborn child, Joel!!!!!! Here’s a picture of him at baseball practice recently. He’s super cute, huh?!

Celebrity Apprentice

I love messing with kids.

The kids always want to play something, like Pokemon or Barbie or some other imaginative thing. That’s why it’s very important for me to watch their cartoons … so I know how to play along.

Anyway, they always get to play what they want, so lately I’ve been telling them television shows that I want to play.

Celebrity Apprentice is a favorite. I give them tasks to perform so they don’t get fired.

I also like to play The Real Housewives of New York City with Callie. She’s Kelly and I’m Bethenney and we argue about how fabulous we are.

Cloth Swim Diapers are the Bomb

If you have little kids or grandkids, don’t forget the cost of Little Swimmers disposable swim diapers versus buying a cloth one at Target or somewhere similar.

If one little kid swims almost every day, you’ll save well over $40 over the course of the summer, plus you’ll be savings all kinds of landfill space.

I was all set to buy the Little Swimmers when we realized we need to hunker down and save for the McVan. When I realized Eva’s cloth swim diaper from LAST YEAR still fit, I did the Preggie Happy Dance. Not only was I saving money from TWO summers of a cloth swim diaper, but I also didn’t need to buy her a new swimsuit (at our pools, even with a Little Swimmers on, the kid has to wear a swimsuit bottom). I just put a bikini top on her and was good to go.

Consider asking for a cloth swim diaper as a gift, depending on when your kid’s birthday falls!

And don’t forget I’m not Mrs. Perfect Green Mom …. When we go on vacation, I’m all about the convenience of disposable diapers. I don’t think the hotel guests and staff would like me washing my cloth diapers in their machines, do you?

Who else thinks those Little Swimmers disposable swim diapers are a rip-off? They are close to $1 each. We are usually in a pool up to 50 times each summer, which translates into a lotta cash. Multiply that by 4 and you are visiting me in the Poor House, my friend.

Just last week some kid’s poop seeped out of her disposable swim diaper into the baby pool and they had to shut down BOTH pools for ½ hour. My kid’s thighs are so chunky that her cloth swim diaper fits her like a glove and ain’t no poop gonna be gettin’ outta that thing.

Instead, this summer my mom got Eva a cute cloth swim diaper at Target for around $5. It even has a matching hat (which we also got) and bikini top (which we did not … she either goes hussy topless or we find her a bikini top from our stash).

This way, we’re saving money AND landfill space (two of my favorite things to do).

And yes, I do expect my Green Mother of the Year Award to arrive in the mail any day now.

Still to come ... blogisodes about regular and night cloth diapering

Johnson County Library Mistake

So I did that post about Johnson County Parks and Recreation and their nasty, unrecyclable, nonworking Frisbee handout.

Today my 6-year-old noticed a problem with the Johnson County Library’s Summer Reading Club book log. He’s supposed to color in one picture for each book that he reads or that is read to him. So he counts them and notices the count is off. The first 10 and then 20 are fine. But where it says “30 books! Way to go” … it’s really only been 29 pictures and 29 books. This annoys my literal son Michael.

This also happens when you are supposed to have hit 60 books read … which really is only 58 pictures colored. Way to screw up a kid!

I don’t know who to point this out to, so I’m hoping they search for themselves and find this post. If that fails, I have a friend who reads my blog who works at the library and SHE can point it out (thanks in advance, Kelly!).

I’m cracking up because the form says, “Be a reading star!” But it says nothing about being a math star!!!

My Birthday

My birthday rocked yesterday. I babysat for money for the McVan, heard from most everyone I love, did the Meals on Wheels route with a full van of 6 kids, told the coffee boys at Scooter’s to make my mocha espresso smoothie EXTRA FAT and got a little sunburn at the pool. I also got a crockpot I wanted and a French silk pie. And had tacos for dinner. And slept very well despite having 3 extra boys sleeping over in my family room for me to worry over.

And I got to hear “The Year of the Cat” on the radio … I dig that song, even though the guy has a freaky voice. Yeah, I know I'm a child of the 70s for sure.

Gotta go get ready for Joel’s 8th birthday party now … catch you tomorrow.

By the way, don't freak out that there's music on the blog now ... just mute it if you don't like it ... or go to the bottom of the screen to the Playlist and pick a different song!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

I was born in Germany 38 years ago today and am taking the day off! Well, off from blogging, anyway. The plans for today are to "babysit" a couple of boys (ages 8 and 10), do our Meals on Wheels route, probably hit the pool, and get ready for Joel to have HIS birthday sleepover tonight with some friends. And clean the house for the party tomorrow.

Better take my Geritol ... haha!

Thanks for putting up with me all these years, Ma and Pa.

Samwiches

So Michael has named this in-utero baby Samwich (not Sandwich).

And guess what? For the last few weeks I don’t care about Mexican food anymore.

Lately I have to have really good, fresh bread with cold cuts, cheese and mayo. Even for breakfast, because nothing else sounds good.

I have to have Subway with lots of lettuce and banana peppers.

I discovered Jimmy John’s in Hays, Kansas (ah, the Beach Club #12).

I dig a good, thin hamburger (Steak and Shake) with tons of tomato and lettuce and pickle.

And it doesn’t count as a sandwich, but I can’t get enough of McDonald’s crispy Ranch snack wrap.

Maybe this baby will someday own a place called “Samwich’s Sandwiches.”

And will create a famous sandwich called "The Tiebreaker."

Decluttering Kid Stuff

We went to see my husband’s identical twin brother and his wife and 3 kids recently. They live 4 hours away, so we make it a weekend and stay at a hotel with a pool so we don’t get all up in their space and intrude upon their lives with all our special needs and little kids.

After a tour of the gorgeous remodeling they’ve done, something hits me. It’s the ABSENCE of toys. Their house isn’t all junked up with toys. Even the kids’ rooms don’t have a million toys and stuffed animals in them. The basement has one of those multi-bin set-ups, but it’s not nearly as brimming over as ours is.

I think of all the time they and the kids must save in picking up toys and of all the creative things the kids do instead of digging through tons of toys. I mean, my kids are pretty imaginative and play outside a lot, but that just makes me notice even more how many of their toys are rarely touched.

Some toys I’m nostalgic about or worry they’ll miss if I get rid of them. But I have to suck it up and JUST DO IT anyway or the toys will take over the house. Sure, I have a bunch of little kids and we homeschool, which means we’re home all day, but that doesn’t mean we have to have SO MANY toys to pick up all the time.

And they DON’T get picked up all the time. I get lazy about it and just let their rooms turn into messy pits when if I got rid of a bunch of stuff, their rooms would be easier to pick up for them AND for their little friends who come over and help make messes.

The leather ottoman I got for the living room was genius. “Kids and Friends of My Kids, throw all the toys in the ottoman.” When it overflows, toys either go downstairs to the bin set-up or upstairs to their rooms. When THOSE overflow, it’s time for some purging.

Purging pre-birthdays and pre-Christmas is a good idea, also.

So when I pick up that Littlest Pet Shop igloo they never play with (it goes with the huskies), I need to get over the guilt or the nostalgia and just put it in a giveaway pile for some kid who may stumble upon it at a thrift store and freak out with excitement.

I have to work on teaching my kids about STUFF being only material, well, STUFF.

Michael Always Cracks Me Up

I kept promising Michael he could have a pet for his 6th birthday since Joel got a hamster for his. Michael had a grow-a-frog last summer, but it died pretty fast.

So we went to our favorite pet store in Belton, Missouri called Sherri’s Pet Emporium and purchased a Betta fish named Feeadore. Not THEA-dore. FEE-A-DORE.

The other day Michael told me he was hungry and goes, “What do I eat for hungry?”

Here is his phonetic sea creature picture. For those of you who don’t read the language of Michael, the top right one is a peanut butter and jelly fish. Jelly is spelled “J.E.” because that’s basically how Aron always jokingly says it. The one on the left is a SGWID.



I think we need to stop saying “roast beast” and “pizgetti.”

Glucose Tolerance Tests

Is there anything better when you’re pregnant than swigging 10 ounces of pure sugar so you can go get your blood taken in an hour?

When I was pregnant with Joel (#1), I had to do that. The result was borderline for gestational diabetes, so I had to go back. The 2nd time I had to fast overnight, then go get my blood taken, drink a mound of sugar in the morning, then have my blood taken every hour for a couple more hours. Man, the headache I got! I wanted some FOOD! My vision was all screwy because I was all sugared up and apparently borderline diabetic.

My result was very iffy (according to the nurses AND the insurance company), but still my ultra-careful doc put me on the diabetes track. I went to a dietician to learn how to eat like a diabetic. I learned how to take my blood 4 times a day. I went to non-stress tests twice a week. I only gained 24 pounds with that pregnancy, and Joel was only 7 pounds, 10 ounces. Oh, and I had THREE sonograms. I was an insurance company’s nightmare!

That was with Baby #1, when I had all the time in the world and taking time off work was a treat. Now if my result is borderline, forget all that other crap! I’ll just promise the doc I’ll eat well and we’ll call it good. And I WILL eat well because I don’t need to be squeezing a 12-pound baby out of myself.

Anybody have a fun diabetes or gestational diabetes or preeclampsia story out there? Come on, Cathy, I know YOU have a good story!

Ah, Johnson County, Kansas

I love contradictions. And if I can see one in my brain-challenged pregnant state, then it must be pretty blatant.

Recently our library held a Science Night (thanks for letting us know, Eva!). One of the stations was Johnson County Park and Recreation District, and they handed out their activities guide, a trail map, etc. in a plastic bag.

They also gave out a black Frisbee that said “Reduce Reuse Recycle” on it.

Here’s the problem: the Frisbee is a piece of crap. It’s cheap plastic and all bent and doesn’t even work. Last time I checked, Johnson County was one of the 25 richest counties and home to the 4th richest city in America (referred to the OC of the Midwest). They can't afford a decent Frisbee?

AND it doesn’t have a recycling number on it, so how the hell am I supposed to RECYCLE it?

If it was a quality Frisbee, I could certainly REUSE it over and over for many years. I guess I could use it as a plate, but God only knows how many kinds of cancer I could get eating off that freaky plastic.

I think they need to REDUCE their staff by one moron who made this business decision.

All They Need is a Pile of Dirt

Jeez, you buy them toys and books and give them cartoons and all they need is a pile of dirt across the street.

These were taken about 2 years ago when the school was doing some project involving mounds of dirt in the summertime. Can you tell I'm still missing my digital camera because I'm going back 2 years and pulling photos?!

Give a Girl a Hot Glue Gun …

… and she can glue a hundred million (feels like it, anyway) popsicle stick picture frames, complete with yarn hanger.

I’m a little Craft Challenged. Years ago, I finally realized I couldn’t write fiction to save my life. I’m not creative in that way. I’m also not really creative craft-wise. I know what you’re thinking, “How the hell does she homeschool without being able to do a craft every now and then?”

Well, I outsource them usually. Vacation Bible School. Homeschool boy’s groups and art classes.

But this time I couldn’t fake it. I had to make a craft. Thankfully, Jill came up with the idea. I just had to figure out the implementation.

Preggie Pic Week 21

Yes, folks, I'm over halfway through this baby-growin' fest. Went to the doctor today, and all is well, even at my "advanced maternal age". Thanks for all of your prayers and good thoughts! This photo is rare because I got Michael to pose with me!

Appreciation for My MIL

You know you have a blessed relationship with your mother-in-law when …

You are being goofy and she asks you what you’re on. You tell her “powdered donuts.”

She tells you she’s going to bed at 9:00 tonight, you tell her you’ll show up to say hi around 9:01, and she laughs instead of getting mad.

You tell her you can’t possibly can’t take her [insert nice piece of jewelry here] when she dies and she says, “Hey, we’re all in this [family thing] together.”

You went by the name “Katie” for 3 years during junior high, and now your MIL is named Katie. Weird.

Kids Writing Thank You Notes

This is a thank you note from Joel to my grandparents for some money for his First Communion. I had to post it because it's so sweet. Oh, and my grandparents live next to some horses, so he drew them a horse.

Pigs Eat Sausage

This is from almost 2 years ago of Callie feeding her pig some sausage.

Tax Deduction

Dang it, dang it, dang it. Sorry this is sideways but I have no photo software where I am to flip it. So get your daily workout cocking your head.

This is Eva. This onesie is sick. It is wrong. It is sold at Target.

Neighbors

Some neighbors (I’ll call them the M’s) watched Michael’s fish while we went to Hays in May. When we went over to get it back, the guy told us about a big fight his ex-wife had in his front yard with his son while we were gone.

He said one of our other neighbors (Mommy B) yelled over the fence at them something like, “Do you mind? We’re trying to have a nice family dinner here.” Daddy M said his wife told him, “We may as well start packing to move right now.”

I told Daddy M, “Are you kidding me? No way! This is good stuff. I’m sorry I missed it. I would’ve been yelling at you to SPEAK UP!” Aron said I would’ve been in the yard with a Coke and binoculars.

I love that crap because, really, who doesn’t fight? I worry about you if you can’t have a passionate disagreement with someone you love. So instead of getting all High and Mighty next time you see something going down, just pull up a chair and turn up your hearing aid. You might learn something.