Thursday, June 25, 2009

Swimming Pool Rules and Stuff

Update January 25, 2018 I OWN MY OWN SWIMMING POOL IN MY BACKYARD! I call the shots and kids can run and babies can be NAKED. Bam, and thank you, God, for my own swimming pool in a town called, fittingly for my family, Peculiar, Missouri!

Why does a baby need to wear a swimming suit on OVER a swim diaper? Their private parts are all covered, plus the disposable swim diapers are so pretty these days.

Why do lifeguards yell “Don’t RUN” (instead of doing something IMPORTANT like watching a kid drowning in front of them)? They don’t have to clean up the blood from a scrape; the parent does, so why does the lifeguard care?

Whenever I see a kid push my kid down the kiddie slide at the pool, I have to fight the urge to go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle on the kid. You know the scene, the one where the nanny goes up to the bully and basically says, “Don’t mess with my kid.” (except she doesn't say MESS ... she says a much, much better word). Instead, I usually put on my best June Cleaver voice and tell the kid, “Don’t push, please.” Or I whisper to the kid something like, “Kid, I’m just a little bit crazy and I just saw you push my kid, so watch out.” In the same June Cleaver voice, of course.

Why is Adult Swim or Safety Check 10 whole minutes long? Does it really take that long to check for dead bodies on the bottom of the pool?

Why do so many stupid parents assume lifeguards are babysitters when they are barely even lifeguards?