Candy Does Make You Grow! + Eva's First Playdate

Eva: "Candy doesn't make me grow."

 I think her dad told her this.

But he is wrong.

Candy DOES make you grow. Sideways.

Yesterday Eva had her first playdate without me. I left her at my friend Andrea's house to play with HER daughter, also named Eva. We call them The Evas. We have another friend with an Eva, and it gets funny. So we took one of Andrea's kids home and Eva wanted to stay there.

A couple of hours later Andrea calls me and I hear Eva crying. She won't get in their van to come home to me. Does she think they are going to steal her and drive to California with her or something? So I threw everyone in the van and went over to get here, where I stayed and hung out for an hour and they kept on doing what they do best = playing. It was her first playdate without me! It felt strange at home without her.

Yesterday we also had Bible Study, a park date and Pokemon Club. Whew. Now I need a nap and I'm posting this at 8:30 a.m.

Catch you later!

Leaning Tower of Dishes

It doesn't take long in our house to accumulate a lot of dirty dishes. Lately we sometimes run the dishwasher twice a day! The oldest 3 kids are awesome and empty it for us for chore points (a quarter a point). I'm wondering if paper plates might be cheaper than paying them ... then we can just throw them in our compost heap! One day when we were behind (Aron was probably out of town), Michael made this amazing Leaning Tower of Dishes.

I'm Going to the SuperBowl (Party)!!!!

It is a brave person who invites our family of seven into their home. My own parents will barely even do it anymore!!!! We are loud, messy, crazy and frightening. I yell when I don't even realize I am yelling. I figure it out when I see people staring at me, then I sheepishly tell them I am sorry, and I will now use my INSIDE VOICE.
Anyway ...

We got invited to a SuperBowl Party at someone's house. This is not just ANYONE's house, this is the house of a new pal, who is the pal of my super-cool accountant neighbor chick. This new pal pretty much runs the school across the street from me. Okay, not REALLY. But you know the one: the one who coordinates all the volunteers, runs the parties and the carnival and God knows what else. The one with the husband and the two adorable kids and the job. That one who can do everything (kinda like accountant neighbor chick!)?! Oh, and they do it looking good, too. I can barely get out of my sweats and attempt to suck in my muffin top these days while they are at Boot Camp.

So I have to step it up here. I've already instructed the kids NOT to pick their noses in front of anyone and CERTAINLY don't wipe it anywhere but on a Kleenex. I'm giving my kids a bad wrap here ... they are mostly wonderful. Well, the oldest three. Eva and Sam are only 4 and 2 so they need a little nudge in learning the ways of high society (cover your mouth when you couch, don't take a bite of food then put it back on the tray, boogers go in tissues, that sort of thing).

Now, what to bring? I picked up a football-shaped tray of snack mix from Aldi. Hmmm. No, not good enough. Oh, I know! I'll make this:

If you want to be cool and copy me, here's the recipe. Even a kitchentard like me can do it! (by the way, my mom and I decided we can call things "tard" because her sister is mentally retarded. so our reasoning is her sister is MENTALLY retarded and can't help that and I am like CLEANING and KITCHEN retarded and can't help it. get it? oh, and other people are SOCIALLY retarded and can't help that so I'm trying to be more accepting as I hope they will be accepting of me.)

Errands With 5 Kids ... It Can Be Done

I have to get this post typed because the notes for it are written on a nasty cardboard coffee cup and I need to throw it away.

Allow me to set the scene for you:

It's a weekday. Aron is out of town. I have errands that have been piling up, things I don't HAVE TO DO or people might die but things I would LIKE TO GET DONE for peace of mind.

First we had to the mall. Yes, the big, nice, snooty mall. I have to go to Lenscrafters to order new sunglasses since mine got damaged when I fell on my face back in August at the pool. (yes, I know many people who DON'T like me read this blog, so that one was for you ... laugh away!) So we park by Nordstrom and go in the covert way. We pass the luxury cars, which of course the kids want to touch. It's like 2 in the afternoon and Lenscrafters is CRAWLING with people. HUH?

So I take a deep breath and talk myself into waiting while trying to contain 5 energetic kids. It's not the 1950s, people, and you can't discipline your kids in public without going to jail. Remember how society has cut off our parenting nuts next time you see kids running wild somewhere with a parent only whining, "Stop, Jimmy, stoooooooop it."

It's finally our turn and ...

Tip #1: Be extra nice to the clerks. If you kill them with kindness and humor about the situation, you cut off their snarky looks and comments! To diffuse snarky young men, I simply brightly say, "Sex makes babies, it is true! I finally figured it out."

So we get out of there unscathed. But somebody has to pee, so we tromp through Nordstrom and up two flights of escalator to the family bathroom. (on the way we see someone we know, a super-nice, super-cool woman and I pray my kids don't do something totally hillbilly in front of her!) We emerge about 3 days later because everyone had to pee or poop.

By this time I need a freaking treat. I hit the shi-shi Nordstrom coffeeshop and pay one million dollars for a coffee and 5 cookies. While I wait, I chase down two kids while the other three are in Bath and Body Works hanging around.

We walk out the doors into freedom and the kids want to climb these parking lot stairs. I say okay, and being as how I'm 40 now and out of shape, I'm the last one up. In the meantime, a parking lot cop has confronted my oldest son about where his parents are, etc. I vow to get in shape so I can beat my kids to the top next time.

I'm all geared up to head to CVS next. After all, I NEED that deal on L'Oreal Youth Code. I can feel my neck wrinkling by the day and I have to have it before I am wearing scarves all year long. The girls want to look at the makeup, so I leave them with Joel one aisle over to do that. Michael and Sam come with me to find the Fountain of Youth. A nice young man has to help me find it, because he's stocking it. I ask him if it works. He just laughs at me. I tell him sex makes babies.

By this time the girls are somewhere else looking at videos and I decide I will have to put them all on leashes or get them the microchip.

Did I mention earlier in the day we had grocery shopping to do? Did I mention this is the life I always dreamed of and that I would not trade it for anything in the world? My worst, hardest day as a mom is better than my best day when I was working at a "real" J.O.B. I'm not a good worker-bee (I get bored too easily).

Snooping: Yes or No?

I have a couple of snooping stories from my past, then I'd love for you to weigh in.

Snooping Story #1: I come home one night and my roommate has been digging through my file cabinet and reading my personal journal pages and email printouts. She is ballistic. I'm trying to figure out what I could have written that would have her panties in such a bunch. Then she tells me she's freaking out because I wrote mean things about this mutual frenemy of ours, this chick who in the past had gone after both of our men. She says if I don't tell this chick what I wrote, SHE WILL. I was a bit of a doormat back then and was a tad frightened of this roomie gone wild, so I think I ended up apologizing to everyone involved but didn't feel right about it. I just wanted to keep the peace. Another friend of ours told me I was crazy for doing that and that I should have told Roomie to bug off for snooping. I got a locked file cabinet after that and continued to write what I wanted.

Snooping Story #2: It's the day I got fired from my PR secretary job with no reason given and no notice. In my downtime I had kept a journal on the computer (probably illegal or company property, right?), and in my scramble to get out of there, I had printed off some pages to take with me. Guess what? I left them in the printer! They were about my fellow secretary and how I knew she could get a better job instead of being a lackey for our boss. (she's now the president of a company, so I was RIGHT!). Apparently she read them and put them in a box of stuff to get back to me and hasn't spoken to me since and won't tell me why she's upset, so I can only imagine it's because of what I wrote.

We have probably all snooped, right? It's just that most of us have the sense to act like WE DID NOT! If asked, I will fess up. But otherwise, I don't do anything with the new knowledge BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT!

I know we should be positive and happy and light and try not to trash others. But sometimes when life is sucking, I turn to my journal to reveal my deepest annoyances and don't use my big-girl words. Sometimes I've gone back after a year and deleted petty stuff. The bigger stuff I keep in there to remind me not to let it happen again. I have journals going back 30 years ... and I'm keeping them. My kids can burn them or read them or whatever. They will see me writing petty crap and sex crap and all kinds of things they don't want to know. Tell me why I keep this stuff again? Oh, yeah, because it's who I AM, it shows the evolution of ME. Sue me, I'm a writer, always have been. I own it.

Got any snooping stories or opinions? And what's the difference between putting words out into the Universe about others that are crappy versus writing them down?

Beware of the Sperm!

I tore this out of a parenting magazine last year. It was really appropriate for what we're going through right now. Every month my poor wittle egg is scared of sperm coming at it. Some come with flowers, some with boxes of chocolate, some with little briefcases, some without a job, some with hats on even! Yes, I'm a good wittle Catholic girl who uses NFP (natural family planning), and it has worked for almost 14 years to either avoid or achieve pregnancy when we want. I'm not saying it doesn't STINK sometimes when we are in avoidance mode, but we get by somehow. Having a strong marriage helps out. Oh, and all those other kids to distract us ... and REMIND us of why we aren't quite ready for another yet! They are amazing, and as they grow they need us even MORE ... I want to make sure I'm emotionally and otherwise available to them. Be sure that when we get pregnant again (if!), it's because we are good and ready! Until then, my egg with the bow on it's head will be all freaked out.

The Legalization of Cannabis, Pot, Marijuana, MaryJane

Here's a lovely post for a Sunday morning. Totally appropriate.

So a friend of mine who has never smoked pot before asked me if I ever had and would I ever? I said I think I tried it once when I was 17 but it didn't "take". Knowing me, I didn't do it right most likely. Or else I was around so much of it growing up that I'm immune!!!!!!

Sidenote to this rambling post: I'm not trying to throw my parents under the bus here. I'm not giving details, if you will notice. I am saying to always keep in mind that when you do something, you are part of your kids' story now, good or bad or indifferent. Sure, someday I might write a memoir just for fun and there will be things in there about my childhood that were not rosy. BUT 99% of my childhood rocked, and I know MANY people can't say that. That being said, I realize that I have FIVE little people who might someday talk smack about my parenting skills or even write about me. Might? Who are we kidding? They will. And I get it.

So I said to my friend when she asked if I would ever do it ... well, I kindof yelled at her, I think. I go:

"Is it legal? Then NO, dummy! If you have kids and a life and you do something illegal you are STUPID and SELFISH." My poor friend won't let me live it down that I have called her stupid in advance. I'm just saying that my kids and my husband mean TOO MUCH to me to be doing something like that, something I could go to jail for.

There are people I know who think that I think that I am the most amazing mother ever and they are just waiting to take me down. I do NOT think I am the most amazing mother ever. And I will NOT be doing pot. I rarely, rarely drink. I don't smoke. OK, maybe I speed sometimes in the mommyvan when we're late to a kid activity, but I probably won't go to jail or lose my kids over that. Until pot is legal, I ain't doin' it. I ain't supportin' it. If you whip out a joint in front of me, I'm outta here. PLUS, I think it kills brain cells, and my kids have already taken enough of mine. I can't afford to lose the 2 I have left!

AND, all I need is for something to happen to one of my kids and I drive them to the ER and I'm asked what happened, and I'm like, "Uh, well, I don't really know, dude, you see, cuz, like, uh, I'm totally baked off my butt, hee hee he eeee, got any munchies?" There's a reason they call it BAKED: you are frying your brain, dummy! Well, maybe. Jury's out on that one because I know people who have done a LOT of pot and they are totally smart and with-it.

Another friend of mine is active in the campaign to legalize cannabis. Cool. Why not? Porn is legal and it's tearing apart marriages daily. Alcohol is legal and we have drunks all over the place wrecking cars and lives. Cigarettes are legal and people are still giving themselves and their children lung cancer and lowering their immune systems. Prescription meds are legal and people are checking out every day on those. The world is a freaking mess. I'll stick with my chocolate and coffee, thanks very much, morons!

Discuss amongst yourselves and in the comments section of my bloggy. Have fun, potheads!

Positive Thinking, Deflecting Crap

One day I got sick of being negative in my mind about some people who have been actively trying to be detrimental to my family's life. Sorry for the big crazy words, but I have to be careful what I say here and how I phrase it.

So I decided to write some words on our deck that everyone could see. Isn't living well the best revenge? And we are truly living well, we are happy, we have a good marriage, we have health and a great family and everything we need. We need to be grateful.

Later I added PRAY and LEARN. We live on a busy corner and it's my hope that people walking or driving by can see my inspirational words. Being mean and negative back to someone is what they want. They want you to wallow with them. Don't do it! What words would you add to my deck or write on your own?

14 Valentine's Day Traditions in The Village Family

Valentine's Day is coming up soon, so please head to The Village Family and check out my latest offering: 14 Valentine's Day Traditions!

Freaky Friday: Play That Funky Music, White Kids

Aron got these wigs for my 1970s themed  birthday party last summer. Since then we've had lots of fun with them. The littles (the two youngest kids of my five) especially are super cute in them with their little 'fros. What's funny is that Samuel kinda looks like his cousin RaShaun when RaShaun grows out his 'fro. (For those of you who are a little slow [or new to The Kerrie Show], my hubs Aron's sister is adopted from Korea and has half-black kids who are the most gorgous kids you might ever see.) Speaking of half-black gorgeous people, our Jordan has gone BLONDE! Photos to come.

Hand-me-Downs From My Ex's Ex

In what world do you take hand-me-down girl clothes from your ex's ex? Well, in MY crazy, mixed-up world.

Why not? The clothes are awesome. My girls love hand-me-downs (free!). They get brand new clothes for birthdays and Christmases sometimes, and they love those. But they are SO happy when they get a bag of girl clothes from someone. And my budget is thrilled.

This is one of those Wonders of Facebook. You've heard of it being used for evil ... connecting with past loves when you are still married, contacting people you hate and being mean on their wall, using the instant message feature to try to get people to talk smack about other people.

Then there are the good things, which I have experienced many of. Meeting my ex-husband's second wife is one of the good things. She is cool, she is sweet. I like her. She has a son the same age as Callie, and we're going to hook up at a fast-food germ joint sometime to let the kids play.

Then there's that thing where we've been through some of the same crazy crap. It's like we're war survivors or something, to put it in an overly dramatic way. Stay tuned ...

Muffins, Mexican Oatmeal & TT Casserole ... All in a Day's Work

Recently I got all industrious and decided to take half a day to get some meals in the freezer for those nights when we're busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

I got out the blueberries we picked over the summer and made some muffins (the trick is to sneak in some wheat germ to make them super healthy!)

Then I threw a bunch of chicken boobs in the crockpot for the morning. When they were done, they left me with a great broth for my Mexican Oatmeal. I named it this because I always cook the crap out of the rice, making it resemble oatmeal. It's basically chicken, rice, broth, beans, corn, tomatoes and taco seasoning. Top with sour cream, cheese and avocado. This time I did a huge batch in the crockpot so I could freeze some. I'm actually having some for lunch right now and I'm thinking it should be called Mexican Vomit instead. But it tastes good!

Finally, I used the rest of the chicken to make two chicken tater tot casseroles to freeze. I wanted to show you this obnoxious pan because the lid is like 10 feet high, making it impossible to stack these in my commercial freezer. Tune in tomorrow to see what else I got done that day, and it was not more cooking!

Sam's Man Bag(s) (a.k.a. Murses)

Although Sam's dad might not approve of the following photos, I am a firm believer in having photos of my kids that will be fun for their future spouse to see. Hey, guys gotta carry stuff around, too! I see man purse (murse) modeling in his future!

My THREE New Best Friends

I was running out of my current skincare stuff (Aldi face cream and some Roc knockoff from CVS), so it was time to hit the drugstore for some serious stuff. I headed (with 5 kids, picture it) to the CVS armed with my little ad. I was hunting for L'Oreal's Youth Code Starter Kit.

I don't really care what I use. I went to L'ancome's site because they give out tons of MyPoints with a purchase, but that's because a freaking face lotion is over A HUNDRED BONES. Forget that.

Anyway, the Youth Code stuff was on sale AND was going to fetch me 10 Extra Care bucks, so I was all over that deal. Now I can go back to CVS for the humongo bottle of Ibuprofen and B-12 and save 10 bucks on that purchase! Okay, so the kit was 30 bones, and it's just the STARTER KIT. As I told the poor young guy stocking the aisle who pointed me to the product, "This is like the pusher set. L'Oreal gets you started on this stuff and then you are HOOKED and are spending 30 bones every month with ZERO Extra Care bucks. As my dad would say, 'That's how they get ya.'" (Like my use of quotes? Learned that in Life as Fred Math book #2.)

So I call my new best friends Day, Night and Eye. They all share a last name: Cream. They claim they will tackle the signs of fatigue and stress on my face.

How about signs of ANGER and WORRY, like those freaking parentheses between my eyebrows that these days make me look mad even when I'm happy? You could give me a million bucks right now and I could be grinning and STILL look pissed.

I have applied the stuff liberally over face and neck and if I don't wake up looking like a four-year-old tomorrow, I will be truly pissed! I know Crisco would be cheaper, but it doesn't smell as good.

Someday I'll Be a Cat Woman

So yesterday I broke the news that we'll be getting a dog. Well, Aron's actual stipulation was this: "If Mommy isn't pregnant before Sam turns 3, we'll get a dog."

So, sure, sometimes I feel those baby stirrings when I'm around teeny ones. Then I realize I still have a 27-month-old on my boob who would most likely be THAT KID who tries to put his new baby sibling in the trash when my back is turned. So, no plans for now. Stay tuned, though. I'm pretty sure my mom will disown me if I have another, but she'll live.

Growing up we had the typical dogs and cats. I remember one dog kept jumping the fence. One dog kept digging under it. Then there was the night we went to pick up the Persian cat named Marco (Polo!) so he could breed with Pav (piss and vinegar). It was like watching a double-decker bus walk around the living room, and it was weird for me as a 9-year-old to see that crap! Then they had babies, which we sold.


Later, after I was almost 19 and just had a miscarriage, my boyfriend at the time got me a kitten to make me feel better. Then there was another to keep the first company. Then they had babies, and I had cats sleeping all around my head every night, kneading my hair. This is why family bed is so easy for me now!

Anyway, one of the babies would not eat. We had no money but raced to the animal hospital in the middle of the night to buy a teeny bottle and formula, and I tried to keep the kitten alive. It didn't work, and she died, and we buried her in the back yard. I think we got a freaking Chow dog after that. Big mistake.

What's my point? That I'm not exactly excited about getting an animal because I already have 5 of them (just kidding!). I'm just hoping I have the energy to clean up after a sixth little person ... poop, pee, puke, hair, chewed up shoes, doctor visits, baths. The kids will, of course, pick up a ton of the slack there. I want it to sleep in our bed, but Aron already says no. Meanie.

So what kind of dog should we get? I don't like shedding but like some fur. Nothing yappy. We borrowed a shih tzu (I like that it has a cuss word in it's breed) and it rocked. Nothing too big or too small. Something calmish for Michael (remember, his speed of animal is turtle or crab, NOT hyper dog).

New McLoughlin Addition in October

So all my kids have been born in odd years (2001 up to 2009) and in even months (backwards, starting with June back to October). So we're clearly behind schedule for our newest planned addition to the family, which technically should have come in August of 2011. The reason there was no new addition in August 2011 was because, well ...

I NEEDED SOME TIME TO GET MY BRAIN BACK, OKAY? I did get some of my body back by my 40th birthday last summer, but then I lost it again last fall, darnit.

So I suppose I have lost my ever-lovin' mind because things are truckin' along here at the McHousehold. It actually looks kinda CLEAN (gasp) a lot of the time lately and when it looks like an explosion, it's picked up in like 5 minutes. The kids do nice little chores, and Sam plays nicely with the others enough (read: when he's not making messes like peanut butter on the front door or peeling an orange as he walks around the house).

So yes, we have a new addition coming this fall and it is a freakin' DOG.

Don't get me wrong: I LOVE animals. I'll post on that tomorrow. But I am fully aware that a dog is not like our hermit crab or turtle or minnows or hamster. Yes, you read that right. We have PET MINNOWS from last fall. We'll fish with them in the spring ... ha! A dog is a big responsibility, and we get that. I'm a little freaked out. The things we do for our kids, sheesh. Got any advice for me?

Cut Your Time in the Kitchen!

The last few nights we've had something going on and of course those are the days Sam has chosen to get on a little nap "schedule" ... meaning, he sleeps around 4-6 or so, which runs into dinner-making time and activities, so I end up either making dinner with him over my shoulder (yes, I hold him for naps, still ... sue me!). Or we have whatever we can find. Or Joel makes something easy. The third option is awesome because Joel gets to feel helpful and IS very helpful and can prepare boxed au gratin potatoes and put them in the oven or cook Spam on the stove and then peel oranges for our "veggie."

Anyway, this is driving me nuts and I'm DONE! So I've bought the stuff to make lots of meals so I will always have something to thaw in the morning (in the oven) and then if Sam is asleep on me I can just ask Joel to turn on the oven! So simple! Check out my article at North Texas Kids here about this topic ... I have other things I really want to try to cut my time in the kitchen!

But watch who you ask to do the meal swap, readers, because it didn't work out too well for me. I could be funny here, but I don't want to offend the few friends I have left. Let's just say some of them eat in a healthier manner than I myself do. And that some of the things they requested be left out of their meals I have never heard of. Some of them need double batches of food and some of them need half batches. I'll save the funnies for my memoir and then I can buy my offended friends an apology Starbuck's coffee with my book money and it will all be good. Let's just say there ain't gonna be no meal swap happening anytime soon. But try my other ideas and let me know how they work out for you!

My Kids Are Named After Music Stuff

Sometimes in the night I just can't sleep. I think it's because of all the nights I was woken up every two hours like clockwork over the years. I don't know what to do with a 2-year-old who sleeps pretty soundly through the night next to me and a 4-year-old who sleeps like a log. The others sleep great, too, since Joel's sleep problems have disappeared!

Anway, when I can't sleep I pray and think. The other night I was thinking about how much I've always loved music. Then I was thinking about my kids' names. Here's what I came up with how I subliminally named my kids:

Joel was named after Billy Joel, a great singer. He was married to Christie Brinkley, and when I was like 8 years old a boy told me I looked like her.

Michael was named after George Michael, who I was in love with before I figured out he was gay.

Callie was named after California Dreamin', a great song I've always loved. Chyna Phillips is the daughter of Michelle Phillips, and Chyna's song Hold On got me through my first marriage.

Eva is named after Little Eva because I love the song Locomotion.

Sam is named after Sailor Sam in the Paul McCartney and Wings song Band on the Run.

Freaky, right?!

Do You Ever ...

... look at a pair of pants and think, "Those are for a real fatty and would NEVER fit me!"?

Then you try them on and they fit. Maybe they are even a little tight.

I HATE that! I also hate when I accidentally put on something of my husband's and it FITS.

Women have it hard, let me tell you. Go easy on us (I'm saying this because I estimate my demographic is 50% male reading this little ole blog ... the guys want to know what I have to say because I'm like a Female Representative ... HAHAHAHA!!! Now, that is a sad, sad thought).

How was your MLK, Jr. holiday yesterday? Did you have to work anyway or did you sit around on your big ole butt? I never realized that part of his speech was about Catholics and Protestants living together peacefully. Maybe I'm an idealist, but I think the black thing and the religion thing are better since he died. Not a ton better, but better still. Some of my best friends are black. And Protestant. But not at the same time. I'm going to shut up now.

Daddy, What's a Joint?

The other night at dinner Michael had to finish his Explode the Code, which is a workbook that combines spelling, grammar and all that English jazz. He asked Aron what a joint is.

Aron told him it's like a bend in something, like where your elbow is or your knee or your hip.

Then he said, "and" ...

And I thought he was going to say something else, so I said, "Michael, let me tell you about my childhood and the definition of joint."

But no, Aron told him it's like a joint checking account.

I could not resist and had to give him the THIRD definition of a joint so he is not that socially awkward homeschooler we all hear about. I told him it's a marijuana cigarette. They vaguely know what that is, only because every now and then when we are out they hear me exclaim,

"I smell pot! I'd know pot anwhere! I've never been high. I wish I could get high because I would be less high-strung, but it's illegal and I am too attached to you guys, so I'm not getting high. Anyway. How 'bout those Chiefs?"

The Poopie Doula

Have you ever had to be a Poopie Doula for your kid?

FYI: a doula is a labor support person.

One time a friend of mine asked her insurance company if they covered doulas and had to explain what one was, using the above definition. The person goes, "Like a union representative?"

No, dummy, the doula is the person who gives the doctor the stink-eye when the in-pain mom can't do it and the dad is too overwhelmed do it.

Anyway, rarely, but often enough, I have to be the poopie doula for a kid o' mine. It goes like this:

Kid: Mommy, my poop won't come out. It's stuck.

Me: PUUUUUUUUUUSH!

Kid: I'm pushing [panicking] and it won't come out!

Me: I can see the top of the poop's head. It wants to come out, be named and be flushed. Just sit for a moment anad gather your strength, honey, and then PUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!

I'm sure you can conclude that the poop comes out just fine. Thanks to me, the Poopie Doula.

Jordan Takes the Girls to Get They Nails Did

Eva's 4th birthday was in December, before Christmas. Jordan's gift to her was to take her to get her nails done (we say get your nails DID just for fun). We all piled into the mommyvan and rolled on over to the ghetto WalMart (not really ... I mean, this IS still Johnson County, after all, and there's not REALLY a ghetto).

Jordan, Callie and Eva went into the nail salon while me and my boys went back to the toy department and did some other pre-Christmas shopping.

(left) Eva getting ready to get her nails painted with pretty little flowers ... fingers AND toes. The woman did Callie's also just cuz they're sisters and are so dang cute.

Here are my sweet baby girls getting their nails DRIED. Sorry I don't have a picture of the finished product ... the zoom/macro was not working right that day. The girls had such a good time. I never could have dreamed when I started having kids that we would be given someone like Jordan as a big sister to my kids. It is not all peace and light, don't get me wrong here. She acts just like a big sister and sometimes has to chase them down in the house and beat them up :-) But they love each other like siblings, and we thank God for Jordan!

Glade Plug-Ins ... My Nose Fell Off Again

I just got my nose put back on my face from when it fell off smelling Downy Unstopables (where's the second P, you spelling morons?! and I know I've just set myself up to make typing errors in this post, so I totally expect you to berate me for that). Then I had to go and make a stupid purchase called Glade Plug-Ins because I had a coupon (koo-pon).

Why must I buy smelly things? Why do we try to mask the odor that is Life? These are questions to be answered by God when I die.

I enjoy my Beautiful and Happy perfumes and they don't make me sick. I love having a nice candle going ... nothing too perfumey, of course. I like for my house to NOT smell like hamster and dirty diaper, so I try to mask those smells with something like the Glade Plug-In.

All I know is that within minutes of plugging it in (the oil one), I am walking around like a cat with a hairball, trying to hock the nastiness out of my throat. When did I get so flipping sensitive to smells? When I turned 40?

I knew this would happen when I used to Old Lady Babysit this woman and she could NOT handle any smells ... gave me extra money to buy unscented anything-I-could-get-my-hands-on ... unscented deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, makeup. I tried to tell her that $25 back in 1995 would not buy me much of that at the swanky Whole Foods store. So I did my best and of course anything I smelled like would set her off. I think it was my laundry detergent on my clothes that drove her the most nutty, and I could not even smell it.

So who lives near me and wants my costly oil Glade Plug-in with EXTRA REFILLS that I spent like $20 on? Someone with a non-sensitive nose, please. Maybe I'll just donate it to Catholic Charities ... ha!

Avoid Divorce: Have More Kids

I have such a great marital tip for you that you won't believe it was so simple. The answer is right in front of you! Do you want to know how to avoid a divorce?

Have more kids! Give birth to some, adopt some, get some from a surrogate, foster some. Get 'em however you have to (don't steal 'em, for gosh sake, though!)

So here's the deal: the more kids you have, generally the less money you have. The majority of people in the US are not rich anyway. When I get good and mad at my husband, for instance, all I have to do is try to figure out how we would live in TWO households separately, financial-wise. It can't be done. My stepdad jokes that if we ever divorced, my husband would be living in a box under a bridge (or, more accurately, step-daddy, Aron would be living in his sweet ride, The Beast, the F150 red truck). I probably would not be able to keep homeschooling and would have to put 3 kids in school while doing daycare and taking care of my other 2 little ones. So if I went for a divorce I would be giving up my sweet life.

And yes, it would seem I would love to get rid of 5 kids every other weekend and have some peace and quiet, it is simply not so. I am happy with ONE hour, never mind a weekend. What would I do with myself but get into trouble?

*For those readers with an eagle eye, you saw that I, Kerrie, have a step-parent. I actually have two of 'em. This is not because I am an only child. My parents' divorce happened when I was in my late twenties (it actually finalized around the time of my marriage to Aron ... eek!). So maybe I just shot my own theory down. Dangit, I do that all the time. So, what do you think of my little theory?

Books, Spirits, Mediums and Mommy Y

This post is inspired by Mommy Y over here.

Books I'm Reading:
Sweep by Cate Tiernan. It's a young adult thing, and someone I know seemed to look down on the fact that I was reading it, and yet this person is a huge fan of the Twilight stuff, and I don't see the difference. They are both young adult, right? So Sweep is actually 3 books in one that my mom loaned me, and it's about a young girl finding out she is a witch (a good witch, Christian friends who are judging me harshly right now).

One Day by ??? It's being made into a movie right now so I hope the book is good. Got it from the library.

Hunger Games by ??? Too lazy to go look up the authors. Sorry. This is also being made into a movie and I like to read the book before seeing the movie. Like I ever see movies.

Questions I Have:
1. What exactly IS the point of Pinterest? Mommy Y asked this, also. People are following me, too, and I don't get what I'm supposed to do to be worthy of that. Isn't Facebook addicting enough? There are people in my homeschool group who are on there so much that I don't know how their kids learn anything at all. I'm sure they think the same of me about my writing, although I get up early to do most of that.

2. How do you feel, if you are Christian, about mediums and spirits? There's a big discussion going on in my homeschool group about this. Some people are freaking out about how evil they are, but I've seen good things from mediums, and I know not all spirits are bad. I had a bad ouija board experience once. Maybe it wasn't BAD, but the thing was moving by itself and I was too young to ask it logical questions. I once saw my dead great-grandpa Guy once when I was really sick when I was about 7 years old, but that's the extent of my medium abilities. And that was comforting, not evil.

See ya at church :-) Or maybe not. That's okay, I like you anyway.

A Sam Post: FRUCK!

This is Sam writing. I am so busy being naughty that I sometimes forget that you are all waiting for me to write about the naughtiness. Don't you remember being a kid, you know, like before you could read? Don't you remember being naughty? Wasn't it great?

Anyhows, I hafta tell you guys about something cool my mom did. Last night online she scheduled a fire station visit with one of our homeschool groups. At NIGHT! At a really cool new fire station in Lenexa, KS that is like LEED or something like that. I don't know what that means. I think they have a fire boat or something, too, for lake rescues and such. I am excited to see the FRUCKS (firetrucks).

Okay, so check this out, my latest exploit. So the other day when Mommy was doing laundry and wasn't looking, I turned the hot water heater all the way down! Then I looked all innocent. Then Sunday morning when Mommy got in the shower for church, it was ice cold and she had to shower anyway and she was screaming and yelling and cussing and stuff. She figured out what I did pretty quick, got out of the shower, stormed down to the basement and turned the heater up. But it still took a long time to get warm, so she got a cold shower! I was giggling inside. I'm already planning my next naughty exploits, so stay tuned to the Sam Posts!

My Snotty Whole Foods Splurge

So my friend needed me to go to Whole Foods for her because it’s closer to my house and I was going to be down 2 kids (they were at a party at her house, in fact). She only needed a couple of things, but what she doesn’t realize is that Whole Foods is like my shoes or my crack. This means that I can take or leave shoes or crack (you know I’ve never tried crack!), but I LOVE food with a passion. I am a foodtard, though. Luckily I married a food genius named Aron.

I will now share my Whole Foods purchases with you. Oh, I also have to add first that sometimes I get crazy in Whole Foods because the people are so different from people who shop at Aldi. Sometimes I walk the aisles chanting, “Get me out of the land of the rich, healthy people.” Yes, I know you don’t have to be rich to shop there, but some stuff is so pricey. I suppose if I never got a Starbuck’s coffee out and NEVER ate out EVER I could afford to eat SOME stuff at Whole Foods. I’m CONSIDERING getting healthy someday and eating mostly good-for-me stuff, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

So my MAJOR PURCHASE was these poached salmon veggie rolls. They were like a buck a piece but SO healthy and yummy. I also got a salad ON SALE … butternut squash, goat cheese and walnuts. I added half an avocado that was on sale. I saved the other half for later and told it, “I will place you in this plastic baggie with your seed still on. I don’t care if you turn brown in the fridge. I will always love you anyway.” I also have to always get those naughty cocoa chewy cookies that are like a buck a piece there. I spent my kids’ college savings on these salmon burgers because this crack (I mean, SALMON) dealer was handing out samples and I knew my family would love them.

I wanted the coffee yogurt but will wait until it goes on sale (I will spend a buck on a cookie but not a buck on one yogurt that would make a great breakfast with some Kashi). CRAP … I just wrote KASHI … did you see that?! I know we cloth diaper and homeschool and stuff, but I will never go 100% Whole Foods. I love my cheap Aldi, and they have some healthy stuff.

Still, if I made like $50 an hour writing and could afford to spend $1,000 per month on groceries (holy crap!), I would totally convert to Whole Foods. There’s just something kinda snobby about it, like people are judging the non-organic peoples of the world. I don’t really care about organic; I just love the variety and the quality!

P.S. I know there are people like my friend Jeani who have food allergies and must shop at Whole Foods for all the gluten-free and other special foods. And then there are the people who just want to feed themselves and their families totally healthy stuff. Don’t forget about the people with, like, cancer who are trying to eat all clean to try to reverse their disease. So I’m thinking maybe 50% of shoppers there are just trying to be cool.

The Turtle's Vagina

All in a day’s work, January 2, 2012

Callie: About the turtle, “Michael, I think he’s a girl. I think I saw his vagina.”

Eva: “With all of the food I ate, I had a bad poop.”

Breastfeeding Art by Picasso!

Did you know Picasso did a painting of a woman nursing her infant? I discovered this painting at my friend Jill's house [Jill, if you're reading this, please comment with your blog address so people can come see you!].

Last fall I finally got back enough brainpower (it takes me two years after having a baby to be normal again!) to realize that I could order my own print of this off the Internet and get it framed at Michael's. So now I have it hanging in our bedroom over Eva's twin bed. Whenever Sam sees it, he gets all excited and says "nay nay", which is how my last 3 kids have said nursing. The boys always said "tetita", which is a quasi-Spanish word we learned from my sister-in-law who grew up in Panama.

ANYWAY, I apologize for digressing like I always do! My question is: do you own art? This is my only piece. Aron has some cool coastline paintings and a Calvin and Hobbes painting his brother did. The kids have a couple of cool ocean paintings from my mom and my friend Alex. I used to have those cheapo posters of like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe and the Eiffel Tower and Abbey Road but those are long gone. Do those count as art?

FYI: I got my piece at www.art.com for only like $16 using MyPoints (25% off plus I got MyPoints)!

A New Year's Eve Gripe: YES or NO to Last Friday Night

I will leave 2011 with a nice peevey gripe, because that's what I do. And, as always, I'd love to know what you think! See you in 2012 ...

I can’t tell you how badly I hate this song (Last Friday Night by Katy Perry). And you know I like some pretty racy songs. I do love the beat and sometimes can’t get it out of my head when I hear like one bar of it before I get the chance to change the station. Here are my issues with it:

1.      Woke up with a stranger in her bed. Nice. She’s lucky he/she didn’t kill her in her sleep.

2.      Is it a hickey or a bruise? Hmmm, both are bad. I never understood the point of a hickey. They hurt when you get them and then you just try to cover them up. Who enjoys sucking on someone’s neck, anyway?

3.      Menage a trois. Great. Let’s teach our kids that one partner is never enough. Why not go out and have an affair after you get married, son? Spice things up!

Kids come over with this song on their cell phones and I have to tell them just about anything goes at my house (sugar! Dancing! Screaming! Running!) but not this song. As the queen of inappropriateness and too much information, I take every chance I get to school kids on what things in the song mean.

Of course, take this post with a grain of salt (or sugar!) because I am the one who heard a commercial in the 70s and went around saying, “Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma’am!” for weeks until my dad heard me and gave me a look and told me to Stop Right Now. He didn’t tell me what it meant; I figured that one out later.

Stompeez STINK! (and update

Actually, I don't know about the actual product called Stompeez because THEY NEVER ARRIVED!

My mom had me order these for the kids on November 25th. On December 16th I called to see what the deal was since these things cost and arm and a leg and the shipping cost is ridiculous. I was on hold 20 minutes and then was told they would go out "this week". Hmmm, I called on a FRIDAY. So I asked, "So they are going out TODAY since that's the last day of the freaking week?" Probably to shut me up, they said yes.

Guess what? Christmas Day came and still no Stompeez. It's now the 29th of December and they have still not arrived. If they don't come over the weekend, we're going to try to cancel our order, which should be very interesting indeed. Of course I'll call first to see what's up so I can get some more smoke blown up my ... you know. I'll let you know.

P.S. I know the website says they'll come in 4-6 weeks, and today is the end of the 5th week only. I guess I should give them another week and see. Still, what's the holdup? And don't tell me my order is going out when it is NOT! See below for update:

As of this writing, it has been 6 weeks and one day and NO STOMPEEZ. My mom is going to wait for her credit card to make sure they haven't charged her, then we will just cancel the dang things. What is the freaking holdup? They are slippers, for God's sake!

1/16/12 update still no Stompeez. Don't make me call you crazy people! By the way, see if you can spot the SIX DIFFERENT WAYS they spell their product name on the website!

2/27/12 Update. They finally arrived in February. They sent me an email that said they accidentally wiped out my order and input it again and shipped it. Guess what? It was FREAKING WRONG. So we have only 3 sets instead of the 4 we ordered, and the sizes and types are WRONG. Do you think I'm calling them? No. Do you think I'm ordering the other pair again. HELL NO!

Do not order from this company ... maybe someday they will get their crap together!

“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout, PhD

I believe this book should be required reading for high school students (along with The Art of Natural Family Planning so everyone knows how a female’s cycle works and we see a drastic reduction in “accidental” pregnancies … love adoption, hate abortion).

Martha Stout has written a rockin’ book that keeps the reader interested. She claims that only about 4% of the population is sociopathic (interchangeable with being psychopathic) and have a total absence of conscience.

Ruminate on that for a minute. NO CONSCIENCE. Like you could do anything and not feel bad. Like you try to fit in so you can charm people, you mimic their facial expressions and you are basically an actor your entire life so you can hang out in society. People are a game to you.

I have come across a few of these people in my life, and I have to say it is SCARY. You can’t reason with them because they simply don’t care. They like to mess with you like a chess piece because they get bored easily. They tell lies about you to anyone who will listen. You are a thing to them, and if they focus on you, your life is to be destroyed.

This book has a nice tip to help you start thinking about who the sociopaths in your life could possibly be (let’s not forget those BORDERLINE personalities, too, who make up another ??? of the population, holy crap!). Then it has an entire chapter with 13 tips on how to protect yourself from them. For instance, I like to fight back by nature because I’m scrappy (according to Tresa), but the tactic to take with sociopaths is AVOIDANCE.

Of course, don’t minimize the importance of your INSTINCTS. If something doesn’t feel right, why do we just keep going back to it? I personally do it because I’m curious by nature and want to know what the heck is wrong with this person who I just saw “crying” and realize I’ve never seen anyone cry that way in my life … like a bad acting cry, like mimicking a cry. (spoiler from the book: people who always seem to play on your pity and take, take take should send up a red flag!).

At the ripe young age of 40, I’m glad I came across this book because I am a Pleaser and try to Be Nice and Get Along. This book has taught me to put on my Big Girl Panties and stay away from the Crazies so I can protect my most valuable asset: my family.

I’ll leave you with a quote: “Perhaps the most easily recognized example is the battered wife whose sociopathic husband beats her routinely and then sits at the kitchen table, head in his hands, moaning that he cannot control himself and that he is a poor wretch whom she must find it in her heart to forgive.” And she does forgive him, time and time again, until she finally figures it out and gets the hell away from him forever and goes on to live a full and rich life like she never imagined possible while she was being beaten!

I wonder if maybe sociopaths were born without a soul. My husband thinks that’s preposterous. What do you think? Report back here with your socio/psychopath stories! Mine is above. You’re welcome!

Merry Day-After-Christmas (a.k.a. Return Stuff Day)

Merry Day After Christmas! I hope you are all enjoying yourselves and are successfully cleaning up after the Christmas Carnage. We're doing pretty good here due to some pre-Christmas stuff purging. I'm wondering if Santa came to your house? Does he bring too dang much when he comes? How do you ask Santa to bring less?

We love our zoo membership from my mom, and the new clothes from Dad and Nancy were a hit since they wear 99% hand-me-downs. Oh, and the remote control helicopters from step-Dave were awesome. And by the way, a sweet woman from church said Santa came early to her house and delivered gifts to each of my kids early, which they opened yesterday. They were toys, but they LOVE every single one and each one was so perfect for my kids' personalities (no, they don't have multiple personalities, I'm just not sure how to grammarize that sentence). So, thank you to Kay and Amanda so so much! Michael's new teeny turtle (Giggy) got a ride on Sam's dumptruck. Poor thing.

Then there's Eva's Pikachu pillow pet and Callie's American Girl knockoff and Joel's Nerf Longstrike gun and my Happy perfume and WOW! pens and  ... I'd better stop now.

Basically, I want to know how your Sunday (yesterday) was. Leave me a comment here or on Facebook, because sometimes it's just easier to leave on there, let's face it.

Love to my friends, family and followers! Have a great week! Photos to come!

Your Baby Can Read! Who Cares?!

LOOK! Sam can read! My baby can read! Wow! Wait, he's not really reading, is he? He's just looking at a book while relaxing all cozy with his water bottle next to him. If he could read, that would be pretty cool, but I'm certainly not TEACHING him to read anytime soon. What do you think about teaching babies to read? I mean, who cares? It's like bragging that your 1-year-old is potty-trained and my 3-year-old is not (for the record, I don't have a 3-year-old, as Michael is sitting here pointing out to me! Eva is 4 and potty trained). Who cares? It all shakes out by the time they are 18, right? The playing field is kinda evened out by then, don't you think? So my baby sleeps with me. He won't be at 18. So he's nursing still. He won't be at 18! Maybe your 12-year-old is a real jerk right now. Maybe he'll be better at 18,  maybe not. Dangit! I always refute my own arguments! Gotta go.

Dena's Vintage Closet in Kentucky

I am in love with vintage stuff and always have been. When I was 18 I got the greatest black cashmere 1960s coat at a vintage shop in Manitou Springs, Colorado and was hooked. Later I got things like 1960s cocktail dresses (I think I fit in that turquoise gorgeous concoction ONCE to go to the Savoy Grill; after that I was never that tiny again) and other great items. I even temporarily owned a Herman Miller couch ... coffee tables built into each end and green/blue plaid on the back.

I currently sport a Marcwyn 1960s red wool coat with big buttons. Today someone at Westlake Hardware told me I was very Jackie O ... what a compliment! So I decided to look for my coat online to see where it would lead me and found Dena's Vintage Closet. I had always thought I couldn't afford to go vintage or that I wouldn't have the time to shop that way (with all the kids in tow!), but now I see I can go online! Yippee! Do you have any favorite vintage places to shop?

*The coat above is a 1960s swing coat and is only $39 ... and will stand the test of time for sure. I'm sick of buying crap at Target and WalMart and even Eddie Bauer and having it get holey after a few washes. I'm going to start investing in vintage things that are classy!

Clean Up Your Dog's Poop, Moron!

People act like I'm the craziest woman on earth for toting 5 kids around. It's like they think I don't know how to use birth control, but I know better than 99% of the USA how my flipping cycles work and when to AVOID getting pregnant so I never have to utter those assinine words, "I had a surprise pregnancy!" It's never really a surprise unless you were not aware you were having intercourse, no?

Anyway, I want to know who is stupider in society ... me for having a bunch of kids or those people who let their dog rule their life and crap all over the place and don't pick it up.

If I change a freaking diaper in public it's an outrage. If I step in your dog's crap, that's somehow okay and I have no way of tracking your nasty ass down. I think we need to start a DNA database for all animals so I know who is letting their dog crap in the grass at Target and is not picking it up. And who is using the grass at the school park like a dog park and then kids ride their bikes through and step all over dog crap.

Yeah, I know some dogs are strays and they are the ones pooping. Still, a database would take care of that. You could track down the original owner and make them come pick up the poop within 24 hours or send them a $50 ticket. I'm just brainstorming here, folks. It's not a foolproof plan ... yet.

McLoughlin Family Christmas Letter 2011 With BONUS Pics!

I ordered these awesome photo Christmas cards and picked them up from CVS and don't have a file, so here's a picture of the picture I ordered. Scroll down for the actual letter with BONUS photos! It's your lucky day! Whoot whoot! Whoo ho! Boo-ya!

So here's the annual Christmas letter. I'm not sure why I even write one since I have the blog. I started doing it because my husband's family always did one and I thought it was neat. The thing is, they started it because they moved AWAY and had to do a letter to keep everyone up with them and their 5 kids. My mother-in-law used to use clear gelatin to make copies of the letters. No joke, folks.

Merry Christmas! Here’s a little update (youngest kid to oldest kid) so you have something to read while you use the restroom (it doubles as toilet paper!):

Samuel turned 2 in October and loves trains, fire trucks, anything that makes noise and BALLS. The boy scares me with how he can dribble a basketball and then sit on it like he’s some lifetime player. Put a soccer ball in front of his foot and he’ll kick it into any goal. He is ornery, but lucky for him his cuteness offsets that. We’re currently trying to keep him from unwrapping ALL the gifts under the tree.

Eva turned 4 this month and loves anything Barbie. She likes to play with babies, have her makeup done and nails painted, but she is also pretty tough! She can be found most days painting with watercolors and sneaking popsicles from the freezer. She fits in a ride on her little princess bike whenever she can.

            Callie turned 6 in February. She started a dance class in the spring and had a recital in June which Tutu got to come to. She recently switched to Upward Cheer and will cheer at her first basketball game in January. She is a little actress who can put together a fashionable outfit with anything that’s laying around, and likes Barbie, singing and dancing.

Michael turned 8 in April and is taking gymnastics with Joel. He’s had Henry the King Betta for about a year now. Speaking of fish, he and Joel got to go fishing twice this year with Aron and their Poppy. Michael got 1^st in Pinewood Derby for siblings again and 1^st in Raingutter Regatta! In the spring we got to go down by Kemper Arena for his Junior First Lego League competition, which was amazing (his team built a little mobility scooter). The boys are crazy for Pokemon cards right now!

Joel turned 10 in June and we keep him in playdates galore. Always the businessman, he shoveled driveways when the snow hit and sold lemonade all summer. He went to Cub Scout camp and was top seller of popcorn in his pack, along with winning 2^nd place in Pinewood Derby again and 3^rd in Raingutter Regatta! He still has Daisy the Hamster and now also Herman the Hermit Crab. He likes to volunteer at Harvester’s with Grandpa Mac, and a couple of weeks ago he built the World’s Biggest Leaf Pile with his dad and siblings (I helped!).

I turned 40 in June and Aron had a big party for me with Mexican catered food, a DJ, moonwalk, Adirondack chairs and a rented red Mustang convertible! I started Bible study at Holy Trinity (the 3 oldest kids go to Catechesis of the Good Shepherd at the same time), and otherwise I’m just sitting around the house homeschooling, stripping wallpaper, being involved in Scouts, blogging, writing (for 93 magazines!) and (as Sam gets older) I’m even getting my photos organized so I can start scrapbooking again. I’ve always been pretty lazy like that.

            Aron turned 45 in November without a party L However, I did rent him a red convertible Camaro for a week, and we had fun! He’s had to go to Phoenix some this year for work, but thanks to Jordan we’ve been able to go on a few dates this year! He’s still a Cub Scout Den Leader, Religious Ed teacher (Joel, Michael and Callie go to class) and awesome dad and husband. We’ve been together for 16 years now, and I don’t know how he puts up with me!

This year found us going on tons of outings: to the pool, the zoo, nature centers, farmsteads, museums, parks, pet stores, seeing friends and family and more. To keep up with us, check out TheKerrieShow.com, where I regularly post photos and other fun family information (and inflammatory opinions!).

Here’s hoping 2012 is even better than this year for everyone. Take care of yourselves and of each other ©

Love from Aron, Kerrie, Joel, Michael, Callie, Eva and Sam McLoughlin

I Got a Whipped Cream Pie in the Face

Well, it's about time. I know a lot of people have been dying to pie me in the face for a very long time. Last night my son Joel got to do it. Here's how it happened:

Joel wins a $40 WalMart.com gift card and Zyclone gun for being top popcorn seller in the pack

Then Joel got his sweet Top Seller prize: a Thermarest bedroll, which will keep his tootsies warm on winter campouts

The 5 top sellers got to pick a den leader to give a whipped cream pie in the face. I had told Joel earlier that he could do me if he absolutely was dying to.

Yep, the boy got me good. Shoulda smeared it my hair better, though!

Yum!

For Kids and People Who Hate Math: Life of Fred

Actually, this book rec is for kids who LOVE math, who HATE math, who TEACH math, and even for ADULTS who loved or hated math. This rec is also for parents who are struggling through math homework with their kids or who need a fun math supplement.*

I have found the most awesome book for teaching math to kids. I know, I know, you are saying, "Kerrie, put this crap on your homeschooling mommybot blog, girl. I don't give a flying fig about how you teach math to your little hellion children."

WAIT! Listen up! Because this series is so funny that my kids BEG their dad and I to read it to them at bedtime. My husband thinks this will never work because they aren't doing "drill and kill" math (you remember, the endless worksheets doing stuff you either hadn't a clue how to do or else knew after the first 2 problems!!!). It's now up to me to prove to Aron that the kids CAN learn math this way, and MORE! Oh, and just because you don't have worksheets, you still have "problems" (he calls is "Your Turn to Play" at the end of each short chapter and the answers are on the other side of the page), and they range from simple to logical to things to draw to funny.

This set of books is called "Life of Fred" and starts with the elementary series. The first book is called Apples, then there's Butterflies and they go in alphabetical order. The books go all the way up to teaching CALCULUS, for gosh sake! They are so great because they tell the goofy story of a "kid" named Fred, who is 5 years old and a university teacher. Sometimes there is an Intermission for adult readers only, like:

"I am going to put this in tiny type so that kids won't read it [Kerrie says, so of COURSE they are going to think it is forbidden and will read it!!!!!! Genius!]. Some kids will be dying to know how to draw a circle inside of any old triangle. Since I'm not telling them how to do it, they may ask you. I'll pass the secret on to you, so that you can appear really smart."

*They are hilarious
*They are set in Kansas
*They sneak in learning (geometry for 1st graders? who knew?). What other 6-year-old on the block knows who Archimedes is?????
*They sneak in God (sets of 10 include toes, fingers, Commandments)
*They teach logic because sometimes the stories are so messed up and silly ... how is a 5-year-old a college teacher? How come his doll can draw like an artist? Where did Fred's common sense go?
*They make me excited to learn math. I HATED math in school. My teachers blew through stuff and I was lost. ONE year I had a great teacher for Geometry in high school and the entire class got As because she waited until everybody understood.

*I'm not getting any money or books in exchange for writing this post. I just stumbled upon something great thanks to my awesome Facebook homeschool group, and wanted to share because I like to laugh and I like to see my kids learn without crying or their eyes glazing over! I bought the first book online for $16 and am borrowing the rest from friends until I can buy the whole series.

BIG Announcement ... Come to the Blog

Gotcha! Sorry about that. You probably think I'm pregnant, but no, I do not currently have anyone residing in my womb. I just wanted to tease you a little bit. To reward you for your obedience, I will share something personal about myself that I recently learned (and you also get to see a picture of my kids loafing around from last summer):

I don't wash my hands after a poopie diaper change because I am worried about germs. I wash them because I don't want my hands to smell like poop.

Have a great week ... our tree is up, presents are being wrapped, photo cards are being picked up today, my new mommy business cards are in, and the Christmas letter is in the works (not really; I'm procrastinating that one).