A Married Person Shouldn't Have to Pay for Sex

me and Aron when he brought me coffee on Valentine's Day (aka, VD)

I have to confess something very personal.

My husband and I pay for sex.

Yep, there are times when we are able to spend a few moments together but the kids won't leave us alone so we can sneak off. So, yes, it's true. We might pay a sitter to take the kids to the park so we can be alone. So technically we pay for sex.

I'm sorry, but like many parents, we are too freaking tired at night after the kids are in bed to even look at each other. We crash within seconds. Family bed has nothing to do with it ... NEWSFLASH: you don't just have to mess around in BED.

So we have to find time OTHER times. And doing that Natural Family Planning makes things even trickier, folks. It's not like it's ON like Donkey Kong every single day at my place. There's a window of opportunity for NOT becoming someone who shops once again at Babies R Us. The window is slimmer than you would think when you are truly trying to be careful.

Don't you judge me. Just offer to babysit :-)

Stuff You SHOULD NEVER Do When Pregnant and Do Anyway

I love Virginia over at Meet Virginia and want to eat her with a spoon. She responded to my recent post about loving coffee by saying that she loves coffee but she's always pregnant (I hear ya, sister ... except she's having #7 soon so she wins this round) so she has to cut back and she still has 2 cups a day.

If you are freaking out right now you are reading the WRONG BLOG becuase you know how I feel about that sort of junk.

I am all about my kids being kept safe and (fairly) clean and very healthy and getting enough sleep and brushing their teeth and taking their baths and showers and eating pretty well except for all the Hershey kisses we got 50% off the day after Valentine's Day. I know where my kids are all the time. And I take care of myself when pregnant ... don't smoke, don't drink, blah blah blah.

But you KNOW there are those people out there who might see a preggie with a Starbuck's and send negative death rays at her head. Which is really just a waste of time for the haters, don't you think? Because if I am looking out for someone and am concerned about their well-being, I'm not going to try to change their mind by being a jerk; I'm going to talk to them lovingly. And really, a little caffeine is the hill you want to die on?

OK, so my post makes sense with the title for a change, here are other things you should never do when pregnant, except that I did all of them and have 5 healthy, smart, amazing kids:

1. Eat fish.
2. Slip on ice and fall on your ass.
3. Hang out in a hot tub.
4. Get stressed out at work.
5. Nurse an older child.
6. Snort nasal spray to get some freaking sleep.
7. Fill in the blank.

One more thing to totally send you off the deep end: if smoking was so bad for preggies back in the 1960s, why aren't most of us born to smokin' preggies running around underweight and short and stupid? And don't get me started on the Valium use back then :-)

P.S. Before this post went to press, Virgnia wanted me to add: "the ONLY kid I drank NO caffeine with was my oldest. I was super strict about everything and he is the only kid I have with the most issues. Not only does he have a form of Autism but he has major allergy issues. He's my most unhealthiest and the most hyper. You better believe I'm gonna have caffeine after that."

Talk amongst yourselves and report back here. I can take it.

Electronic Medical Records: Yes or No?

So I'm perusing my March 2012 issue of BabyTalk magazine. Yes, I still take all the parenting and baby mags I can get my hands on because (1) I like to be on top of my mothering game so I pretty much go AGAINST all the advice in these mags and (2) I aspire to write articles and shorts for them someday ... honest stuff, funny stuff, useful stuff and not fluff. Although I will write fluff for enough money. Just being honest.

Anyway, there's this teeny thing about a company called Motherknows.com and for $8 per month plus $49 setup fee they "compile your child's medical history, allowing parents to tap into it 24/7."

Tap into this, you sleep-deprived mommies with too much money and too little time: Obama laid down the law and our records have to be all electronic by 2014 anyway (HITECH Act of 2009). Will your doc's records upload to Motherknows' records every time you go to the doctor or do you have to do it your dang self? What a pain if you have more than 1 kid and a job and stuff like that.

It seems to me that Motherknows.com is trying to cash in on people who don't know that their records are going to be in that form soon enough anyway. Me, I just toss vaccine and appointment info in an Excel file with a different sheet for each kid. When that gets overwhelming, I just toss stuff in a file folder called "medical" and dig through it when I need to.

So why would you pay for your kids' records to be electronic when soon enough everybody's records will be that way anyhow? For free! Well, kinda for free. I mean, your tax dollars will pay for it, but whatever. That's like free money for the government anyway. It's like my Paypal money. Ha!

Now I will sit back and wait for the company to Google themselves and find me and then comment about how great they are!

While we wait, shall we discuss banking umbilical cord blood? Yes? No? I don't do it. Did you? Would you? And let's also find out what you think about medical records going electronic! My doc's been doing it for a while now ... I miss seeing him lug around my 27-pound chart sometimes. Ah, memories.

I Love Women Sometimes!

Okay, so we all know that women drive me nuts sometimes. So do men. So do kids. That's life. We can't all have a lovefest every day.

I just have to say that I really dig my current homeschool group peeps. I came out of a bad homeschool group experience (that story is saved for Facebook wall posts, comments on miscellaneous blogs and my momoir) a couple of weeks ago and it turns out it was for the best that a couple of pals and I were booted out of the group. (yep, I'm a rebel ... you always suspected it ... I have confirmed it today).

The cover of my local paper a few weeks ago screamed "More Women Taking Aim" and there's a picture of a woman shooting a gun with her ear protection and badass face on.

This made me think of a new pal of mine who told me about walking around a grocery store with her gun in full view. I guess it's the law to have it in full view, and I my jaw was on the ground because I know ZIP about guns. And to think that a pal of mine was walking around toting one was like so cool. She has a permit. It's legal. But the people at the store were freaking out, so she was asked by management to cover it up or get out.

So this is just a mom walking around with a gun, legally. What if some crazy-looking hairy guy in biker garb walked in with his gun all on his pants? Yep, they'd probably just leave him alone.

So dumb of management to mess with a mom with a gun! When will you men learn? Women go rogue all the time. Why help push them over the edge?

Anyway, how do you feel about guns? I'm in the Bible belt (I think) in the Midwest, and I don't know squat about the gun law in my state. Of course, there's a whole 'nother state just a few miles from me and it has entirely different laws. I think I'd just be REAL nice to anyone walking around with an unconcealed gun.

Anyway, that's just one story of one woman I know who I think is cool and different and not thinking like the dang pack. I like women who think for themselves. Women who don't subscribe to groupthink and nod their little heads when the Queen Bee says, "PBS is too liberal. My Little Pony does chants. Harry Potter is evil. Gays are all bad. Rock music is from the devil."

In short, I have been around some CRAZIFIED womenfolk. And I have met some ROCKIN' women who look past the stories about me and get to know the real me. Women who parent their kids based on what they feel is right and what they research and not on what they are TOLD by society. I wish I could name all my peeps, but I don't want to embarrass them. They know who they are.

I Hate Women Sometimes Part TWO

Wow, you should have seen my blog stats go through the roof when I griped about the big meanie at the community center (please excuse the cussing on some of the comments!). So many excellent comebacks you guys came up with! I would also like to add the comeback to her of, "My input and tax dollars helped pay for this community center, so I can eat a freaking carrot in here if I want to."

So because ya'll obviously love mean women stories, I have dug deep into the recesses of my mind to come up with more little stories. I am excited to see your comebacks because this stuff just keeps happening and I need some good stuff to say to those who want to kill my light.

1. I love it when we're at the outdoor pool and one of my littles bends down to drink from the spray hose. You know, the hose that has holes poked in it to just wet the ground to cool it off? Then female lifeguards FREAK OUT like they are drinking liquid crack. Is the hose poisonous? Is the water from the hose different from the water coming out of the drinking fountain? Should we be frightened?

2. When I used to babysit at various churches (that's an entire book on its own), the women would FREAK OUT when kids would get a cup and get water from the BATHROOM SINK and (ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?) drink it. I would ask, "isn't it the same water as in the drinking fountain around the corner?"

3. As a woman, why do I have to wash my hands after I pee? I guarantee you I'm not touching anything exciting. My hand is covered with toilet paper, in fact. No pee gets through my tp barrier. Besides, how germy is pee, anyway? Now get over here and shake my hand, dangit.

4. I hate how when I used to babysit at churches, the moms would do the drop-off and have ZERO CLUE who was watching their kid. They must figure that someone at a church is safe because it's a church?! Wise up, ladies! At least GLANCE at the person who is going to be watching your crying kid and comforting them for the next 2 hours while you have your freaking selfish GIRL TIME. [I am adding to this because I'm catching crap for bashing GIRL TIME. Some of us want/need girl time more than others. I'm bashing girl time AND religious time (MOPS, anyone?) when it means your kid is crying to the point of puking every single week and the facilitator won't let you take your baby into the room with you, where he/she would undoubtedly be super quiet and snuggled up to you.]

Women hate it when you get all logical on them with questions and stuff. They get all like, "Don't you challenge my old wive's tales and faulty logic and emotions or I will call the State on you." Are you gonna call them on me for being a laid-back mother who does NOT freak out all the time, because I don't really think that's a crime. In fact, I bet I drink less than you, I don't smoke, I don't need drugs of any kind and I have a great marriage and great kids. GET OFF MY BACK, LADIES! Remember that we all have different experiences which shape our opinions. So there.

Tomorrow's post: I LOVE Women Sometimes!