Taco Burrito McLoughlin (Baby-Naming Fun)

Just for fun around my house we’ve always liked to talk about having more kids.

Joel says, “I want twins!” Judging from this photo, he wants ASIAN twins. Not sure I can accommodate since my husband is Whitey McWhiterson. The day I went for my pee test at the doc’s office, Callie says, “Mommy, you have a boy baby AND a girl baby in your belly.” I said, “Shut your mouth, child.”

To Joel I say, “Bite your tongue, Boy. That would do me in for sure. One at a time, please. TWINS are not on my Vision Board.”

I don’t really have a Vision Board. (Piece of advice for the single ladies: on your first date, don’t tell a man his picture is on your Vision Board … that’s a little creepy.)

Callie wants a big sister. But not little brothers because they will be mean to her. She likes the names I threw out that are Aron-approved: Reuben or Levi for a boy and Olivia for a girl. Except Aron keeps changing his mind.

I like Taco Burrito for a boy and Salsa Nacho for a girl. I love my Mexican food; what can I say? My grandma had 2 sisters: Eva and Juanita. I ate so much Mexican food when I was pregnant with Eva that my grandma said maybe I should name her Juanita if she was a girl. She is a wise woman.

Alright, all you people who like to suggest baby names, here are your guidelines: the first name can’t start with the same letter as any of my existing children (Joel, Michael, Callie or Eva) or A or K. The first and middle names combined need to be 11 letters. And it has to sound good with McLoughlin. And no Irish jokes. Okay, I like Irish jokes.

Family Bumper Stickers

I found these deadly bumper stickers (or car window stickers) at Michael’s for $1.99 per pack. There were only 3 options for each dad (golfer, sports coach or briefcase-toting guy) and mom (yoga chick, sports coach or briefcase-toting chick), so I picked these 2 and later took them back. Who cares if Mom and Dad are on the back of the van, anyway? I’m wondering where the other options are, though, like Writer Mom or Crazy-Frazzled Homeschooling Stay-at-Home Mom. And Aron’s should be more like Woodworking, Lawn-Mowing Dad or – better yet – FISHING DAD!


These 2 are the boys (dirty boy Joel who makes messes and regular boy Michael):


These are the girls (princess Callie and baby Eva with leftover baby boy for later):


Here’s the chemical warning that totally freaked me out:


So this is KNOWN to the State of California to cause birth defects? Why is the rest of the country so stupid, then? Why is this product being sold? Why did I put these stickers on the back of my van? You bet your sweet butt I washed my hands pretty good after applying them!

Author Interview: J.A. Konrath writing as Jack Kilborn

I’ve been hearing about Joe Konrath for years. He wrote some entertaining articles in Writer’s Digest, and I knew he’d written some great, humorous mysteries with the character Jacqueline (Jack) Daniels. But, man, I didn’t realize he’d written SIX in this series and crossed over to horror as well. I’m grabbing his latest book, “Afraid”, for my husband.

I thought it’d be fun to interview the guy. Rather than freak him out by giving him a tinkle on the telly (he’d hear the 4 squealing kids and my morning-sickness retching in the background), I decided to give the guy a break and just do an e-mail interview to feature on my little bloggies. Enjoy.

Queen Kerrie: Why are you using a different author name with this book?
JAK: J.A. Konrath writes funny mysteries with some scary parts. Jack Kilborn writes all scary parts. To speak in marketing terms, they're different brands, so they should have different names.

Moi: What do you wear and eat when you write?
Famous Writer Dude: In all seriousness, I write in my underwear. :) I have a variety of boxer shorts with cartoons and funny slogans. The pair I'm currently wearing say, "Make me an offer I can't refuse." Spongebob is another fave. In CHERRY BOMB, my sixth Jack Daniels book coming out in July, I have a character who is tied up wearing nothing but Duff Beer boxers -- that's the brew Homer drinks on The Simpsons. While I wrote that scene, I was in my Duff Beer boxers. Every time my son brings friends over, I manage to throw on some jeans and a tee. But during the day I have the house to myself, so clothing is optional. This is probably waaaaaay more than your readers wanted or needed to know, so I'm going to retcon the whole topic. When I write I wear a black Armani tuxedo.

Me: What do you do when you don't feel like writing something difficult ... do the dishes, take a walk, prank call a friend, mess around on Twitter or Facebook?
Joe: I'm so attached to my computer I have a chamber pot under my desk. I'm always answering e-mail, blogging, or replying to someone on some social network. Whenever I get stuck in a story, distraction is always a mouse click away. Though I do enjoy prank calling those "Everything Is One Dollar" stores, then repeatedly asking how much certain items cost. After the eighth or ninth time, the clerks think it's funny, I bet.

Miss K: How do you do laundry? Cram it all in or sort?
Joey K: I'm a crammer, and my wife hates it. Unless it's a red sweater, there is no reason towels can't share washer space with socks and jeans. Are there actually men who sort?

*Note from Kerrie: I am a crammer, while my husband used to be a sorter before I converted him. We suck it up and deal with gray socks that used to be white.

Constantly Pregnant Chick: How much time do you devote to writing per day?
Father of a Son: When I'm on a deadline, fourteen hours a day isn't unusual. In between books, it depends what I'm working on. I do a lot of short stories, so I'm often playing with one or two. But weeks can go by without me writing anything creative, except from my daily Twitter joke. Here are some of my daily Twitter jokes:

-- I haven't learned a thing in hypnotism class, and it costs $300 an hour. But for some reason I just signed up for six more sessions.

-- I've talked to dozens of people, but nobody wants to invest in my all natural "green" toilet paper substitute; the washable pooper cactus.

-- My wife is demanding a romantic getaway this Valentine’s Day, but she refuses to tell me whom she's going with.

-- You have to watch out for bad cholesterol. The other day, I was eating a pizza, and some bad cholesterol stole my car.

-- I missed mime class, because I was practicing at home and got stuck in an imaginary box.

-- Few things are as crucial, decisive, exigent, foremost, imperative, meaningful, necessary, relevant, salient, and vital, as the synonym.

-- Sex is great exercise, but I probably need more exercise than just four minutes a month.

There are more than two hundred other gems like this at www.twitter.com/jakonrath.

I really need to get away from the computer, I think.

Kurious Kerrie: How many books have you published? (In hindsight, I realize there ARE dumb questions, as I could’ve easily Googled this).
Funny Guy: The Jack Daniels series, in order, is comprised of WHISKEY SOUR, BLOODY MARY, RUSTY NAIL, DIRTY MARTINI, FUZZY NAVEL, CHERRY BOMB. I also edited the hitman anthology THESE GUNS FOR HIRE. AFRAID, under the Jack Kilborn moniker, comes out at the end of March. Kilborn also wrote TRAPPED, coming out later this year. These are both really, really scary, so only brave people should attempt to read them. Of course, there are no braver people on the planet than mothers, so I think your readers can handle these with no problem.

On my website, www.jakonrath.com, I have dozens of published short stories and three unpublished novels that people can read for free. I also have a scary flash game for AFRAID.

Kooky Homeschooler: How many articles have you had published?
Super Rich Writer Man: I've been in Writer's Digest a bunch of times. I lost count how many. As for short stories, I've done more than sixty. One of my current faves is a werewolf novella in WOLFSBANE & MISTLETOE, edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner. Lots of people seem to like that story. It's a funny Christmas/shapeshifter/romance/psychotic Santa tale, which are really popular these days.

Chocolate Lover: Do you recommend an author book tour?
Sarcastic Guy: Only to authors.

Mrs. McLoughlin: Who is your favorite author?
Mr. Konrath: My favorite novel is THE JUDAS GOAT by Robert B. Parker. That got me into writing mysteries. I just blurbed a terrific horror book by someone named Jack Kilborn with the quote: "What an amazing debut. I wish I'd written this." I think the book is called AFRAID. Everyone should run out and buy thirty copies.

Final Question Asker: Do you think sites like MySpace, Twitter and Facebook have helped broaden your fan base?
Long-Suffering Interviewee: Yes. Never before in history have authors been able to reach out and connect with their readers in such a big, and instantaneous, way. Actually, the internet in general has really helped with the writing process, from finding book editing services to marketing and the rest, and social media is a big part of that. Of course, the secret isn't befriending people who are looking for you. The secret is to befriend people who find you when they're looking for someone else. For example, many of your blog readers probably had no idea who I was. Those who managed to wade through this interview now know me. Maybe a few of them will check out my books. That's the key to broadening your fanbase. And that's why I'm so happy you had me here today. Thanks! :)

You are very welcome, Joe! Yes, my blog readers are very beautiful and intelligent, so I’m sure they’ll be checking out your writing! Thanks for answering my often-inane questions! You rock. Knug (knuckle hug).

JAKonrath.com
jakonrath.blogspot.com
myspace.com/jakonrath

Is It Okay to Drink While Pregnant?

Man, people get so bent out of shape when they see a pregnant woman swigging liquor straight from the bottle. That’s why I love the show Madmen … you get to see women from the ‘60s sitting around smoking and drinking. There’s nothing funny about kids being born with birth defects and alcohol dependency and low birthweight, but I haven’t seen the statistics on how many of those kids born in the ‘60s actually were messed up. And by the way, let’s try to define the term “messed up” because I know some perfectly healthy people who are messed up.  Good luck.

This was taken in 1971 in Germany, when my mom was pregnant with me. She wasn’t REALLY drinking, friends. She was trying to be funny, and if you don’t think it’s funny, then I’m not sure why you’re reading this blog because I have the same sick sense of humor as both of my parents. In fact, I think I have a similar picture of myself, only I’m balancing a beer on my pregnant belly (I hate beer).

Or maybe my mom really WAS drinking and it affected the developing part of my brain that regulates childbearing and when to say "when" as far as how many kids to have.

We’ll never know.

Flipping the Weight Loss Switch Monday Part 5 (Influences and Fears)

Are you afraid to lose weight because some of your friends are overweight? Are you afraid you won’t have the bond you once had with them once you are skinny and can’t sit around eating nachos and chocolate chip cookies with them?

My friend Smoosh and I still have a bond, even though she always declined my nasty food offers. I never tried to push bad food on her and respected that she was trying to stay thin.

I would like to apologize to my mom when I was or am a bad influence on her Weight Watchers efforts and promise to be more cognizant of her feelings when I bring bad food around or offer to spring for McDonald’s.

In addition to worrying about how your friends will receive you if you get skinny, here are some other common fears:

-- I’ll be a Fat Snob and look down on anyone who is a tiny bit overweight (e.g., “If I could lose weight, why aren’t THEY?”)

-- If I lose a bunch of weight, my boobs will look like pancakes on my chest. As long as I stay overweight, at least they will SEEM a little fuller.

-- I might draw too much attention from other men, which makes me uncomfortable (or else makes me feel a little TOO good about myself). My mom and I call this being “drunk on skinny” … you get all giddy and goofy because you are in control of your eating and are getting more attention because you’ve lost weight. As a result, you do things you might not ordinarily do that you are ashamed of later.

-- I’m afraid I’ll dress slutty because I’ll have a better body. This isn’t much of a concern for me since they don’t make many slutty maternity or nursing clothes. Hey, a new business opportunity for someone!

For a nice change, check out Tiffany's blog about losing weight.