I Hate Women Sometimes Part TWO

Wow, you should have seen my blog stats go through the roof when I griped about the big meanie at the community center (please excuse the cussing on some of the comments!). So many excellent comebacks you guys came up with! I would also like to add the comeback to her of, "My input and tax dollars helped pay for this community center, so I can eat a freaking carrot in here if I want to."

So because ya'll obviously love mean women stories, I have dug deep into the recesses of my mind to come up with more little stories. I am excited to see your comebacks because this stuff just keeps happening and I need some good stuff to say to those who want to kill my light.

1. I love it when we're at the outdoor pool and one of my littles bends down to drink from the spray hose. You know, the hose that has holes poked in it to just wet the ground to cool it off? Then female lifeguards FREAK OUT like they are drinking liquid crack. Is the hose poisonous? Is the water from the hose different from the water coming out of the drinking fountain? Should we be frightened?

2. When I used to babysit at various churches (that's an entire book on its own), the women would FREAK OUT when kids would get a cup and get water from the BATHROOM SINK and (ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?) drink it. I would ask, "isn't it the same water as in the drinking fountain around the corner?"

3. As a woman, why do I have to wash my hands after I pee? I guarantee you I'm not touching anything exciting. My hand is covered with toilet paper, in fact. No pee gets through my tp barrier. Besides, how germy is pee, anyway? Now get over here and shake my hand, dangit.

4. I hate how when I used to babysit at churches, the moms would do the drop-off and have ZERO CLUE who was watching their kid. They must figure that someone at a church is safe because it's a church?! Wise up, ladies! At least GLANCE at the person who is going to be watching your crying kid and comforting them for the next 2 hours while you have your freaking selfish GIRL TIME. [I am adding to this because I'm catching crap for bashing GIRL TIME. Some of us want/need girl time more than others. I'm bashing girl time AND religious time (MOPS, anyone?) when it means your kid is crying to the point of puking every single week and the facilitator won't let you take your baby into the room with you, where he/she would undoubtedly be super quiet and snuggled up to you.]

Women hate it when you get all logical on them with questions and stuff. They get all like, "Don't you challenge my old wive's tales and faulty logic and emotions or I will call the State on you." Are you gonna call them on me for being a laid-back mother who does NOT freak out all the time, because I don't really think that's a crime. In fact, I bet I drink less than you, I don't smoke, I don't need drugs of any kind and I have a great marriage and great kids. GET OFF MY BACK, LADIES! Remember that we all have different experiences which shape our opinions. So there.

Tomorrow's post: I LOVE Women Sometimes!

My Coffee Love Affair ... Blame It On My Nanny

So I'm curious ... when did your love affair with coffee begin?

Mine started when I was a kid and my dad's grandma gave me coffee candy. It was just sugar candy flavored like coffee, and I was hooked. I called my dad's grandma Nanny, and when I would talk about her, kids at school thought I was rich and had a babysitter-nanny.

Then when I was 16 I started my first job as a waitress at Waid's Restaurant in Fairway, Kansas. I quickly got hooked on coffee with tons of cream and sugar.

When Aron and I were first together we would get those cheap, sugary coffees from gas stations.

These days I'm ashamed to admit I have become a Starbuck's girl. We are the same age, after all, me and Starbuck's. If we're loaded, I'll go twice a week. If not, once a month. I'm close to getting my old personalized gold card. Who cares, right?

And no, coffee does not keep me awake. Does that mean I have ADHD? Caffeine doesn't make my kids any more psychotic than they normally are, either. My husband tells the kids they can't have coffee because it will stunt their growth, but isn't there tons of caffeine (growth-stunter) in soda? We don't have a lot of soda around my house anymore, but do you really think it messes with their pituitary gland? Whip out the studies because I'd like to see them.

I can't find coffee candy anywhere. All I can find is coffee-flavored Nips. Yes, I think the name of that candy is hilarious. They should have milk-flavored Nips and also whiskey-flavored Nips (just a nip o' whiskey for the frazzled mom).

My cousin is OFF COFFEE. Can you believe that crap? I think it tastes good and comes in so many varieties (hot! iced! frappe! mocha! caramel!). Look, I just want to help out the coffee bean farmers of the world. Is that so wrong?

P.S. Come and get me on Pinterest for more funny stuff on my Funny board

My Man, Jon Hamm and Real Love

(originally posted 2/14/09; a few changes have been made)

This is love, folks. Looking at a man who is sleeping and knowing you've been in the war together and have a huge tour coming up and you're not worried about what's to come because all you can think is, "Dang, he's still hot 16 years later!"

Alright, people. I hate being the stereotypical blogger and try to never write about things when I should (like New Year’s Resolutions on December 31st or January 1st or about Whitney Houston when she died), but I have to admit I LOVE love.

I’m a sucker for love, so I have to give Valentine’s Day its full credit here.

Here is a link to the history of Valentine’s Day.

Here is the link to my post about how I met my husband.

How do you explain love? How do you make it last? Why do half of all marriages fail?

I don’t personally think love is “enough.” I think you also need some cool cosmic connection that draws you together and keeps you together. Chemistry, yes. Divine intervention. Call it what you want.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And if you don’t get flowers or chocolates today, SEND THEM TO YOURSELF!

What are your plans today/tonight? Especially if you have kids, what do you end up doing on VD (not the STD, by the way, I have to make that clear among the dirty-minded)? Speaking of the dirty-minded, if your man is not talking to you this way, get a new man:

Don't even ask. YES, I find my husband more attractive than this guy. I've seen him interviewed and he seems like a pansy who couldn't change my oil, let alone clean my pipes.

Mommy Y's Random Questions for Moi

My friend over at Mommy Y did this post about random questions. I'm supposed to follow these rules and tag people, but I can't even come up with 11 blogs I read, so here are the answers just for fun!

1. What is your favorite kind of book? No real favorite. I like nonfiction and fiction. I liked The Hunger Games series, the Fever series, am trying to get into Sweep. I like memoirs and biographys. I'm working on Steven Tyler and Mia Tyler's autobiographies and a Valerie Frankel memoir. I like to lose myself in thoughtful fiction, but learn a lot more from books like I'd like to write someday (nonfiction).
2. Do you fold your laundry and put it away right away, or do you store it in a laundry basket? Store it. And what's folding?
3. What is your favorite food to eat? Anything Mexican and anything chocolate.
4. What has been your favorite age to be? Right now. "The older I get, the less I give a s***."
5. If you owned a zoo, what animal would you feature? Koala
6. What do you call your decorating style? Huh? Why are you mumbling? None. If I had unlimited money, it would be retro, like 1960s, but hubs won't go for it.
7. What did you do for your favorite date ever? Hmmm, so many to choose from. For sure something with hubs, but we've been together so long I'd have to go back through pictures to figure that one out! Going to Mill Creek Park on the Plaza when we were first dating was fun. We hung out and he made a picnic dinner. Oh, then there was the New Year's Eve when we threw firecrackers out the car window in Westport and the cops stopped us and pointed guns at our heads. Good times.
8. What is the craziest thing you've ever done? See above.
9. What is your all time favorite movie? Too many. Vanilla Sky, Somewhere in Time, Goodfellas, A Walk in the Clouds, Bobby. I just love movies so much.
10. What is your favorite quiet moment mom breakfast? Egg sandwich with A1 sauce.
11. Are you a lawn gnome, pink flamingo or statuary kind of lawn designer? Please elaborate. Why are you asking such hard questions? My head is starting to hurt. I don't think any of these. I like roses. And random rocks and shells and stepping stones.

My Husband Cracks My A** Up (Pun Intended)

Okay, so Aron's work chili cookoff was yesterday. He and I both entered chili. He spends a ton of time and uses tons of premium ingredients in his ... peppers, onions, spices, roast, beans made from scratch (the ones ya boil). I am his opposite in many ways, this being yet another way. I make the easiest chili possible because, frankly people, I have other things to do. Like write award-winning blog posts and educate my children. So he made the picture above to go along with my chili and he emailed it to me. I laughed until I cried. Note the cow going into the grinder. Note the can opener with the beans. Note the "secret ingredient." I think I'm the only spouse who enters, so of course everyone is going to know it's mine! Maybe if he had put some boobs on there, I would have won!!!!!!  Quick! Photoshop some udders on that cow!

For you English-challenged people, I think I made a punny up top ... you know, how chili makes fire come out of your butt? Tough crowd.