Are You Kidding Me, Missouri?

Missouri has passed a law banning texting while driving. For those under 21.

HUH?

What kind of wussy law is THAT?

How about NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING … PERIOD … for ANYONE?

Because texting while driving is stoopid. Also, no applying makeup while driving. I’m not even a fan of talking on the cell phone while driving. AND the thing about those stoopid headsets for cell phones is that YOUR ATTENTION IS STILL DIVIDED BETWEEN THE DRIVING AND THE PHONE CALL.

But they have mandatory helmet laws in Missouri for motorcyclists. If you don’t want to wear your helmet and get smashed all over the road, that’s YOUR business. But if you cause a wreck between you and Preggie because you’re texting, and you aren’t ALREADY dead, I will kill you.

Obedience

In case you can’t read it, the sign says to STAY OFF THE ROCKS. I am indeed the perfect parent, teaching my kids total obedience to all rules.

Ha.

Boobs Everywhere

When did it become okay, even fashionable, to have your bra and thong showing?

I recently went to a wedding and noticed a woman’s back. Her gorgeous silvery-gray bra was hanging out the back. I could see like the whole thing. Then Aron tells me I should see her front. When I got a glimpse, my eyes popped. She was a tiny chick with like Double EEs and a good 50% of them were hanging out of the bra.

At the same wedding, there was another chick with a dress on that had her boobs 50% on display, as well. It doesn’t BOTHER me, but I just don’t get why women do that! Just wear a sign that says,

“I have low self-esteem and/or am stupid. Please stare at my boobs. I also want your dad and son and husband to stare at my boobs and think about me later because I am a sex object.”

If my bra is going to be blatantly on display, I just don’t wear the top. Maybe someday I’ll invest in a bra with clear straps, but until they make a nursing bra like that, I’m SOL. And don't even talk to me about strapless.

And I’m a FEMALE … what are MEN thinking when they see these boobies in their faces? I actually feel sorry for men … they can’t get a freaking break. They are told to not oogle women and to not catcall them and so on. Yet some of us women insist on putting our goodies on display for our fathers, uncles, sons, bosses, strangers, teachers, and so on to see and store in their mammaries. I mean memories.

Then again, I put my pregnant belly on display for the world to see …

* but don't even talk to me about how I've been nursing for 8 years straight ... my Nursy Bags are nicely covered at all times.

*edited to add: Thanks, Sean! I totally forgot about words on butts and chests. I am guilty of the chest thing b/c I have a shirt that Aron got me that's all sparkly and says "Save the Tatas" on it, but that's like Save the Whales, so it's totally politically correct and I don't wear it around a lot of people. However, little girls with words like PINK or PRINCESS on their asses really bugs me, especially at CHURCH! My butt words would say WIDE LOAD or EXIT ONLY or TAKEN.

Sunday Book Club

This is what Aron does with the kids sometimes on weekends while I try to sneak in a few minutes of writing. I love when kids get to Eva’s age and they bring you a picture book and beg you to sit with them and tell them the names of things they point to.

Negative Review of Jenkins & LeBlanc Children's Dentist Practice

*Update November 2023 and my mom gives me a copy of a local magazine with the "Best Of" in Kansas City. Jenkins is not with LeBlanc anymore, but LeBlanc is apparently the best of dentists in the city. I disagree. Overpriced services, too many flashy extras, no humility, and the filling fell out anyway. Someone who owns their own business should be humble enough to apologize to a customer when they keep them waiting, no matter the reason. Sometimes the customer just likes to be validated and then they'll love you forever. No validation of the experience = a customer who not only will never come back with their five kids, but a customer who will write about their bad experience for all to see.

If you live in South Overland Park in the great state of Kansas, get ready to be offended.

So I took Callie to this Kansas City children's dentist because they could get her in sooner for her filling. The first appointment found us waiting for 40 minutes so she could be seen for about 2 minutes. The waiting room had a big, flat-screen TV on the wall playing Despereaux. There were video game stations. There was a huge aquarium. Then there was the Starbuck’s brew-by-the-cup station for the parents.

After her “appointment,” Callie got a token to put in the toy machine. Then she got a balloon. And stickers. And each of my kids got a popsicle because the ice cream machine was down.

They sneak the cost of all this crap into the cost of nitrous oxide, apparently, because we had to come up with $200 for that alone. I like Karen’s idea of having your kid get comfy with a dentist so there isn’t a need for nitrous or Baby Valium (recently heard a report that nitrous oxide is contributing to the depletion of the ozone layer, as well), and I will probably try that in the future.

Here’s where I will offend you, Ladies of South Overland Park (for those of you from out-of-town, South OP is akin to Beverly Hills):

The day of her actual visit Aron took off work and we ALL went to the dentist. Why not, when there’s a playland there AND Starbuck’s for us? Every mother who came through the door was super-skinny and totally put-together. Their kids were all immaculate. The women all had these high-pitched Valley Girl voices. And felt like they were sacrificing their lives by not having their NANNY bring their kid to the dentist (yes, I got that from an actual conversation). I felt like I was in an episode of 90210: The Mommy Years.

The dentist was 45 minutes late, and Callie hadn’t been allowed to eat breakfast since they’d be using the nitrous oxide. Being Pregnant Me right now, I chewed him out really good and he acted offended that I would dare to call him out on being so dang late.

Growing up, I was lucky to get a toothbrush and floss at my family dentist’s office. I’m thinking of taking my kids to MY dentist so they don’t come to expect a Bentley every time they do something necessary like get their teeth cleaned or get a Pap Smear.

Update: then the filling fell out. We didn't go back. Not our kind of place.