Swimming Pool Rules and Stuff

Update January 25, 2018 I OWN MY OWN SWIMMING POOL IN MY BACKYARD! I call the shots and kids can run and babies can be NAKED. Bam, and thank you, God, for my own swimming pool in a town called, fittingly for my family, Peculiar, Missouri!

Why does a baby need to wear a swimming suit on OVER a swim diaper? Their private parts are all covered, plus the disposable swim diapers are so pretty these days.

Why do lifeguards yell “Don’t RUN” (instead of doing something IMPORTANT like watching a kid drowning in front of them)? They don’t have to clean up the blood from a scrape; the parent does, so why does the lifeguard care?

Whenever I see a kid push my kid down the kiddie slide at the pool, I have to fight the urge to go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle on the kid. You know the scene, the one where the nanny goes up to the bully and basically says, “Don’t mess with my kid.” (except she doesn't say MESS ... she says a much, much better word). Instead, I usually put on my best June Cleaver voice and tell the kid, “Don’t push, please.” Or I whisper to the kid something like, “Kid, I’m just a little bit crazy and I just saw you push my kid, so watch out.” In the same June Cleaver voice, of course.

Why is Adult Swim or Safety Check 10 whole minutes long? Does it really take that long to check for dead bodies on the bottom of the pool?

Why do so many stupid parents assume lifeguards are babysitters when they are barely even lifeguards?

Healthy Eating & Happy Birthday to Joel

I love eating healthy.

I love fried okra.

I enjoy creamed corn.

Cherry pie.

Fruit smoothies.

Wheat bread piled high with cold cuts and mayo.

Water with Koolaid mix and sugar in it.

Any other suggestions before I go in for my open heart surgery?

AND … Happy 8th Birthday to my firstborn child, Joel!!!!!! Here’s a picture of him at baseball practice recently. He’s super cute, huh?!

Celebrity Apprentice

I love messing with kids.

The kids always want to play something, like Pokemon or Barbie or some other imaginative thing. That’s why it’s very important for me to watch their cartoons … so I know how to play along.

Anyway, they always get to play what they want, so lately I’ve been telling them television shows that I want to play.

Celebrity Apprentice is a favorite. I give them tasks to perform so they don’t get fired.

I also like to play The Real Housewives of New York City with Callie. She’s Kelly and I’m Bethenney and we argue about how fabulous we are.

Cloth Swim Diapers are the Bomb

If you have little kids or grandkids, don’t forget the cost of Little Swimmers disposable swim diapers versus buying a cloth one at Target or somewhere similar.

If one little kid swims almost every day, you’ll save well over $40 over the course of the summer, plus you’ll be savings all kinds of landfill space.

I was all set to buy the Little Swimmers when we realized we need to hunker down and save for the McVan. When I realized Eva’s cloth swim diaper from LAST YEAR still fit, I did the Preggie Happy Dance. Not only was I saving money from TWO summers of a cloth swim diaper, but I also didn’t need to buy her a new swimsuit (at our pools, even with a Little Swimmers on, the kid has to wear a swimsuit bottom). I just put a bikini top on her and was good to go.

Consider asking for a cloth swim diaper as a gift, depending on when your kid’s birthday falls!

And don’t forget I’m not Mrs. Perfect Green Mom …. When we go on vacation, I’m all about the convenience of disposable diapers. I don’t think the hotel guests and staff would like me washing my cloth diapers in their machines, do you?

Who else thinks those Little Swimmers disposable swim diapers are a rip-off? They are close to $1 each. We are usually in a pool up to 50 times each summer, which translates into a lotta cash. Multiply that by 4 and you are visiting me in the Poor House, my friend.

Just last week some kid’s poop seeped out of her disposable swim diaper into the baby pool and they had to shut down BOTH pools for ½ hour. My kid’s thighs are so chunky that her cloth swim diaper fits her like a glove and ain’t no poop gonna be gettin’ outta that thing.

Instead, this summer my mom got Eva a cute cloth swim diaper at Target for around $5. It even has a matching hat (which we also got) and bikini top (which we did not … she either goes hussy topless or we find her a bikini top from our stash).

This way, we’re saving money AND landfill space (two of my favorite things to do).

And yes, I do expect my Green Mother of the Year Award to arrive in the mail any day now.

Still to come ... blogisodes about regular and night cloth diapering

Johnson County Library Mistake

So I did that post about Johnson County Parks and Recreation and their nasty, unrecyclable, nonworking Frisbee handout.

Today my 6-year-old noticed a problem with the Johnson County Library’s Summer Reading Club book log. He’s supposed to color in one picture for each book that he reads or that is read to him. So he counts them and notices the count is off. The first 10 and then 20 are fine. But where it says “30 books! Way to go” … it’s really only been 29 pictures and 29 books. This annoys my literal son Michael.

This also happens when you are supposed to have hit 60 books read … which really is only 58 pictures colored. Way to screw up a kid!

I don’t know who to point this out to, so I’m hoping they search for themselves and find this post. If that fails, I have a friend who reads my blog who works at the library and SHE can point it out (thanks in advance, Kelly!).

I’m cracking up because the form says, “Be a reading star!” But it says nothing about being a math star!!!