Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Are You a Vampire? Sink Your Teeth Into These Jobs


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Most mainstream career blogs talk to everyone as if they are regular human beings. 

But what if you’re not a regular person? What if you’re a vampire looking for some honest work? 

What can you do? What about your rights? Vampires have to make a living too!

The good news is that vampires no longer have to operate on the fringes of society, terrifying villagers and sucking blood by moonlight. There are plenty of quite reasonable (and legal) lines of work available to suit our long-fanged friends. 

Police Detective Work

If you have photosensitivity (or outright aversion to sunlight), you might want to try your hand at police detective work. First, nobody would suspect somebody working for the cops of being a vampire. And, second, you’d get to work by moonlight.

Plus, you’d do a great job of it. Thanks to your superhuman visual acuity, you’d be able to spot fingerprints from a distance that would make Sherlock Holmes blush. 


Traditional blood-letting isn’t fashionable anymore. What a shame! However, there is still a massive demand for professionals trained in the art of drawing blood. According to PhlebotomyU, clinics and hospitals are desperate for professionals who can use syringes to safely extract samples for analysis and testing. It’s vampirism by proxy. 

If you feel up to the task, there are plenty of opportunities. The only downside is that you’re not allowed to drink the blood once you remove it. Oh well: no job’s perfect. 

Morgue Worker

If you enjoy spending time with the deceased, you might want to consider taking a role as a morgue worker. 

Modern morgues are actually quite fascinating places. These facilities store bodies at incredibly low temperatures, preventing them from decaying before the funeral. 

Most morgues are windowless settings for privacy and security. And for that reason, the people who work in them eventually wind up taking on a kind of ill-pallor. Their skin becomes pale and starts to sag for lack of sunlight and vitamin D. Again, perfect for vampires. 

Janitorial Work

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Janitors are always the last people working. Everyone else goes home, but they’re still there, cleaning up the mess. Some might say that that provides them with ample opportunities to pick off stragglers. 

Cab Drivers

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Cab drivers can operate in the daytime, but they typically do the majority of their work after dark. They sit in their vehicles waiting for revelers to empty the clubs and bars before taking them home. 

It’s worth pointing out that alcohol is a potent blood thinner, so that could make it easier to suck your victim’s blood. 

Computer Support Worker

Many IT companies now offer around-the-clock support for business customers. They promise to have somebody on their staff monitoring proceedings day and night, checking for intrusions. 

For that reason, there is currently a substantial demand for IT staff night workers: people who can keep an eye on things before the day workers get into the office. Sounds almost perfect for vampires who want to stay out of the light.

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