Monday, December 5, 2011

We Are a Nation of Big Babies

*beware: I'm cranky today!

I swear I get my best blog post ideas (i.e., stuff to make fun of) from watching 2 seconds of The Today Show once a week. This morning this woman is talking about being the Mall Germ Patrol. First of all, she says restrooms are incredibly germy. I have known people who have done acrobatics to avoid touching door handles and sink handles and toilet seats, etc. I LOVE when I go to pee and someone before me has peed all over the freaking toilet in an effort to not have her tender little butt touch the seat.

First of all, unless you scratch your butt all the time, you probably won’t catch a cold from your ass touching the seat. Second of all, THANK YOU so much for leaving pee on the toilet for ME to either sit on or clean up. You are a real thoughtful jerkette!

THEN I find out that the faucet handle is nasty germy and that you should not touch it. Can I just say that I am a very healthy person compared to many people I know. AND I rarely wash my hands. I used to be mildly ashamed of the fact, but now I am coming out of the healthy closet. My kids are the same. We don’t “wash up before dinner” and if all we do is pee we don’t wash our hands after we use the bathroom. We are a very healthy family. We’d probably be sicker if we washed our hands in public restrooms more often.

Then this dumb woman says try not to touch the escalator handles!!!! And that if you have to, wear your mittens. I’m sure that will work well in California and Florida where they always carry mittens with them. Then of course do NOT touch your face with your mitten. If you have an itch, suffer through it. I just got an idea for a great invention: sanitary itching sticks. They come one to a package and you don’t have to touch anything unsanitary to itch your nose or eye!

Then I had to turn it off because I was griping too loud about us being a nation of big babies (only I didn’t use the word BABY; I used a word that starts with a P). Look, all I know is that most of us would not survive another Great Depression because we might die if we did not have our Purell clutched tightly to our bosom at all times.

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