Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Porn in my Pocket: Kids

Cell phones and little kids do not mix. There. I said it.

I'm also going to say that little kids can barely wipe their butts or remember to breathe, let alone remember to charge and carry around and keep track of a cell phone, not to mention use it responsibly. Responsibly = not prank-calling friends. Not texting pictures of their butt to their friends.

Yes, I know you are going to say something like, "But I am a divorced parent and I want to make sure my kid can contact me at all times." M'kay. I'm sorry that you initially married someone so horrific that you think they wouldn't let your shared child call you if said child needed to. I'm sorry that you don't know where your kid is at all times so they have to have a freaking phone.

Disclaimer: sometimes you might see my 10-year-old with my pink cell phone at a Boy Scout meeting. This is so he can call me to pick him up if it gets out early. It's really unnecessary, though, since there are adults there with phone who would let him call.  I also sometimes send him to the park with it so he can call me to come whoop bully butt if necessary. It has happened before.

So let's say you are the richest person in the world.

  • At what age would you get your kid a cell phone?
  • And would it be a TracPhone, where you pay by the minute so they can't use it very much?
  • Will you make them pay for it?
  • Will you disable the Internet?
  • Did you know you can disable the Internet?
  • Will you let them have texting?
  • Did you know I don't have Internet or texting on my cell phone and never have and I am still alive?!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road

Don't you love it when you sing along to a song and your kids look at you like you're in pain? I've never seen Michael's head whip around faster than when I sing along to this song (haunting and so perfect since I'm from Kansas and all that ... FYI: I don't live on a farm but wouldn't mind if I could be close to a Target). Try it!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Joel Crosses Over to the Other Side

Of course I have tons of pictures of last night's event, but my dad is more on top of life than I am, so I'm posting the pic he emailed me a hot minute after the event. Retired guys and their iPhones ... what are ya gonna do with 'em?

So this is Dad Steve and Stepmom Nancy (note her Nana shirt ... very cool), who came to Joel's Blue and Gold Scouts banquet last night. Yes, folks, he walked over a real bridge and crossed over ... to the other side of scouting ... Boy Scouts, that is. Black gold. Texas tea. Oops, stuck in Beverly Hillbillies land again.

It was AMAZING. Over 100 people turned out on a Sunday night to celebrate two boys crossing over. Crossing over sounds like the boys died and went to heaven, right? Actually, it's like Aron and I died and went to heaven because I hear parents are less involved in Boy Scouts. In Cubbies, we had meetings at our house, coordinated day camp last year, recruited new boys and were Den Leaders for 3 years. Since Michael doesn't want to do Scouts, we are on a break until Sam decides to join.

Keeping up the crossing over/heaven schtick, when the boys go to Boy Scouts they are at that age when they are starting to want their parents less involved in their business anyway. I was a little struck last night by the fact that I have to start letting my baby boy go :-(


So besides Dad and Nancy, Aron's parents and brother came along with 5 of Joel's cousins! Jordan and Ian came early to help set up and chase kids, and Abby and Spencer (my very 1st Confirmation kid ever two years ago!) stayed to clean up. Aron and I took them to 711 after for drinks. Not like margaritas, but like Slurpees!
Gotta go ... Sam woke up a little crabby and I gotta slam some coffee while it's hot since the microwave broke. It's a whole new world without a microwave!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part Three) by Eva

Hi, it's me, Eva. Recently I got to help my dad out. He's more patient than Mommy. One time the shower was leaking and he took out some of the ceiling! Then he fixed the pipe and put the ceiling back. THEN IT LEAKED AGAIN! It was funny! So when he got a chance he had to take the ceiling out again. Then he put the ceiling back in wrong and had to do it again. We heard some words that usually only Mommy ever says. Then he got all chill and let me SPACKLE! Did I spell that right? I'm still learning. I'm only fo, you know.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part Two) by Samuel

Hey, yo, this is Sam (aka Naughty Baby #2). These are some cool pix of me weilding a hammer and helping with the door frame to the bathroom. I like to do neato stuff like my dad does cuz I wanna be like him someday and be all handy around the house. Chicks dig that cuz my mom digs my dad when he helps out and stuff. So enjoy my cool pix, kay? And remember, no Naughty Babies were harmed in this photo shoot. Mom was supervising the whole time. It's dumb that we have to put disclaimers on here or haters would worry that we were being mistweeted. I mean mistreated. We are not mistreated. The guys at Collector's Cache the other day called my mom a good, solid mom because she bought us ring pops. She rules pretty much. So does my dad. Sometimes I compare myself to Stewie on Family Guy. Here are the pix!


Friday, February 24, 2012

Naughty Babies Helping Out (Part One)


This is what our master shower looks like right now. Note the 1966 light blue tile. I LOVE it! No, really, I do! So it was leaking into our family room a while back and Aron finally got a custom shower pan in and had to some retiling and other fun stuff. It looks better than this currently, but is still not usable. It's all good because we have another bathroom. Anyway, these are pictures of my naughty babies (not really babies at ages 2 and 4, but they are the youngest so they are the babies). They are trying to be like Daddy and put in shower tile or caulk or something. Eva one time got caulk all over herself and said it was "gwissy cockin" and we laughed until we figured out she meant GREASY CAULKING. That's one of those things we will tease her about until we die, I'm sure.

*No babies were harmed in this photo shoot. No babies were into anything dangerous and their Mommy was close by putting away laundry. Babies are naughty by nature, so if you have sex you might make a baby and there is a 99% chance you will get a naughty baby.

What I'm Reading/Busy Griping

yes, that's a Hello Kitty silly bandz
Don't you love when people gripe about how busy they are and then chronicle it all for you? Good! Because here ya go, people. So, yeah, I'm doing a post called What I'm Reading because I needed to fill this space because I'm getting my butt kicked this week with:

  1. Aron in Wyoming part of the time (yee haw!)
  2. Cub Scout Blue and Gold shopping and planning and plotting
  3. A homeschool Pinewood Derby on Saturday
  4. Trip to the dentist for Callie
  5. Ash Wednesday service
  6. Homeschool park date
  7. President's Day educational program with our rockin'  homeschool group
  8. Bible Study
  9. Article rewrites
  10. The 4th edition of the "Make Money to Write About Your Kids" ebook to get the heck outta here
  11. Callie's final two cheerleading games Friday night and Saturday
  12. Making sure Blue and Gold is all set up and cleaned up after
  13. Making sure the Pinewood Derby has a track. Since Aron is out of town, I am BEGGING someone else to help set it up.
  14. I get to learn the PD software to get names entered and all that
  15. Cloning myself since I have to be at the PD and at Callie's cheer game at the same time. Any suggestions?
  16. Oh, yeah, and that thing called HOMESCHOOLING (forget about keeping a clean house this week)
So here's what I'm reading (ha!) when I get a free 2 seconds:

  1. Teach Your Own by John Holt
  2. It's Hard Not to Hate You by Valerie Frankel
  3. Steven Tyler's autobiography
  4. Mia Tyler's autobiography
  5. Now all I need is Cyrinda Foxe's autobiography. Has Liv done one yet?
What did you do this week? What are you reading (besides this blog!)?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Stapled Pizza/Spilled Cocoa

Last week we had ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

  • The phone would not stop ringing while we were homeschooling (not that I expect the world to be psychic and know when we homeschool)
  • We struggled to get through Curious George Learns the Alphabet
  • It took me 2 hours to figure out how to download a Big Fish game called Insaniquarium that the boys had been begging me for
  • We missed Bible study ... again
  • Sam was stuffy so we hadn't slept well
  • Aron was working his 10th day in a row of 14 hour days
  • I had a hard 2nd rewrite on a topic I don't love
  • At one point I covered my ears and could hear just fine
  • Then I looked over and Sam was stapling a piece of pizza
This was the day I couldn't reach the cocoa and batted at it with a spoon, causing it to fall and do this
That's when the crazy turns to funny and I remember why I love being home with all of my kids all day every day. I keep having dreams about my old job, the one I probably loved least of any job. And it reminds me that my WORST day at home is better than my BEST day at work ever was. I'm not judging working moms here ... just saying we all have our own experiences that shape us for some reason or another.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A Married Person Shouldn't Have to Pay for Sex

me and Aron when he brought me coffee on Valentine's Day (aka, VD)
I have to confess something very personal.

My husband and I pay for sex.

Yep, there are times when we are able to spend a few moments together but the kids won't leave us alone so we can sneak off. So, yes, it's true. We might pay a sitter to take the kids to the park so we can be alone. So technically we pay for sex.

I'm sorry, but like many parents, we are too freaking tired at night after the kids are in bed to even look at each other. We crash within seconds. Family bed has nothing to do with it ... NEWSFLASH: you don't just have to mess around in BED.

So we have to find time OTHER times. And doing that Natural Family Planning makes things even trickier, folks. It's not like it's ON like Donkey Kong every single day at my place. There's a window of opportunity for NOT becoming someone who shops once again at Babies R Us. The window is slimmer than you would think when you are truly trying to be careful.

Don't you judge me. Just offer to babysit :-)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Stuff You SHOULD NEVER Do When Pregnant and Do Anyway

I love Virginia over at Meet Virginia and want to eat her with a spoon. She responded to my recent post about loving coffee by saying that she loves coffee but she's always pregnant (I hear ya, sister ... except she's having #7 soon so she wins this round) so she has to cut back and she still has 2 cups a day.

If you are freaking out right now you are reading the WRONG BLOG becuase you know how I feel about that sort of junk.

I am all about my kids being kept safe and (fairly) clean and very healthy and getting enough sleep and brushing their teeth and taking their baths and showers and eating pretty well except for all the Hershey kisses we got 50% off the day after Valentine's Day. I know where my kids are all the time. And I take care of myself when pregnant ... don't smoke, don't drink, blah blah blah.

But you KNOW there are those people out there who might see a preggie with a Starbuck's and send negative death rays at her head. Which is really just a waste of time for the haters, don't you think? Because if I am looking out for someone and am concerned about their well-being, I'm not going to try to change their mind by being a jerk; I'm going to talk to them lovingly. And really, a little caffeine is the hill you want to die on?

OK, so my post makes sense with the title for a change, here are other things you should never do when pregnant, except that I did all of them and have 5 healthy, smart, amazing kids:

  1. Eat fish.
  2. Slip on ice and fall on your ass.
  3. Hang out in a hot tub.
  4. Get stressed out at work.
  5. Nurse an older child.
  6. Snort nasal spray to get some freaking sleep.
  7. Fill in the blank.
One more thing to totally send you off the deep end: if smoking was so bad for preggies back in the 1960s, why aren't most of us born to smokin' preggies running around underweight and short and stupid? And don't get me started on the Valium use back then :-)

P.S. Before this post went to press, Virgnia wanted me to add: "the ONLY kid I drank NO caffeine with was my oldest. I was super strict about everything and he is the only kid I have with the most issues. Not only does he have a form of Autism but he has major allergy issues. He's my most unhealthiest and the most hyper. You better believe I'm gonna have caffeine after that."

Talk amongst yourselves and report back here. I can take it.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Electronic Medical Records: Yes or No?

So I'm perusing my March 2012 issue of BabyTalk magazine. Yes, I still take all the parenting and baby mags I can get my hands on because (1) I like to be on top of my mothering game so I pretty much go AGAINST all the advice in these mags and (2) I aspire to write articles and shorts for them someday ... honest stuff, funny stuff, useful stuff and not fluff. Although I will write fluff for enough money. Just being honest.

Anyway, there's this teeny thing about a company called Motherknows.com and for $8 per month plus $49 setup fee they "compile your child's medical history, allowing parents to tap into it 24/7."

Tap into this, you sleep-deprived mommies with too much money and too little time: Obama laid down the law and our records have to be all electronic by 2014 anyway (HITECH Act of 2009). Will your doc's records upload to Motherknows' records every time you go to the doctor or do you have to do it your dang self? What a pain if you have more than 1 kid and a job and stuff like that.

It seems to me that Motherknows.com is trying to cash in on people who don't know that their records are going to be in that form soon enough anyway. Me, I just toss vaccine and appointment info in an Excel file with a different sheet for each kid. When that gets overwhelming, I just toss stuff in a file folder called "medical" and dig through it when I need to.

So why would you pay for your kids' records to be electronic when soon enough everybody's records will be that way anyhow? For free! Well, kinda for free. I mean, your tax dollars will pay for it, but whatever. That's like free money for the government anyway. It's like my Paypal money. Ha!

Now I will sit back and wait for the company to Google themselves and find me and then comment about how great they are!

While we wait, shall we discuss banking umbilical cord blood? Yes? No? I don't do it. Did you? Would you? And let's also find out what you think about medical records going electronic! My doc's been doing it for a while now ... I miss seeing him lug around my 27-pound chart sometimes. Ah, memories.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I Love Women Sometimes!

Okay, so we all know that women drive me nuts sometimes. So do men. So do kids. That's life. We can't all have a lovefest every day.

I just have to say that I really dig my current homeschool group peeps. I came out of a bad homeschool group experience (that story is saved for Facebook wall posts, comments on miscellaneous blogs and my momoir) a couple of weeks ago and it turns out it was for the best that a couple of pals and I were booted out of the group. (yep, I'm a rebel ... you always suspected it ... I have confirmed it today).

The cover of my local paper a few weeks ago screamed "More Women Taking Aim" and there's a picture of a woman shooting a gun with her ear protection and badass face on.

This made me think of a new pal of mine who told me about walking around a grocery store with her gun in full view. I guess it's the law to have it in full view, and I my jaw was on the ground because I know ZIP about guns. And to think that a pal of mine was walking around toting one was like so cool. She has a permit. It's legal. But the people at the store were freaking out, so she was asked by management to cover it up or get out.

So this is just a mom walking around with a gun, legally. What if some crazy-looking hairy guy in biker garb walked in with his gun all on his pants? Yep, they'd probably just leave him alone.

So dumb of management to mess with a mom with a gun! When will you men learn? Women go rogue all the time. Why help push them over the edge?

Anyway, how do you feel about guns? I'm in the Bible belt (I think) in the Midwest, and I don't know squat about the gun law in my state. Of course, there's a whole 'nother state just a few miles from me and it has entirely different laws. I think I'd just be REAL nice to anyone walking around with an unconcealed gun.

Anyway, that's just one story of one woman I know who I think is cool and different and not thinking like the dang pack. I like women who think for themselves. Women who don't subscribe to groupthink and nod their little heads when the Queen Bee says, "PBS is too liberal. My Little Pony does chants. Harry Potter is evil. Gays are all bad. Rock music is from the devil."

In short, I have been around some CRAZIFIED womenfolk. And I have met some ROCKIN' women who look past the stories about me and get to know the real me. Women who parent their kids based on what they feel is right and what they research and not on what they are TOLD by society. I wish I could name all my peeps, but I don't want to embarrass them. They know who they are.

Friday, February 17, 2012

I Hate Women Sometimes Part TWO

Wow, you should have seen my blog stats go through the roof when I griped about the big meanie at the community center (please excuse the cussing on some of the comments!). So many excellent comebacks you guys came up with! I would also like to add the comeback to her of, "My input and tax dollars helped pay for this community center, so I can eat a freaking carrot in here if I want to."

So because ya'll obviously love mean women stories, I have dug deep into the recesses of my mind to come up with more little stories. I am excited to see your comebacks because this stuff just keeps happening and I need some good stuff to say to those who want to kill my light.

1. I love it when we're at the outdoor pool and one of my littles bends down to drink from the spray hose. You know, the hose that has holes poked in it to just wet the ground to cool it off? Then female lifeguards FREAK OUT like they are drinking liquid crack. Is the hose poisonous? Is the water from the hose different from the water coming out of the drinking fountain? Should we be frightened?

2. When I used to babysit at various churches (that's an entire book on its own), the women would FREAK OUT when kids would get a cup and get water from the BATHROOM SINK and (ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?) drink it. I would ask, "isn't it the same water as in the drinking fountain around the corner?"

3. As a woman, why do I have to wash my hands after I pee? I guarantee you I'm not touching anything exciting. My hand is covered with toilet paper, in fact. No pee gets through my tp barrier. Besides, how germy is pee, anyway? Now get over here and shake my hand, dangit.

4. I hate how when I used to babysit at churches, the moms would do the drop-off and have ZERO CLUE who was watching their kid. They must figure that someone at a church is safe because it's a church?! Wise up, ladies! At least GLANCE at the person who is going to be watching your crying kid and comforting them for the next 2 hours while you have your freaking selfish GIRL TIME. [I am adding to this because I'm catching crap for bashing GIRL TIME. Some of us want/need girl time more than others. I'm bashing girl time AND religious time (MOPS, anyone?) when it means your kid is crying to the point of puking every single week and the facilitator won't let you take your baby into the room with you, where he/she would undoubtedly be super quiet and snuggled up to you.]

Women hate it when you get all logical on them with questions and stuff. They get all like, "Don't you challenge my old wive's tales and faulty logic and emotions or I will call the State on you." Are you gonna call them on me for being a laid-back mother who does NOT freak out all the time, because I don't really think that's a crime. In fact, I bet I drink less than you, I don't smoke, I don't need drugs of any kind and I have a great marriage and great kids. GET OFF MY BACK, LADIES! Remember that we all have different experiences which shape our opinions. So there.

Tomorrow's post: I LOVE Women Sometimes!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My Coffee Love Affair ... Blame It On My Nanny

So I'm curious ... when did your love affair with coffee begin?

Mine started when I was a kid and my dad's grandma gave me coffee candy. It was just sugar candy flavored like coffee, and I was hooked. I called my dad's grandma Nanny, and when I would talk about her, kids at school thought I was rich and had a babysitter-nanny.

Then when I was 16 I started my first job as a waitress at Waid's Restaurant in Fairway, Kansas. I quickly got hooked on coffee with tons of cream and sugar.

When Aron and I were first together we would get those cheap, sugary coffees from gas stations.

These days I'm ashamed to admit I have become a Starbuck's girl. We are the same age, after all, me and Starbuck's. If we're loaded, I'll go twice a week. If not, once a month. I'm close to getting my old personalized gold card. Who cares, right?

And no, coffee does not keep me awake. Does that mean I have ADHD? Caffeine doesn't make my kids any more psychotic than they normally are, either. My husband tells the kids they can't have coffee because it will stunt their growth, but isn't there tons of caffeine (growth-stunter) in soda? We don't have a lot of soda around my house anymore, but do you really think it messes with their pituitary gland? Whip out the studies because I'd like to see them.

I can't find coffee candy anywhere. All I can find is coffee-flavored Nips. Yes, I think the name of that candy is hilarious. They should have milk-flavored Nips and also whiskey-flavored Nips (just a nip o' whiskey for the frazzled mom).

My cousin is OFF COFFEE. Can you believe that crap? I think it tastes good and comes in so many varieties (hot! iced! frappe! mocha! caramel!). Look, I just want to help out the coffee bean farmers of the world. Is that so wrong?

P.S. Come and get me on Pinterest for more funny stuff on my Funny board

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

FUNNY Math Word Problems #2

Did you know that statistics show that 13 out of 6 people can't do math at all? Isn't that crazy, when math is so simple! Here are some problems for you.

1. Kerrie has 2 assignments that are due soon. Each assignment calls for 350 words. Is "panoramic views all around you" a redundant phrase?

2. Kerrie makes 1 gallon of chili for her husband's work chili cook-off. Her adorable husband makes 1.25 gallons for the cook-off. How many new pair of underwear will be purchased in the coming week? And why did Kerrie let her husband sleep in their bed that night?

3. If Kerrie's husband works 15-hour days for 2 weeks straight, when will he get a freaking raise?

4. If the McLoughlin household runs the dishwasher twice a day and the washing machine once a day for one month straight, how many hours will Kerrie have to write to make money for a maid service? How old will the kids be when they will clean the house while Kerrie eats her bon bons in the tub?

Check out Part One of this fun quiz here.

Please give your answers in the Comments section and share this quiz with your friends.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Man, Jon Hamm and Real Love

(originally posted 2/14/09; a few changes have been made)
This is love, folks. Looking at a man who is sleeping and knowing you've been in the war together and have a huge tour coming up and you're not worried about what's to come because all you can think is, "Dang, he's still hot 16 years later!"

Alright, people. I hate being the stereotypical blogger and try to never write about things when I should (like New Year’s Resolutions on December 31st or January 1st or about Whitney Houston when she died), but I have to admit I LOVE love.

I’m a sucker for love, so I have to give Valentine’s Day its full credit here.

Here is a link to the history of Valentine’s Day.

Here is the link to my post about how I met my husband.

How do you explain love? How do you make it last? Why do half of all marriages fail?

I don’t personally think love is “enough.” I think you also need some cool cosmic connection that draws you together and keeps you together. Chemistry, yes. Divine intervention. Call it what you want.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And if you don’t get flowers or chocolates today, SEND THEM TO YOURSELF!

What are your plans today/tonight? Especially if you have kids, what do you end up doing on VD (not the STD, by the way, I have to make that clear among the dirty-minded)? Speaking of the dirty-minded, if your man is not talking to you this way, get a new man:
Don't even ask. YES, I find my husband more attractive than this guy. I've seen him interviewed and he seems like a pansy who couldn't change my oil, let alone clean my pipes.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Mommy Y's Random Questions for Moi

My friend over at Mommy Y did this post about random questions. I'm supposed to follow these rules and tag people, but I can't even come up with 11 blogs I read, so here are the answers just for fun!
  1. What is your favorite kind of book? No real favorite. I like nonfiction and fiction. I liked The Hunger Games series, the Fever series, am trying to get into Sweep. I like memoirs and biographys. I'm working on Steven Tyler and Mia Tyler's autobiographies and a Valerie Frankel memoir. I like to lose myself in thoughtful fiction, but learn a lot more from books like I'd like to write someday (nonfiction).
  2. Do you fold your laundry and put it away right away, or do you store it in a laundry basket? Store it. And what's folding?
  3. What is your favorite food to eat? Anything Mexican and anything chocolate.
  4. What has been your favorite age to be? Right now. "The older I get, the less I give a s***."
  5. If you owned a zoo, what animal would you feature? Koala
  6. What do you call your decorating style? Huh? Why are you mumbling? None. If I had unlimited money, it would be retro, like 1960s, but hubs won't go for it.
  7. What did you do for your favorite date ever? Hmmm, so many to choose from. For sure something with hubs, but we've been together so long I'd have to go back through pictures to figure that one out! Going to Mill Creek Park on the Plaza when we were first dating was fun. We hung out and he made a picnic dinner. Oh, then there was the New Year's Eve when we threw firecrackers out the car window in Westport and the cops stopped us and pointed guns at our heads. Good times.
  8. What is the craziest thing you've ever done? See above.
  9. What is your all time favorite movie? Too many. Vanilla Sky, Somewhere in Time, Goodfellas, A Walk in the Clouds, Bobby. I just love movies so much.
  10. What is your favorite quiet moment mom breakfast? Egg sandwich with A1 sauce.
  11. Are you a lawn gnome, pink flamingo or statuary kind of lawn designer? Please elaborate. Why are you asking such hard questions? My head is starting to hurt. I don't think any of these. I like roses. And random rocks and shells and stepping stones.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

FUNNY Math Word Problems

Here is the worksheet for tomorrow, kids, so study up (if you teach "real" school, feel free to use this in your classroom). Word problems can be fun!

1. There are 389 members in the homeschool group. Four get kicked out for voicing opinions in a different, secret group. Who was the mole?

2. It costs $50 to rent the church basement for the Valentine's Day party. Kerrie has $23 cash. How did she get that much cash?

3. The Explorer Room has a capacity of 50 people. Kerrie brings herself plus 7 kids. Who is the [bleep] that told her, "It's not a lunchroom."?

4. Sleeping hours at Kerrie's house are approximately 11 p.m. until 7 a.m. If Kerrie nudges her husband 14 times per night for snoring, ... where else do you think he should sleep?

Math is all around you! Homeschooling is easy when you see that!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

My Husband Cracks My A** Up (Pun Intended)

Okay, so Aron's work chili cookoff was yesterday. He and I both entered chili. He spends a ton of time and uses tons of premium ingredients in his ... peppers, onions, spices, roast, beans made from scratch (the ones ya boil). I am his opposite in many ways, this being yet another way. I make the easiest chili possible because, frankly people, I have other things to do. Like write award-winning blog posts and educate my children. So he made the picture above to go along with my chili and he emailed it to me. I laughed until I cried. Note the cow going into the grinder. Note the can opener with the beans. Note the "secret ingredient." I think I'm the only spouse who enters, so of course everyone is going to know it's mine! Maybe if he had put some boobs on there, I would have won!!!!!!  Quick! Photoshop some udders on that cow!

For you English-challenged people, I think I made a punny up top ... you know, how chili makes fire come out of your butt? Tough crowd.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I Hate Women Sometimes

Yesterday at the Explorer Room (Matt Ross Community Center) a woman passive-aggressively as she was leaving says to me, "It's not a lunchroom."

Yeah, and her kid was hitting Sam, so my bringing in apple slices and carrot sticks and having my kid eat them only right next to me is the least of her worries. Dang, Lady, I didn't bring in PEANUTS or MSG or POLLEN!

Of course I think of the funny things to say later, but at the time I get all "Excuse me? Do you have something you want to say to me?" Then it escalates and I know I won't be doing anything stupid because I have 7 kids with me to be an example to, but she is being ridiculous.

So I'm shaking when she leaves and SHE COMES BACK IN to tell me the rules are clearly posted about food not being allowed there. There were tons of other parents there, so that didn't help. All I could think of to say was "You're not my mother, and you are not perfect!" Yes, I reverted back to the age of 12, folks.

I'm pretty sure I need some therapy ... how to deal with the haters who don't even know me because maybe it's something about my face or that I wear a jacket with YALE on it, but lately several women are all about hating me. Maybe she was jealous because I'm a laid-back mom. Maybe she was pissy because I could afford fries. Maybe she's from a big abusive family with like 10 siblings and I triggered a memory from her childhood when I walked in with all those kids. Maybe she was mad because the kids were eating their last 3 french fries and her kid was asking to go get fries and she's a crunchy mom.

 I try to understand people. That's the key to peace, you know! Understanding and honesty.

Just before that another mom left commenting how she was leaving because of "the big boys who came in" ... meaning MY boys I brought. I let that one slide, but wanted to say, "Lady, if you are LUCKY, your kids will reach the age of 'big kid' and will be the ones annoying the OTHER tight-butt women with little kids in here."

I need to either IGNORE or take a deep breath and BE MY FUNNY (okay, snarky) SELF and say something like, "Are you REALLY jumping a stranger's butt about food today? Does this REALLY affect your entire world?" And when she hops me some more I say, "I'll pray for you ... and for your poor husband." Or, "Oh, crap, this isn't the lunchroom? Damned if I'm not in the wrong place again. That chemo is messing with my mind!" or "Yes, Principal. I'll put the food away now."

Then I can flip on the TV in there to something fully innappropriate like The Real Housewives of Overland Park. I swear these ladies from Johnson County can throw down with the trashiest of them!

Repeat after me: let it go let it go, give peace a chance, let it go, it doesn't matter, they will make you nuts, live your happy little prosperous life with a smile on your face and grin in the faces of those haters, ignore them when they try to provoke you, smile and wave like you're on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Tomorrow: My Husband Cracks My A** Up (Pun Intended)
Sunday: Math Word Problems the Crazy Mommy Kerrie Way

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Ceramic Birthday Parties

KC Ceramic Cafe
SO. MUCH. FUN.

A little bit ago Callie and Eva got invited to a 5-year-old's birthday party at Kansas City's Ceramic Cafe. It was weird to just have a bunch of estrogen in Aron's big red truck (The Beast) heading to a party. You know how Sam is like my appendage since he was born, and I'm just a weird mom who doesn't like to leave her kids much in general. Well, okay, there are those weeks when Aron's traveling and the second he gets home I want to grab Toshiba and head to Starbuck's.

Digression. I am the master of it!

Anyway, it was awesome! They had a blast! Callie painted a little heart-shaped dish to hold jewelry or whatever. Eva painted a ladybug bank. I figured the kids would be too young and would make a huge mess, but it worked out so well! Then they did presents (in the back room, where the painting happened), then cake and ice cream bars and juice pouches. It lasted about 2 hours and was a very cool party. I'm not naming names because some people are keen on their privacy. A week later, the birthday girl delivered the finished painted products, all glazed and fired. The girls were thrilled.

I want to go here on individual dates with my kids. I want to go here on a date with my husband. I want to go here on a date BY MYSELF and paint all the letters in my kids' names and hang them on my living room wall.

Gotta go ... this is giving me an idea for an article. So I can spend all the writing money on a trip to Ceramic Cafe!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

They Call Me ... The Laminator

Finally broke down and got a laminator! We've been laminating Pokemon pictures I've gotten them off the internet and then we put magnetic tape on the back. They play with their creations on the fridge and on our steel back door and on the commercial freezer in the basement.

I'm thinking this is a great way to make cheap decorations for parties ... laminated pictures of balloons, the number the birthday kid is turning, pictures of cakes, etc. The sky is the limit!

What do you like to laminate?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Happy Bday Callie With the 20/300 Vision and Twins Funny

Happy 7th Birthday to Callie!!!!! We love you, our little cheerleader, and can't wait to see what your strong-willed self will become someday. You love horses and your doll Laura and your friends and Pokemon and jewelry and dogs and bunnies and makeup and fashion and unicorns and Barbie and fairies and dresses and chicken noodle soup without tomatoes and pink and music and singing and rainbows and laughing. Yesterday I took all 5 kids to the eye doctor and only the oldest 3 were seen. It was pandemonium! Callie has one eye at 20/30 and one eye at 20/300. I think they added an extra zero and messed up. There goes another couple hundred bucks! And I sprung for the nice pink ones (I cleared it with Aron first), which I project will be broken by Michael's birthday in April due to younger siblings and putting glasses in goofy places. How do you get a 7-year-old to take care of her glasses ... and keep them on all the time? I was 11 before I needed glasses, so this is nothing traumatizing around here ... those glasses will just be like my 6th child. Maybe we DON'T need a dog when we have glasses to care for!

This picture is in honor of my husband and his twin brother because I thought they'd get a kick out of it. Most likely Aron is the one grinning and making Eric cry!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Eva Guest Post: Homeschool Geometry

Hi, it's me, Eva. I am fo years old. I like pink. This is a picture of me doing algebra or geometry or something. I made a nine-ta-gon out of boxes I found in the pantry. You can do the same thing. Just find a pantry with boxes in it. Any old pantry will do. Then put the boxes so you make a nine-ta-gon. I don't know how many boxes that is, but it is a LOT. You can also make cool things out of toilet paper rolls, your brothers' Pokemon cards and your mom's maxi pads. Take the tape off those and you can stick them to the wall to make cool creations! Just becuase you are only fo doesn't mean you can't be learning all day long!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Sam Guest Post: Gun Control and Children

Hey there, peeps! This is Sammy Mac writing from the OP in the JC (Overland Park in Johnson County for the geographically challenged).


So like what do you think about guns and kids? I LOVE me some guns. They are my brothers', but I steal 'em and use 'em and stuff. I have to wear my wolf hat while I shoot at imaginary stuff. It helps if I also have on the other right gear, like my dolphin shirt and my Halloween pants in January. Oh, and two socks and one shoe that is too big for me. Peace out.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

"Cleaning Is Not My Thing"

Callie says, "Cleaning is not my thing."

I just stared at her.

And I said something like, "Oh, well it is MY thing. I just LOVE it. I LOVE picking up messes I did not make. I LOVE washing clothes and dishes and vacuuming 10 times a day (hardly!) and ... and ... and ... it makes me happy and I love it and I wish I didn't ever feel compelled to do that pesky blog or write articles for money or homeschool or love on my husband because all I want to do is CLEAN all day long! I think when you guys grow up I will go work at The Maids."

I love my kids. They say the funniest crap!

Michael said his Catechesis teacher, Mrs. Hauesseur, said her son asks, "Why do we eat when we're just gonna get hungry again? Why do I have to make the bed when it's just gonna get messed up again?" I agree with the bed (and all cleaning in general), and not with the eating, kid.

Callie is cheering at an Upward Cheer game today and then is having her 7th birthday party! Then we have breeder friends coming over and Aron is making CARNITAS ... yum! Have a great weekend.

Marijuana post amendment-ish to come next week hopefully ...

Friday, February 3, 2012

Candy Does Make You Grow! + Eva's First Playdate

Eva: "Candy doesn't make me grow."

 I think her dad told her this.

But he is wrong.

Candy DOES make you grow. Sideways.

Yesterday Eva had her first playdate without me. I left her at my friend Andrea's house to play with HER daughter, also named Eva. We call them The Evas. We have another friend with an Eva, and it gets funny. So we took one of Andrea's kids home and Eva wanted to stay there.

A couple of hours later Andrea calls me and I hear Eva crying. She won't get in their van to come home to me. Does she think they are going to steal her and drive to California with her or something? So I threw everyone in the van and went over to get here, where I stayed and hung out for an hour and they kept on doing what they do best = playing. It was her first playdate without me! It felt strange at home without her.

Yesterday we also had Bible Study, a park date and Pokemon Club. Whew. Now I need a nap and I'm posting this at 8:30 a.m.

Catch you later!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Leaning Tower of Dishes

It doesn't take long in our house to accumulate a lot of dirty dishes. Lately we sometimes run the dishwasher twice a day! The oldest 3 kids are awesome and empty it for us for chore points (a quarter a point). I'm wondering if paper plates might be cheaper than paying them ... then we can just throw them in our compost heap! One day when we were behind (Aron was probably out of town), Michael made this amazing Leaning Tower of Dishes.

I'm Going to the SuperBowl (Party)!!!!

It is a brave person who invites our family of seven into their home. My own parents will barely even do it anymore!!!! We are loud, messy, crazy and frightening. I yell when I don't even realize I am yelling. I figure it out when I see people staring at me, then I sheepishly tell them I am sorry, and I will now use my INSIDE VOICE.
Anyway ...

We got invited to a SuperBowl Party at someone's house. This is not just ANYONE's house, this is the house of a new pal, who is the pal of my super-cool accountant neighbor chick. This new pal pretty much runs the school across the street from me. Okay, not REALLY. But you know the one: the one who coordinates all the volunteers, runs the parties and the carnival and God knows what else. The one with the husband and the two adorable kids and the job. That one who can do everything (kinda like accountant neighbor chick!)?! Oh, and they do it looking good, too. I can barely get out of my sweats and attempt to suck in my muffin top these days while they are at Boot Camp.

So I have to step it up here. I've already instructed the kids NOT to pick their noses in front of anyone and CERTAINLY don't wipe it anywhere but on a Kleenex. I'm giving my kids a bad wrap here ... they are mostly wonderful. Well, the oldest three. Eva and Sam are only 4 and 2 so they need a little nudge in learning the ways of high society (cover your mouth when you couch, don't take a bite of food then put it back on the tray, boogers go in tissues, that sort of thing).

Now, what to bring? I picked up a football-shaped tray of snack mix from Aldi. Hmmm. No, not good enough. Oh, I know! I'll make this:
If you want to be cool and copy me, here's the recipe. Even a kitchentard like me can do it! (by the way, my mom and I decided we can call things "tard" because her sister is mentally retarded. so our reasoning is her sister is MENTALLY retarded and can't help that and I am like CLEANING and KITCHEN retarded and can't help it. get it? oh, and other people are SOCIALLY retarded and can't help that so I'm trying to be more accepting as I hope they will be accepting of me.)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Errands With 5 Kids ... It Can Be Done

I have to get this post typed because the notes for it are written on a nasty cardboard coffee cup and I need to throw it away.

Allow me to set the scene for you:

It's a weekday. Aron is out of town. I have errands that have been piling up, things I don't HAVE TO DO or people might die but things I would LIKE TO GET DONE for peace of mind.

First we had to the mall. Yes, the big, nice, snooty mall. I have to go to Lenscrafters to order new sunglasses since mine got damaged when I fell on my face back in August at the pool. (yes, I know many people who DON'T like me read this blog, so that one was for you ... laugh away!) So we park by Nordstrom and go in the covert way. We pass the luxury cars, which of course the kids want to touch. It's like 2 in the afternoon and Lenscrafters is CRAWLING with people. HUH?

So I take a deep breath and talk myself into waiting while trying to contain 5 energetic kids. It's not the 1950s, people, and you can't discipline your kids in public without going to jail. Remember how society has cut off our parenting nuts next time you see kids running wild somewhere with a parent only whining, "Stop, Jimmy, stoooooooop it."

It's finally our turn and ...

Tip #1: Be extra nice to the clerks. If you kill them with kindness and humor about the situation, you cut off their snarky looks and comments! To diffuse snarky young men, I simply brightly say, "Sex makes babies, it is true! I finally figured it out."

So we get out of there unscathed. But somebody has to pee, so we tromp through Nordstrom and up two flights of escalator to the family bathroom. (on the way we see someone we know, a super-nice, super-cool woman and I pray my kids don't do something totally hillbilly in front of her!) We emerge about 3 days later because everyone had to pee or poop.

By this time I need a freaking treat. I hit the shi-shi Nordstrom coffeeshop and pay one million dollars for a coffee and 5 cookies. While I wait, I chase down two kids while the other three are in Bath and Body Works hanging around.

We walk out the doors into freedom and the kids want to climb these parking lot stairs. I say okay, and being as how I'm 40 now and out of shape, I'm the last one up. In the meantime, a parking lot cop has confronted my oldest son about where his parents are, etc. I vow to get in shape so I can beat my kids to the top next time.

I'm all geared up to head to CVS next. After all, I NEED that deal on L'Oreal Youth Code. I can feel my neck wrinkling by the day and I have to have it before I am wearing scarves all year long. The girls want to look at the makeup, so I leave them with Joel one aisle over to do that. Michael and Sam come with me to find the Fountain of Youth. A nice young man has to help me find it, because he's stocking it. I ask him if it works. He just laughs at me. I tell him sex makes babies.

By this time the girls are somewhere else looking at videos and I decide I will have to put them all on leashes or get them the microchip.

Did I mention earlier in the day we had grocery shopping to do? Did I mention this is the life I always dreamed of and that I would not trade it for anything in the world? My worst, hardest day as a mom is better than my best day when I was working at a "real" J.O.B. I'm not a good worker-bee (I get bored too easily).

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