Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Matt Roloff – Help!

Have you ever seen that show “Little People, Big World”? It’s a family … the dad and mom are Little People, and only 1 of their 4 kids is a Little Person. The dad came up with a stool kit to sell to hotels to accommodate Little People so they don’t have to brush their teeth in the tub and so they can actually reach things, like the bed, the sink, the air conditioner controls.

I wish to God every single hotel had a few of these kits because they also accommodate CHILDREN. It stinks staying in a hotel for a month and having your kids get up on death chairs to brush their teeth or wash their hands … the floors are slick and the chairs have no skid-proof bottoms.

And don’t get me started on restaurant bathrooms … or bathrooms in any kid place, for that matter. Or in CHURCHES or schools! At drinking fountains. I’m not always able to lift my kid up to wash his or her hands, or else they have to sit on the counter to do it and get all wet.

Matt Roloff … please market this stuff EVERYWHERE. I’ll totally help you out for a cut of the profits.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Otis Spunkmeyer Sucks

Once upon a time Aron and I only had 2 kids. We went to a Starbuck’s on Labor Day just to hang out. When we left, Aron talked about how strong the coffee was, how thick. He joked about flattening it and I think I said something about making it a coffee cookie.

When we got home I started experimenting with making coffee-flavored chocolate chips to put in chocolate chip cookies. I baked a lot and just couldn’t get it right. I scoured the Internet looking for the chocolate chips I needed and found one company who made them, but they sucked. I knew I wouldn’t have time to sell the things even if I could get it right, but everyone I told loved the idea.

So I researched cookie companies and decided Otis Spunkmeyer would be a good fit for my idea. I wrote them in December of 2006 to tease them with my idea and never heard back. I wrote again in February of 2007 and flat-out gave them my idea of the Coffee Chip Cookie. Never heard back.

So now that I’m all famous with my blog and can do good and evil, I just want to tell Otis Spunkmeyer Company (specifically Roy Herman) that they are rude for not writing me back.

And if you ever see the Coffee Chip Cookie anywhere and absolutely love it, let me know it’s out there because I want to eat one.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Nuts, Part 2

Our kind neighbors took on my 3 oldest kids the other night while Aron was out of town so I could have some peace while the baby slept on me and I watched Madmen.

After an hour I hear the neighbor girl crying. I investigate.

She tells me that Joel threw a walnut at her and hit her in the head. Then she slipped on something and fell down.

Joel says, “She told me to throw walnuts at her. We were playing circus.”

I asked, “If she told you to shoot her in the foot, would you do that?”

And ya’ll wonder why I don’t think kids under the age of 12 should be left home alone, let alone left to care for younger siblings.

Maybe when my own kids are grown I’ll be a lobbyist for laws like that. By then I’ll have all kinds of good stories to share with Congress.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Nuts, Part One

Here’s what I hear one day while I’m cleaning my immaculate house (haha!!):

Joel: “Michael, punch me in the nuts. Not too hard.”

Michael: “Okay.” PUNCH. “Joel, punch me in the nuts now. But not too hard.”

Joel: “Okay.” PUNCH.

I don’t hear screaming, so I go check things out … and they’ve each stuffed a towel or something down their pants to pad the blow and are taking turns punching each other. I tell them to KNOCK IT OFF because I want grandkids someday.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Turn the Other Cheek

I am so curious to know your opinions on this one. Send this to your friends and have THEM comment, too. I really want to know the final vote on this one.

Let’s say someone is bullying your kid. Taking his lunch money. Pushing him around. One day the bully punches your kid in the stomach.

Have you taught your kid to be like Jesus and turn the other cheek, or do you go all Old Testament like I prefer and teach your kid to punch back?

My husband says if you let people bully you (physically or otherwise), they’ll always do it. Plus everyone else will see that you can be bullied, and everyone will get in on the action.

But if you hit back, the bully will stand down.

In my personal experience lately, the bully WILL stand down and leave you alone and respect you if you FIGHT BACK (verbally anyway).

I know Chris and Michelle are going, “NO KERRIE! Fighting solves nothing. Teach your kids peace.” But turning the other cheek certainly got me nowhere when I was in an abusive relationship. I shoulda just left, though, because punching him could’ve gotten me killed.

Opinions?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Welfare Comments

Check out my comments on the Depo/Welfare Check follow up post a few below this one. Dear God, I'm certainly not saying all poor people are lazy ... there are far too many people who make WAY too much money for doing what they do, then there are the people who don't make what they should (like my husband).

I know many hard workers who are broke. I just think taking a handout should be a LAST resort; you should act like it's not even there until you are in dire need. Unfortunately, our society today treats handouts like a RIGHT, when they are not. The Entitlement Mentality is what drives me nuts.

Otherwise, I love helping people out and volunteering and giving money away even though I don't have a lot extra to give. So check out my 2 comments, specifically directed at Breeze, who I really pissed off. Hope you come back, Breeze. By the way, my SIL was the single mother of 4 for many years ... all biracial kids and all smart as a whip who I pray will all go on to do great things.

Also ... better to get abortions when you keep getting pregnant or better to get the 3 months of birth control nasty evil chemicals? I've been to hell and back, people, and all I can say is THANK GOD I finally discovered WHAT CAUSES THAT by learning Natural Family Planning (free, no chemicals, accurate).

Kid Funnies

Back in June Aron asks Callie and the boys if they want to go to Franklin Park or Shawnee Mission Park to ride bikes. Callie goes, “Are those the only options?” She’s FOUR!

Same day
Joel says, “Oh, a sitting chair.” Like there’s another kind? Maybe a rocking chair. Is that like saying, “I killed you dead.” Note to self: work on redundancy in homeschooling this year.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Jon & Kate … Yes, I’m Going There

Somebody gave me the August 3 issue of US Weekly. Of course there was an article about Jon & Kate Gosselin. And of course I have issues. Here they be:

Kate “has been a pendulum of emotions, snapping at her children (even more so than usual) and withdrawing (even more so than usual) from the locals in Wernersville, Pennsylvania.” DO YA THINK?! I wouldn’t want to go near people either at a time like this. And of COURSE she is snapping at her kids and is a wreck. Do you think the host of this blog is Mother of the Year when her husband is out of town for weeks on end? Taking care of 8 kids alone (or even with a part-time nanny) while going through a divorce while your husband is all over the world with a younger woman AND being in the spotlight (their choice, I know) is HARD.

A worker at a hotel where Kate and the kids stayed said, “That woman should take lessons from Angelina Jolie.” There’s a big difference there, though. Angelina has 2 fewer kids and doesn’t have SIX the same age. Also Angelina has BRAD to help handle the kids.

There was a photo shoot and it didn’t end until 9 p.m., “long after most 5-year-olds’ bedtimes.” Not in my house! You don’t wanna KNOW what time we go to bed around here. But then they sleep in so that’s when I get my “quiet time.” The point is … who appointed 8 p.m. as the bedtime of choice for ALL little kids in America?

“When asked by Us about his new digs [in NYC, appx. $5,000/month], he replied, ‘It’s expensive!’” What a dork! I’m not clear on their financial situation and know he should get half of the money from the reality crap, but didn’t KATE write the books and then tour the country pimping it out?

“A source close to Jon notes that during the South of France trip, ‘Jon was on his cell to the kids all the time. They would call him, and he took the time to speak to them and describe what St.-Tropez looked like.’” Wow, that’s mighty white of you Jon, to TAKE THE TIME to speak to your children. Should I now give my husband an award for calling home every night when he travels?

On a different note, who wears high heels to a dude ranch, Kate? With 8 kids, you have to be dressed to chase their butts down if they try to get away from you.

AND … I’m always happy to see when people like her have kids who get cavities! Makes me feel better about my own parenting. And convinces me that fluoride actually might CAUSE cavities. Hmmm.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Did I Just Say That?

It seems like I blog weekly (or daily, sorry) about how surly I am.

The day Aron had to go to Phoenix for work (with a 36-weeks-pregnant wife at home), Joel called his cell phone to say hi. Aron had to get off the phone fast, though, and Joel told me it sounded like someone was yelling at Aron.

So here’s what comes out of MY mouth:

“They’d BETTER not be yelling at my man. His ass is out there as a FAVOR. His huge wife is at home with sinus issues and a doctor who’s pushing her to be induced. If they even LOOK at him funny, I will fly the 5 ½ of us out there and kick them all in the nuts.”

The scary thing is that I might actually do it.

The other night on Rescue Me, Sheila told Janet, “Sit down or I will kick you in the vagina. And you know I will.”

I was always the kid who was bullied on her way home from school and in the bathrooms in junior high. These days, it’s like I am totally the verbal bully to adults who annoy me and do stupid, selfish crap.

Don’t worry, readers, I’ll be back to nice and normal in a few weeks … or will I?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Let Kids Be Kids

The other night at the park, a mom of one (no offense to parents of single kids, but sometimes they can get a little over-fruity simply because they have the time to) had her 4-year-old son there. Not only did she hover over him every second, but when he started running for the swings, she told him, “Stop running! You don’t have your running shoes on.”

Is that like my “listening ears”? She probably called the State on me because my kids simply don’t wear shoes at the school park at all. At least her kid had nice sandals with good tread on them.

Anyway, here are some pix of my kids just being kids, since I’m like the best mom in the world and all that.




Monday, September 21, 2009

Depo/Welfare Follow-Up

I have to hand it to you all: you didn’t kick my butt as bad as I thought you would over that recent post. Tresa knows me very well … it was not a well-thought-out argument … it was just something goofy that came to my mind and I put it on the blog. I don’t think I’m anywhere in Ann Coulter’s ballpark, though, right? Good.

I once had a crazy-ass homeschooling friend who found out she was pregnant with her 10th kid. She cried because the only insurance they had was from HER working at Starbuck’s 20 hours a week. Twenty hours may not sound like much, but when you’re trying to homeschool a bunch of kids, keep the house from falling down and praying to God that your husband will get some meaningful work, it can be tough. I asked a stupid question and she unfriended me immediately. It was something like, “Can I help you? Like pay a utility bill or SOMETHING?” She said anytime anyone helped them like that, they expected things in return.

I can see where she’s coming from. If I had paid her outrageous gas bill, I probably would’ve eventually made some snarky comment like, “Um, why is your heat set at 90 degrees so that I’m sitting here SWEATING when you can’t even pay the bill?”

Still, the idea of the handout drives me nuts. We are far from the Great Depression days, folks, and yet so many of us feel ENTITLED to free daycare, free medical, dental and vision care, free food, free money and outrageously low rent. I am ALL FOR people being helped … TEMPORARILY. If your life sucks for 15 years straight, though, why does that have to come out of the taxes of those who are working their asses off every day? People like my husband, who gets upset when he has to go out of town, but he does it ANYWAY because it is a damn job and pays money to support his family.

We all have our stories either backing up my idea of trading a welfare check for a Depo shot or thinking it quite controlling. I had to use Medicaid when I was 18 and had a horrible miscarriage, but never have had to go on any other kind of assistance because, frankly, the idea of it was just never played with in my house when I was growing up. It was either WORK HARD or figure something else out, but you don’t take handouts.

UNLESS …

Of course, unless you have been badly disabled through no fault of your own (I’m sorry, but being overweight or alcoholic in my world does not fly for disabled). Or your house caught on fire somehow and burned down. Or a car wrecked into you and you are in bad shape.

There are things that simply suck and things we bring on ourselves. I’m just saying we bring on babies ourselves. And then have a good 8 months to prepare for said baby. You may have to suck it up and live with your parents, ladies. You may have to go after the guy for child support and put your pride away. You may have to work 2 jobs throughout your exhausting pregnancy to save up for your own place, car or baby clothes. WHY SHOULD YOU GET FREE MONEY JUST FOR HAVING A BABY?

So save STATE FUNDS for serious crap. If EVERYONE was on the government’s boob, our roads would not be drivable, people who REALLY needed help couldn’t get it (that actually happens now), our schools would suck (oops, that’s already happened).

Where are the State’s priorities?

Crap, I’m afraid I’ve offended in a whole new way now. Well, go easy on me. My brain isn’t working right, and I’m having trouble making coherent arguments that don’t hinge on generalizations.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Funny Meth Commercial

Sorry, folks, but I have a sick sense of humor. Tresa used to say she was cleaning her house like a crack whore, which always made me laugh. I didn't know there was an actual public service announcement-like video until she sent me over to YouTube to watch it. It's pretty catchy! And definitely will keep me off drugs. I'll continue to be a B12 momma to snag my waning energy fix. Enjoy! And if anyone knows where I can get me one of these women to clean my house, I can pay like $20/week! You're welcome, by the way, Schmidt, for putting the song back in your head. Let's see what ads run on the blog now!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Hardee’s

What a dumb advertising agency Hardee’s has hired. With their sexy ads, they are alienating an entire demographic … or two.

What the hell is so sexy about a hot chick eating a hamburger? An ice cream cone or a lollipop I can understand, but a hamburger?

So let’s assume the ads work well and they sell to many, many men.

What about the moms looking for a quick place to stop for a kid’s meal? You’re pissing off radical conservatives, lots of women, lots of moms, and so on.

I don’t really care about the commercials either way. But I also don’t think about hitting the drive-thru at Hardee’s EVER because I don’t know what they have for kids. And I’m thinking I probably wouldn’t be able to eat one of those damn thickburgers, no matter how big my mouth is in theory.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Plan B

I recently saw a commercial for the Plan B pill (like RU486). The slogan is, “Because the unexpected happens.” UN-EX-PEC-TED?!?!?!

So let me get this straight. You did the dirty deed with your man. Then the next day you went, “Oh, crap, I could have gotten pregnant. Why didn’t I think of that last night when I was in utter ecstasy, especially since I don’t have a clue as to when I am fertile? I’d better get my stupid doctor (who hands out prescriptions for anything and everything like they’re tissues) to call in a Plan B for me at the pharmacy! That way, I can get rid of a ‘maybe’ pregnancy and ease my conscience by not having to decide whether I want to raise a baby with my one-night-stand or grab an abortion.” (*this post does NOT apply to rape, by the way)

Look, if you don’t except to get pregnant from having sex, you have some big problems, girlfriend. Grab yourself a copy of Ms. Magazine and a copy of the book The Feminine Mystique and get to learnin’, sister. Our foremothers didn’t fight for the right to vote for us so we could be so clueless about our own bodies.

Yes, I know I’ve written about this before. And before you go labeling me as some right-wing conservative Catholic who doesn’t know what she’s talking about, let me just tell you that I DO know what I’m talking about and we’ll leave it at that for now because I don’t feel like sharing.

But kids are having sex so young. I knew KIND OF how my menstrual cycle worked when I was a teen but didn’t understand my FERTILITY (big difference) until I was about 27 ... no joke. That tidbit would’ve saved me some serious problems.

Parents, I’m begging you … find out for yourself and then let your daughters (age 10 or age 20) in on how their fertility works for those times when a guy tells her she can’t get pregnant the first time or he forgot the condoms or she’s missed her birth control pills for a few days.

Do you want her stumbling into Advice and Aid Crisis Pregnancy Center with her “unexpected” pregnancy and trying to figure out what to do and picking out maternity clothes donated by ME?! Do you want her attending post-abortive counseling for years? Taking anti-depressants because she made a huge mistake?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

DepoProvera Shot in Exchange for a Welfare Check

Originally posted 9/17/09. Reposted to rile you up and see what you think!

I’m not about sterilizing women who’ve had a kid and can’t support themselves for whatever reason.

I have another idea.

How about when any female goes in to pick up her welfare check, food stamps or whatever, she gets the 3-month DepoProvera birth control shot? The Social Worker could be all jovial and go, "Trade ya a Depo shot for your welfare check, Sweetie!" It’s not permanent sterilization; it’s just 3 months of not getting pregnant and bringing a life into the world that she can’t take care of.

I think Natural Family Planning is great for a lot of women … women who can keep track of crap on a chart. I don’t personally ever again want any birth control chemical in MY body. But I can see its benefits to society,so I'm not anti. And no, genius, I don't just use NFP because "the Pope says so" ... I'm sure you know me enough by now to know I have a mind of my own.

Now, what to do about the MEN who go around making babies all over the place and can’t support them? How’s that research coming on the male chemical birth control?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My Hairy Legs

When I was pregnant with Joel, I was scheduled to be induced on a Sunday because I supposedly had gestational diabetes and my 3rd sonogram showed I was going to have one huge baby.

Like a good suck-up, on Saturday I made a cake to take to the hospital for the nurses and doctors to have post-birth. Aron painted my toenails. My legs were shaved, and I had showered that day. THANKFULLY I was not induced and went into labor naturally Saturday afternoon. I took the cake with me.

They told me I was one of their most polite laboring women. They would make me change positions to push, and I’d say THANK YOU. I didn’t cuss once. I was very cordial. They enjoyed the cake, but lost my damn cake pan.

Now I’m on my 5th baby, and I don’t care what my toenails look like. I don’t care if I’ve showered. I’ll probably drop some F-bombs at my doula the mean nurse who gives me a baggie to puke in versus giving me IV meds for nausea.

And I’m thinking the hairier the better on my legs since Aron and the doula will need traction for when they are holding my legs back when I push (I’m a primadonna and for some reason can’t make myself hold my own legs over my own ears to push my baby out). Besides, it gets harder and harder to shave sitting down in a shower that’s as big as a shoebox.

I’ll have to let you know how it goes. Below is a bonus pic for you from when I was in labor with Eva and I had my dad and husband looking all freaked out!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ice Cream Question

How come we had to pay for ice cream at the Ice Cream Social at the public school when our kids don’t even go there and they get approximately $1,000 of our money every year (for the last 10 years), but at the Catholic school they gave away sundaes for free?

No, we didn’t go to the free one. We aren’t TOTAL mooches.

Don’t you love blog posts like this one? Posts that really get to the heart of the matter and really make you ponder the state of the world. Yeah, right.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Dental Incident

*This post originally ran on 11/15/08, but I thought it would fit in well with all the dental posts I’ve been doing lately.

Yes, you may call me “Mrs. Cavity” or “The Root Canal Queen.” Even with my trusty Reach Access by my side and my Sensodyne toothpaste, I seem to have a new cavity every time I go to the dentist. Couldn’t be all the chocolate I eat, could it? And I used to be the Coke Queen, but it’s rare these days to find me with a soda in my hand.

Anyway, this is about the kids, not me. A year ago Joel had a crown and a filling. He was a champ about it. Then a couple of months later Callie had 2 fillings. I felt like a bad mother (still do) and will try to never again make fun of little kids with lots of fillings.

To even INSPECT Michael and Callie’s mouths, I had to hold them down and listen to them scream. Callie’s fillings weren’t so bad because of the wonderful invention of Baby Valium and Gas.

Recently we went to the dentist for Checkups. Joel did great and got through the whole thing. They even put “tooth vitamins” (fluoride) on him, which is a whole different subject.* Then it’s Michael’s turn. I can see him shutting down as they lay the chair down. So I had to hold him down for the Tooth Inspection. The hygienist asked if I wanted to hold him down for the cleaning. I said, “Uh, NOOOO! Let’s not TOTALLY mess the poor kid up!”

Then it’s Callie’s turn. She doesn’t want to come even to sit in the chair and receive her new toothbrush. So I have to pick her up and lay her in the chair and hold her down while they check her teeth. Instead of calming down, she continues her meltdown. I had to carry her out of there kicking and screaming and struggle to get her into the carseat. Thankfully, Mom was there to help get the other kids to the van.

Please, Readers, keep comments to yourselves like, “My kid NEVER had a tantrum. You are a bad mom with too many kids.” Even if your KID has never had a tantrum, I’ll bet YOU have!!!!!!!!!! Come to think of it, maybe my kids get their Tantrum Tendencies from their mother. Hmmm. Worth pondering.

The upside: NO CAVITIES between 3 kids. WHOOPIE! And keep in mind these are the Sugar Mama’s kids! Take THAT, Sugar Nazis! Crap, I need to stop gloating RIGHT NOW or else the kids’ll have like 10 cavities in 6 months. Shutting up now.

Now, as reward for no cavities, let’s all go out for DESSERT! Ha Ha!

*Why do people say fluoride is a mineral? Fluorite with a T is a mineral. What the hell IS fluoride? And does it REALLY help teeth or do they deteriorate faster with that crap? Have we been fed a line of hooey?

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Tattoo Artistry

I’m such a puss I’d rather give birth than get a tattoo. They have “sedation dentistry” … I wonder if they will someday have “sedation tattoo-itry.”

A lot of chicks get the classic butterfly tattoo when they are young (I’m not naming names here!). I think it symbolizes that fact that nobody can hold them down. They are free, man. And stuff like that. A few women I’ve seen with tats recently have told me they regretted getting it, but I think it’s pretty bad-ass.

My tattoo would be across my back. It would be a va-jay-jay with the names of my kids flying out of it. Too vulgar?

Or maybe instead a picture of me nursing a baby on one side and using a laptop on the other side with the names of my kids coming out of the laptop?

Another thing about tattoos … do these young ladies who get huge tattoos across their hip or stomach realize what that’s going to look like if they get pregnant or fat or old?

I love when Kat Von D of LA Ink says, “It’s not rocket surgery.”

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Surprise, Unexpected, Accidental Mistake

*This post originally ran on 12/23/08 (what a great Christmas read!). Hoping it will rile you up! I’ll be sitting by my email inbox waiting for the hate mail.

Dad Warning: this post may not be a good one for you to read!

Women Warning: you’ll probably all be offended, too. I don’t want to get hate mail on this topic, so just know that I may make your blood boil today.

I loved the book Table for Eight by Meagan Francis (reviewed yesterday). My only problem with it is on page ix, where the sentence reads,

“Maybe you were surprised with a series of unexpected pregnancies.”

Then she talks about the author (Leslie Leyland Fields) of a book titled “Surprise Child: Finding Hope In Unexpected Pregnancy” saying how she “admits that her fifth and sixth pregnancies were the realization of one of her biggest fears. She writes that she was crushed to have to start again at the beginning …”

That’s funny. MY biggest fear is being too dense to realize that pregnancy is caused by sex, especially after I’ve done it FOUR times.

I’m trying to figure out how to NOT freak out here. Where do I begin? I guess some of you will be shocked to learn that I am pro-choice … the CHOICE being whether or not to have sex.

First of all, please do not EVER refer to an unplanned pregnancy as a “mistake” in my presence. A mistake is when I do something mindless like put salt instead of sugar in a recipe or when I call Joel by his brother’s name, NOT when I have sex and make a HUMAN BEING.

Secondly, what about this thing called Feminism? Didn’t we fight to be the hot shi* we are now? So why can’t we take responsibility when something happens in our lives? How is a pregnancy unexpected if you had some sex, ANY sex? This is an insult to all the women who are unable to get pregnant either on their own or with the help of science.

Third, never have I had a pregnancy be a SURPRISE. Um, I pretty much know when I’m having sex, unless I’m asleep for the whole thing, and I’m SURPRISED this hasn’t happened a few times being as how I’m exhausted every night at 9 p.m. So if I’m a big girl and know that the equation is “sex can equal a pregnancy” … then how is it a surprise? That being said, it WOULD be a surprise to me to become pregnant with, say, sextuplets without using fertility drugs.

Fourth, referring to a pregnancy as an accident is asinine. Here’s how I see it going down, and I’ll try not to be too graphic: I have just taken a shower and am naked. My husband walks in, only he TRIPS on his way in. He falls ON TOP OF me just the right way and … voila! He impregnates me! Stupid, right?

Bottom line: Even if you are using a titanium diaphragm, are breastfeeding day and night, your man is wearing the strongest condom ever made AND had a double vasectomy, and you are on 5 kinds of the Pill (including the ones where you don’t bleed for, like, a YEAR) …

Although there are many scientific ways to figure out when you are fertile, IF YOU HAVE SOME SEX, YOU MIGHT GET PREGNANT.

Class dismissed, and please NEVER ask me if I know what causes my large family!

I still love ya’ll, and tomorrow I’ll make it up to you for putting up with my yelling and ranting.

Girls, it’s like I always tell my husband (something stolen from Judge Judy):

Beauty fades, but dumb is forever.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Catholic Church and Pregnant Marriage

Okay, so here’s the deal, and try to follow along because my brain is all over the dang place.

If you are pregnant and want to get married in the Catholic Church, the answer is a BIG FAT “NO”.

Makes sense to you, right?

Except that if you are shacking up, the answer is YES.

Don’t forget that couples VOW at their Catholic wedding to welcome tons of babies from God, but then they go the sterilization route once they realize what tons of babies actually looks like (which I totally get and I'm NOT judging those who stop having kids when they know they are done ... I think that's perhaps a good idea!).

So I’m thinking if you are ALREADY pregnant, you are ALREADY fulfilling the vow of having tons of babies, even more so than those who are simply shacking up.

I wish they’d take the vow out about having tons of babies … because you never know how you’re going to take to parenting until you’ve had a kid.

Back to the pregnant Catholics. So they go ahead and get married somewhere else. Then they have the baby. THEN the Catholic Church says, “Okay, we’ll go ahead and BLESS your marriage in a special ceremony.”

Why not just marry the pregnant couple in the first place in the Catholic Church and save the time and expense of the Blessing Ceremony later?

AND start teaching Natural Family Planning in the Catholic schools when children are young so they actually know what the hell it is and get themselves knocked up less often? You’re not handing out condoms, people, you’re just teaching girls and boys about how a woman’s body works so she can avoid pregnancy.

Clearly, I just need to be the Pope.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tangrams Rock

I know. Sometimes I'm so cool you forget I'm a homeschooler. Wait, no offense to homeschoolers. I'll shut up now. Anyway, I ordered these great things from Rainbow Resource Center called Magnetic Tangrams. Michael is a shapes-y/math guy, so he loves making stuff out of them on the fridge:

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Bang-Up Job

A few weeks ago Joel cut Callie’s bangs while they were at a friend’s house. Clearly I’m not on top of things. The “before” picture:


I had to cut the rest to make it look a LITTLE bit better (I’m no hairstylist). Here’s THAT result:


Aron said it looks like a mullet for now. So we taught Callie to say that word, plus “business in the front, party in the back.” She’s proud to look like Hannah Montana’s dad.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

These People Love Me?

-- I told my pal Smoosh I got a card in the mail from a woman who was previously mean to me. Smoosh goes, “Is it a sympathy card? Like she sympathizes with your personality?”

-- In the car one day, Callie says something about “when Mommy gets bigger.” Aron says, “Let’s hope Mommy doesn’t get any bigger.”

-- I was telling my mom about how Aron doesn’t want me ripping wallpaper down all over the house until he can finish ONE room of painting. I get antsy and want to HELP. Aron doesn’t want the house looking all trashed out. Mom says something like, “Your house always looks crappy; completely torn down wallpaper won’t really matter.”

And then I kicked all their asses. In my mind.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Dell Rhymes With Hell

Okay, their computers are okay. But their printers SUCK dirty, nasty pondwater. Don’t buy a Dell printer. And if your computer comes with one, save yourself the trip to the loony bin and just give the “free” printer to your worst enemy.

Their customer service sucks, too. I can’t understand a word anyone is saying, and they send me in circles. We get magically “disconnected” a lot, so I have to call back and explain my problem again.

Does anyone else love Dell as much as I love Dell?

Once when I was on the phone with Dell, Michael asked me what I was doing. I told him I was on the phone with Dell. He says, “Dell rhymes with hell.” How right you are, little guy.

When the printer dies, I'm gonna take it out back, Office Space-style (if you haven't seen that movie, you have to ... but there are lots of cuss words). I'll beat it to death with a baseball bat with gangsta rap in the background.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Are You Kidding Me, Missouri?

Missouri has passed a law banning texting while driving. For those under 21.

HUH?

What kind of wussy law is THAT?

How about NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING … PERIOD … for ANYONE?

Because texting while driving is stoopid. Also, no applying makeup while driving. I’m not even a fan of talking on the cell phone while driving. AND the thing about those stoopid headsets for cell phones is that YOUR ATTENTION IS STILL DIVIDED BETWEEN THE DRIVING AND THE PHONE CALL.

But they have mandatory helmet laws in Missouri for motorcyclists. If you don’t want to wear your helmet and get smashed all over the road, that’s YOUR business. But if you cause a wreck between you and Preggie because you’re texting, and you aren’t ALREADY dead, I will kill you.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Obedience


In case you can’t read it, the sign says to STAY OFF THE ROCKS. I am indeed the perfect parent, teaching my kids total obedience to all rules.

Ha.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Boobs Everywhere

When did it become okay, even fashionable, to have your bra and thong showing?

I recently went to a wedding and noticed a woman’s back. Her gorgeous silvery-gray bra was hanging out the back. I could see like the whole thing. Then Aron tells me I should see her front. When I got a glimpse, my eyes popped. She was a tiny chick with like Double EEs and a good 50% of them were hanging out of the bra.

At the same wedding, there was another chick with a dress on that had her boobs 50% on display, as well. It doesn’t BOTHER me, but I just don’t get why women do that! Just wear a sign that says,

“I have low self-esteem and/or am stupid. Please stare at my boobs. I also want your dad and son and husband to stare at my boobs and think about me later because I am a sex object.”

If my bra is going to be blatantly on display, I just don’t wear the top. Maybe someday I’ll invest in a bra with clear straps, but until they make a nursing bra like that, I’m SOL. And don't even talk to me about strapless.

And I’m a FEMALE … what are MEN thinking when they see these boobies in their faces? I actually feel sorry for men … they can’t get a freaking break. They are told to not oogle women and to not catcall them and so on. Yet some of us women insist on putting our goodies on display for our fathers, uncles, sons, bosses, strangers, teachers, and so on to see and store in their mammaries. I mean memories.

Then again, I put my pregnant belly on display for the world to see …

* but don't even talk to me about how I've been nursing for 8 years straight ... my Nursy Bags are nicely covered at all times.

*edited to add: Thanks, Sean! I totally forgot about words on butts and chests. I am guilty of the chest thing b/c I have a shirt that Aron got me that's all sparkly and says "Save the Tatas" on it, but that's like Save the Whales, so it's totally politically correct and I don't wear it around a lot of people. However, little girls with words like PINK or PRINCESS on their asses really bugs me, especially at CHURCH! My butt words would say WIDE LOAD or EXIT ONLY or TAKEN.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sunday Book Club


This is what Aron does with the kids sometimes on weekends while I try to sneak in a few minutes of writing. I love when kids get to Eva’s age and they bring you a picture book and beg you to sit with them and tell them the names of things they point to.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Baby Porn



When a new issue of American Baby or BabyTalk magazines come in the mail, I pass them to Eva. They are her Baby Porn. Aron calls them “Playbaby.” She loves to look at the babies in the car, at home, anywhere. She points and squeals, “BABY!!!!”

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dentist Update

If you live in South Overland Park in the great state of Kansas, get ready to be offended.

So I took Callie to this dentist out south because they could get her in sooner for her filling. The first appointment found us waiting for 40 minutes just so she could be seen for about 2 minutes. The waiting room had a big, flat-screen TV on the wall playing Despereaux. There were video game stations. There was a huge aquarium. The receptionists weighed 100 pounds COMBINED and were gorgeous. Then there was the Starbuck’s brew-by-the-cup station for the parents.

After her “appointment” Callie got a token to put in the toy machine. Then she got a balloon. And stickers. And each of my kids got a popsicle because the ice cream machine was down.

They sneak the cost of all this crap into the cost of nitrous oxide, apparently, because we had to come up with $200 for that alone. I like Karen’t idea of having your kid get comfy with a dentist so there isn’t a need for nitrous or Baby Valium (recently heard a report that nitrous oxide is contributing to the depletion of the ozone layer, as well), and I will probably try that in the future.

Here’s where I will offend you, Ladies of South Overland Park (for those of you from out-of-town, South OP is akin to Beverly Hills):

The day of her actual visit Aron took off work and we ALL went to the dentist. Why not when there’s a playland there AND Starbuck’s for us? Every mother who came through the door was super-skinny and totally put-together. Their kids were all immaculate. The women all had these high-pitched Valley Girl voices. And felt like they were sacrificing their lives by not having their NANNY bring their kid to the dentist (yes, I got that from an actual conversation). I felt like I was in an episode of “90210: The Mommy Years.”

The dentist was 45 minutes late, and Callie hadn’t been allowed to eat breakfast since they’d be using the nitrous oxide. Being Pregnant Me right now, I chewed him out really good, but we got over it.

Growing up, I was lucky to get a toothbrush and floss at my family dentist’s office. I’m thinking of taking my kids to MY dentist so they don’t come to expect a Bentley every time they do something necessary like get their teeth cleaned or get a Pap Smear.

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