Friday, July 31, 2009

“Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”

Yes, I'm pimping my e-book hard. Read on ...

Most of you out there have a parenting article in you.

Your age doesn’t matter. In fact, the longer you’ve been parenting the more experience you have to write about.

Not a parent? Just do lots of research and write about something that annoys you about people with kids.

Are you a dad? You have a unique perspective that moms want to read about.

Check out my huge e-book kit, “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”.

This 400-page e-book features contact information for over 200 regional parenting magazines, as well as a bonus section of 29 national and online publications such as Parents, BabyTalk, Mothering, Family Fun, Highlights and homeschool magazines. Many of the magazines have writer’s guidelines and pay information.

You are on your way to getting assignments from editors!!!!!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Imperfect Mother

There’s an online magazine called Imperfect Parent. Not surprisingly, they’ve been inundated with submissions and aren’t accepting anymore right now, so I can’t send them the 5,000 essays I could pound out in about an hour.

So I’ll share with you!

A few months ago I went to a Catholic homeschool group meeting. I hadn’t been in almost 2 years (because usually there were not interesting topics, didn’t want to drag all the kids when Aron was traveling, didn’t want to mess with a sitter). That night Aron was at CCD (like religion class for public school and homeschooled kids) preparing for First Communion. So I took the 3 Littles with me to the meeting.

I walked in (1) late with Eva in a sling eating a (2) Dum-Dum sucker. To placate the kids later, I put (3) 7-Up (could’ve been worse … could’ve been something caffeinated) in sippy cups for them. As I was wondering why I took a toddler to a meeting like that, she was (4) screeching and (5) moving chairs all over the place. Oh, and Callie (6) forgot her shoes.

Six parenting infractions. Now ask me if I care. Ask me if it mattered in the Grand Scheme of the Universe. Actually, I think it matters a lot to my kids that I let a lot of things go. We’re not structured, we eat sugar, we watch TV, we forget our shoes and socks sometimes (I once went barefoot to Aron’s cousin’s wedding because I was too busy making sure my 3 kids were dressed).

A couple of days later we went to a boys’ homeschool group Valentine soiree. Joel made 20 Valentines that said, “To a good cid like you.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him how to spell kid until afterwards. And I wasn’t one bit embarrassed that I’m a homeschooler and my 7 ½-year-old doesn’t know how to spell kid yet. I’m proud of him.

I LOVE hearing Imperfect Parent (or Imperfect Human Being, for that matter) stories. Please share!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Canteloupe Boobs


This is a picture of Joel from 2 years ago when we grew cantaloupe in our garden. Aron told him to hold the two halves this way, to look like boobs. Men! Wait, never mind on that because my mind is just as dirty.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Michael-ism

My 6-year-old says, “I know how to live forever. Just stay in the living room.”

Yeah, I’m way ahead of you and am reading “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Indigo Children” as you read this.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Euphemisms

I came across some writer’s guidelines the other day where the publication wants to make sure that, if it ever comes up, you use the term “intellectually challenged” instead of “mentally retarded.” Why did I give a little snort when I saw that, you ask?

Because my mom’s sister is mentally retarded and we’ve always called it that. Because mean kids and other jerks have always used the word “retarded” in a sentence to mean something bad, the term “mentally retarded” is now seen as horrific or something.

If I said “intellectually challenged” in front of my mom’s family, they would laugh their asses off.

So call me height-challenged, kindness-challenged and sanity-challenged. It doesn’t really matter what you call it, I’m still short, bitchy and crazy. And don’t forget cleanliness-challenged (i.e., messy).

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Get Published!!!


Have you always wanted to write for a print publication, but don’t have the time to tediously gather information and read over sample and online copies? Are you a Mom Blogger sitting on some pretty good essay material? Don’t worry, I’ve done the upfront legwork for you with my latest e-book called “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines”.

My valuable 400-page e-book kit contains information for over 200 regional parenting publications in the United States, Canada and Australia. Your first sale will pay for the cost of the e-book, and then you’re on your way to more success, including getting assignments from editors where you don’t even have to come up with the ideas!

There’s also an Excel e-mail address database so you can get started quickly. Then, once you have some published credits under your belt, check out the BONUS SECTION of 29 national and online publications. The kit also includes spreadsheets for keeping track of submissions, time and money.

What makes this e-book kit so valuable and so different from anything else you’ll find is that (1) many online sources only list 20 or so parenting magazines and their writer’s guidelines
(2) much of the information is outdated
(3) you don’t have to go digging around the Internet, spending your precious time to gather the information.
For $25, I’ve saved you hours of work that you can instead spend writing!

Jennifer Gregory of Raleigh, NC said this before she had even used the e-book: “This is very complete and will save a TON of time. The listings for the publications are very comprehensive and save so much time looking up the writers guidelines. I also really like the spreadsheet and how you note things like no reprints and exclusive. This will be great as a quick reference.”

After submitting an article, she wrote, “I just wanted to thank you! I used the information in your book already. The publisher of [one] RPM contacted me and said that they had just run a similar story, but wanted to see more of my stuff. I sent her samples and she called me to talk her publication because she said my stuff was really good. We talked for a while and she asked me to submit 5-6 ideas based on their upcoming calendar. I sent 6 ideas and she replied that she loved all of them and wanted me to do write them. So, thank you... You've already got me some work and a hopefully regular client.”

Here’s the link to buy “Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines” … available for only $25. If you know anyone who would benefit from this e-book, please pass on this blog post or the buying link. You can even view the Table of Contents before you buy.

Thanks, and good luck!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Hungry Preggie


This is a pic from when I was 8 months pregnant with Eva. We'd just had our anniversary meal, and I wanted every dessert in sight! Unfortunately, I had to share the sweets with 4 other people! It's good that I have to share or I'd weigh about 500 pounds.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Quotey-Quote

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds — Albert Einstein

Can you tell I'm deep in e-book world and am too busy to come up with a decent blog post?!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Cleaning Out My Files (2) Quote

St. James from the book called Simplify Your Christmas: “Saying that we have to continue spending in order to support the economy is just another excuse to keep buying stuff we don’t want or need. The economy will take care of itself. Given that the average American has less than $10,000 set aside for retirement, the real concern should be what’ll happen to us if we DON’T stop the mindless spending.”

I love to make ya’ll think.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Happy Birthday, Dad


This is my dad, here on the right. Don't you love it when kids guess ages of their grandparents and say stuff like "20" or "100"?? Well, my dad is 59 today and I think he looks great. He recently lost a lot of weight. Ladies, stay away ... he's married.

Oh, and he says stuff like how he's going to send a "twit" from his "spacebook" or "my face" accounts.

If you are a writer or wannabe writer, check out my writing blog, Mother Writer, today for an interview with Christina Katz, author of Get Known Before the Book Deal, Use Your Personal Strengths to Grow an Author Platform & Writer Mama, How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Home Depot Kid Workshops



This is a pic from 2007 ... we used to go to the Home Depot Kid Workshops all the time (once a month on a Saturday). This time my dad came with us to help out. He's the one hammering my pregnant head. You should report him to the State for child abuse.

Lowe's has these, too ... check 'em out ... they're free and you get to build all kinds of cool stuff like birdhouses and fire trucks.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Homeschool Group Hell 2009

This post was supposed to be introducing my e-book. I've been working on it for 3 months now. I expected it to be quick, like the Laid-Back Parenting one I did. The difference is that "Get Published in Regional Parenting Magazines" is 10 times longer with an Excel database attached. I just want it to be accurate.

Anyway, I'm hopefully officially out of my Catholic homeschool group as of today. I'd asked to be removed before, but wasn't. Since then, all kinds of bitchy in-fighting has occurred and I just can't let a crappy post enter my e-mail box without responding and questioning WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN PIOUS? I swear women live to bitch, and I wonder when THESE women have time to homeschool since they are so concerned about how everyone else is living their life.

No wonder so many people leave their church, ANY church, ANY religion. The arguing and lack of acceptance is incredible. And I'm not talking about asking someone to accept and befriend a pedophile or axe murderer (although you never know everything about a person ... you could be sending your kid to spend the night with a pedophile and not know it and do it anyway just because the person is Catholic) ... but the things these "support group" women pick on are crazy (Halloween costume selections, Obama, wondering if it's okay to do the sign of the cross with your left hand instead of your right).

I'm getting out of this group before it implodes and before I lose my love of God and humanity.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Naming a Boy

I’m telling you this baby is a boy.

On Pokemon there’s a kid named Brock, and I thought of Brach’s candy.

Then I thought I could name my kid Hershey or Nestle.

Lately I really like a name we had picked out for Joel:

Ryan Maxwell.

But we’d call him Max.

My great aunt Eva’s husband and soulmate’s name was Max, so wouldn’t that be so cute to have a little tiny Max and Eva?!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Kids and Sports Part 2: I Salute Sports Parents

You know how people always say to me, “Gee, Kerrie, how do you handle so many kids? Taking care of one wears me out!”?

Well, I am in awe of the people who have 1 or 2 kids and are at a different sporting event or activity every night. How do they do it? How do they remember it all? How do they keep straight where to be when? What if there are scheduling conflicts or one spouse goes out of town and one parent has to be in two places at once? And if they both work during the day or have more than 2 kids, they are like rock star freaks in my book.

I signed Joel up for the Johnson County Parks and Recreation Baseball … a 7-week deal only twice a week for kids entering 1st and 2nd grade. I figured since we homeschool, I could technically call him 2nd grade and get away with it. He’s a pretty good hitter, runner and thrower, so I got over my sports aversion and gave it a shot.

First of all, he doesn’t enjoy it. Of course I’m making him finish the whole thing, but unless he asks to do a sport in the fall, I’m not bringing it up. Some parents make sure their kid picks one activity per season. That parent isn’t me. I’m too cheap and too busy (read: a husband who will be going out of town soon while I’m handling a newborn plus 4 other kids). Joel and Michael will have religious education in the fall plus Cub Scouts, and in my world that’s PLENTY.

You’d think a stay-at-home mom could get her crap together enough to get a GAME SHIRT washed between Tuesday night and Thursday night, but no. And even though 6:30 comes at the same time every baseball practice night, we are always rushing out the door, sandwiches in hand, yelling about did we pack his glove, do we have chairs, do we have enough water, I gotta get my tennis shoes on so Preggie can chase Eva around, and so on.

Activities are stressful. I know they are worth it for lots of kids, and I just hope the kids appreciate the sacrifices on the part of the parents.

Soccer, gymnastics, music, Cub Scouts, 4-H, swimming, football, etc. Moms and Dads: I salute you.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wisdom from my Husband

Quotes from husband ...

“I like this stroganoff, but the pasta isn’t al dente. It’s more al mushé.”

“Instead of getting a 12-passenger van, let’s just drive my truck around with the boat hooked up to it.” Can you picture a truck with a few kids in it, then me and a few more kids sitting in the fishing boat seats while being driven around on the highway?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Pool Drains

When we were in Branson in June at the Vickery Resort, we couldn’t use their pool. They told my cousin it was because some kid had died (sometime, somewhere) when a pool drain sucked her underwater and wouldn’t let her go, and so they had to replace their pool drain. It was out of commission the entire 4 days we were there.

Sounds like a safe place, right? Very proactive.

WRONG.

I never get to watch morning news shows, but on the 6th I happened to turn on the TV for 5 minutes and caught the Today Show. This pool drain thing was on. Many kids have died from being sucked under. Why now? Why hasn’t this been happening since the beginning of pools?

Turns out a law was passed (only because the granddaughter of a congressman died being sucked underwater by a pool drain … she may have been the one who had her intestines sucked out … not sure).

ALL POOLS (except private backyard pools) were supposed to have replaced their drain covers by the end of 2008. Most pools in the country have not done it yet.

1. Please teach your kids to stay away from pool drains … don’t go diving for a diving stick near one, for God’s sake.

2. Check out every pool you go to or ask the manager. A flat drain is a DEAD giveaway. Some looked curved but are not the new drains.

You bet your butt I called my local pools, and they say they’ve replaced the old drains.

Here’s the problem: there isn’t enough money or enough people to enforce the law. I will totally be a Drain Checker … I’ll start in California and Hawaii. All you have to do is pay my way there. Aron could be the Head Drain Checker for the United States and we could travel all over in our Duggar-like RV that the government would buy us. We’d force pools to close for days and be very unpopular and mean.

Monday, July 13, 2009

More Tresa Worship

Tresa called me on a Sunday night to see if she could come over sometime to teach my kids ways to help around the house. She even offered to make them a chore chart and make instructions for each task, both things I’ve never been organized enough to get to. My good intentions always fell by the wayside.

She presented it not like “you’re a horrible mom and housekeeper” but more like “your husband wants a clean house; you want to write and be a mom … so if your kids are more independent and help out, you can have it all.”

I said, “The only free day we have for like 2 weeks is tomorrow.”

She said, “Okay. Call it a new-baby gift.”

Oh, how I love the creative new-baby gifts … they get better and better the more kids I have. For Eva’s new-baby gift, Ellen refinished 2 of my kitchen chairs!

I could be all pissed off and offended that my friends notice the faults in my house and organization or I can be happy that God sends me help in the form of such friends.

I once knew someone who dropped a friend because the friend brought her over a broom. The broom was brought over because the first woman was pregnant and griping about her husband always taking her broom to work. But instead of saying THANK YOU, this person got mad and assumed her friend was judging her housekeeping.

It’s sometimes hard for me to accept help. I like to think I have it all under control. But nobody has it all under control.

I’m excited to know that someday I will be the one offering the help to mothers, and I hope they accept it instead of taking offense!

So to everyone who helps me out … by babysitting (Mom and Dad), doing my dishes while I’m holding a sleeping baby, bringing me coffee or lunch (Jill and Tresa), listening, reading and commenting on my blog (Julie and my great cousins-in-law and my Bloggy Friends), pricing all my garage sale junk I pass your way (Ellen), bringing over fries for all of our kids to share (Eva) … THANK YOU. I appreciate you all.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Bro Beater Look


Since Eva doesn't have a wife, this little shirt is her "Bro Beater" or sometimes her "Sis Beater."

Having been in an abusive marriage once upon a time, I hate that a white tank top on a guy is called a Wife Beater. But I also believe you have to have a sense of humor in life.

If not, you get all dark and twisty and negative and mean and hold onto all the crappy moments of your past.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Crooked House


This is the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in Branson. It's a little dark, I know ... but you get the idea hopefully. I told Aron we should build a house that looks like this since it's just cool and different. He said to wait a few years ... our house will look identical to this one if the kids keep tearing it up.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Book Excerpt and Deep Thought

This is from “True Mom Confessions”:

“Stay-at-Home Mom. Familial ideal or feminist betrayal. Discuss.”

Being a Gemini, I can see both sides. Also being a Gemini, I’m obviously doing the work-at-home mom thing (against my poor husband’s wishes) so I can have my kids and eat them, too. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. I have my kids and my writing.

If you stay at home and that’s “all” … good for you.

If you have a career … good for you.

If you HAVE TO work and don’t want to … that sucks. Read my articles about making money without hiring a sitter at eHow.com.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Bath Time

The nurse at my doc's office is a hoot. She has a 10-year-old son who won't take a shower, but he sweats a lot and smells. She told me she thinks I'm a good mom and asked if my kids bathe daily. I laughed! Doesn't going to the pool count as a bath?

You know how you always think of stuff later? I should’ve told her, “Just use the ridicule tactic. Like tell him constantly how much he stinks, and when he sits next to you, move and say P.U. and hold your nose and tell him his friends told you in confidence that they think he smells bad.”

I actually told her to do like when you potty-train and give him an M&M every time he showers. Or give him a penny. Yeah, right.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Latest Doctor Visit

So I go in for my 6-month doctor visit. I love my doctor deeply, but the 40-minute wait I endure every time is getting old. If I didn’t bring along a couple of kids every time, it would be a mini-vacation, but I always bring the littlest kids because I think it’s cool for them to watch the process and hear the heartbeat.

We also kill time by weighing ourselves and exclaiming, “I’m so fat!” Just kidding on that one! We DO weigh ourselves, but I make sure they know it’s just a number and that they are healthy and beautiful. On that topic, I’ve gained 9 pounds so far, but that’s because I was a tad overweight to begin with and don’t need to gain 60 pounds, so don’t hate me. I don’t care about being svelte or thin … I just want to be able to chase my kids around and not be out of breath and have my back hurting!

SO! High heartrate on the kid (boy!) … or maybe it’s because I had my 2nd glucose tolerance test prior to my appointment and I had to fast for it … the poor kid was hopped up on 10 ounces of glucose. Fasting was torture … since the blood-letting wasn’t until almost noon.

THEN … he whips out my latest sonogram report. Turns out the idiot who read the sonogram results and gets like $500 to do so put on the paper that they COULD NOT FIND A SECOND ARM, but they weren’t sure.

Folks, I’ve been to the Kid Fields four times and am goin’ back in. I’m not easily rattled.

So I go, “Okay. Could be worse. Missing an arm. No big deal. I’ll just go back for another sonogram so we can either find the arm or start ordering teeny-tiny prosthetics for like every few months since they grow so fast.”

My doc … God love him … is annoyed at the people who read the results and says he’s called them and they SAID they say another arm but he told them he wants it in writing. I gather up my girls and check out.

On my way out, the nurse catches me and says she called the sono place and they TOLD her that Samwich indeed has another arm. YIPPEE!

Another crisis averted. The relief sent me to Burger King for a Whopper Jr.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Stripping Wallpaper

To the person who put up wallpaper over wallpaper all over my house:

I hate you. You are lazy. I am 6 months pregnant with 4 children to care for plus sometimes even more than that and yet SOMEHOW I am cleaning up your ugly mess. For 2 summers now I have sprayed water and vinegar on walls to get off layers of wallpaper. Right now I’m doing the main bathroom (hint: wallpaper in the bathroom is never a good idea).

We also have to rip off the nasty beige BathFitter-type crap you put up over the shower tile because you were too lazy to redo the tile. We probably get to redo the tile. Luckily, I only have 4 more rooms in my house to do this with. Then we will paint over nice clean walls so future residents can do whatever they want to without wasting all THEIR time stripping wallpaper first. I could be a total Lazy Ass and just paint over wallpaper layers, but I believe in karma. I know you will get yours.

When we look for a new house, it will either be decorated the way we like it already (not in Laura Ashley style, for instance), or the walls will be painted over ZERO wallpaper.

Peace and Light,

Kerrie McLoughlin

P.S. When Aron came home to find me stripping wallpaper, he joined in chanting, “Death to all flowered wallpaper.” I agree.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Women Who Drink While Pregnant (Not!)

Aron really missed his calling as a photographer. He posed me this way as I drove us to Branson. Don't worry, I hate beeer.


This is a picture of all the kids in the back ... makes your biological clock tick, doesn't it, ladies? Or it at least has to make you want to run out to an adoption center and grab you some kids!


Here's the result of those pushers at Motherhood Maternity. My step-mom got me some shorts at the MM store at the outlet mall and part of the goodie bag was a bottle. I think we've owned maybe 2 bottles ever. So of course Eva loved it and hit that bottle hard.


Happy 4th of July. Try not to blow any of your fingers off.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Spam Creations



Joel got the idea to chew his way around a piece of Spam to make figures. We call these Spam Creations. If I can ever get my crap together, there's a video that goes with this where he's describing each creation. That's a homeschooled kid for ya ... hahahahahaa!!!!!! I don't know if this is a good thing or not.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The War and Peace Look



At my house we call this the War and Peace look. Michael really started it, and Callie copied the fashion. Try it out on your own kids!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Who Gives a Crap?

Oh, how I love the library and the new nonfiction rack, as well as my friends who loan me books (Jill, if you’re reading this, float me Twilight, wouldja?). Here’s what I’m reading right now:

1. Only Love is Real (A Story of Soulmates Reunited) from Tresa
2. Parenting Your Asperger Child (just in case Michael has this in a very mild form)
3. Clutter Busting
4. Purge (rehab diaries)
5. It’s Not That I’m Bitter (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World)
6. The No-Cry Nap Solution (in case I ever want to lay any of my kids down for a nap without them nursing first … meaning Eva for now and Samwich/Max later)



7. True Mom Confessions (Real Moms Get Real) … [it’s about damn time]
8. The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome
9. The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan
10. Life so Far by Betty Friedan

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