Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Dental Incident

Yes, you may call me “Mrs. Cavity” or “The Root Canal Queen.” Even with my trusty Reach Access by my side and my Sensodyne toothpaste, I seem to have a new cavity every time I go to the dentist. Couldn’t be all the chocolate I eat, could it? And I used to be the Coke Queen, but it’s rare these days to find me with a soda in my hand.

Anyway, this is about the kids, not me. A year ago Joel had a crown and a filling. He was a champ about it. Then a couple of months later Callie had 2 fillings. I felt like a bad mother (still do) and will try to never again make fun of little kids with lots of fillings.

To even INSPECT Michael and Callie’s mouths, I had to hold them down and listen to them scream. Callie’s fillings weren’t so bad because of the wonderful invention of Baby Valium and Gas.

Recently we went to the dentist for checkups. Joel did great and got through the whole thing. They even put “tooth vitamins” (fluoride) on him, which is a whole different subject.* Then it’s Michael’s turn. I can see him shutting down as they lay the chair down. So I had to hold him down for the Tooth Inspection. The hygienist asked if I wanted to hold him down for the cleaning. I said, “Uh, NOOOO! Let’s not TOTALLY mess the poor kid up!”

Then it’s Callie’s turn. She doesn’t want to come even to sit in the chair and receive her new toothbrush. So I have to pick her up and lay her in the chair and hold her down while they check her teeth. Instead of calming down, she continues her meltdown. I had to carry her out of there kicking and screaming and struggle to get her into the carseat. Thankfully, Mom was there to help get the other kids to the van.

Please, Readers, keep comments to yourselves like, “My kid NEVER had a tantrum. You are a bad mom with too many kids.” Even if your KID has never had a tantrum, I’ll bet YOU have!!!!!!!!!! Come to think of it, maybe my kids get their Tantrum Tendencies from their mother. Hmmm. Worth pondering.

The upside: NO CAVITIES between 3 kids. WHOOPIE! And keep in mind these are the Sugar Mama’s kids! Take THAT, Sugar Nazis! Crap, I need to stop gloating RIGHT NOW or else the kids’ll have like 10 cavities in 6 months. Shutting up now.

Now, as reward for no cavities, let’s all go out for DESSERT! Ha Ha!

*Why do people say fluoride is a mineral? Fluorite with a T is a mineral. What the hell IS fluoride? And does it REALLY help teeth or do they deteriorate faster with that crap? Have we been fed a line of hooey?